Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Dying Young, Some Advantages…

It's only an advantage if you are unable to see certain rated R movies.

Okay, don’t worry (or get your hopes up), I’m not dying young. But I did lose two hours of my life last night.

As most of you know, Monday night sucks for television. I’ve already seen all the Fear Factors and Las Vegas’. And when you’re poor like us, you don’t have cable so there’s no hope for a cool episode of Trading Spaces or anything.

Tanya decided to bring home something to watch.

Bad idea.

She brought home the screener for The Girl Next Door. You know the movie I’m talking about, right.

Yeah, the one with the chick that can’t act from the Fox hit show 24.

For any of you who have been spared from this movie, I’ll give you the rundown:

**Warning: Life saving spoilers!**

A bright young high school student is graduating with the hopes of attending Georgetown University. The problem is that he first needs to win a “morality” scholarship. But his plans take a back seat when a beautiful young girl, who is emotionally stunted and can’t act, moves in next door to housesit. They begin to fall in love, but when the kid finds out that the object of his affection is actually a porn star – he treats her like one and they split up. Blah, blah, blah…the kid and his friends end up making a pornographic sex education video. The end….or is it? Yes, it is.

I don’t have the time or the energy to list all of the things wrong with this movie. I’ll tell you though, that I won’t be surprised if the unrated version is billed as a “cumming of age movie.” Not that it’s all that dirty or anything, but it’s creepy enough. It’s trying to be a romantic comedy, a coming of age teen flick, and a retro 80s gross out sex pic all at the same time.

But the kicker is that all of the adults applaud the kid’s inventiveness when they’re shown the “Sex-Ed video" at the end. There’s nothing like making the entire class really horny when you’re trying to get them to think about safe sex.

You see, we borrowed this DVD, it was free, but I still feel like SOMEBODY OWES ME SOME FREAKING MONEY!

A little bit about screeners for those of you who may not know. They send these things out to vendors in the hopes that when the DVD comes out, video stores everywhere will have a bazillion copies sitting on the shelves. (They send them out for awards consideration too, but probably not this one.)

They’re actually promoting this piece of crap! And they want everyone in the world to see it.

I think, if he were still alive today, even Jeffrey Dahlmer would say “Hey, let’s not be cruel.”

Fun Fact: It’s three-for-one in the ol’ Fun Fact section today!

1) I got a haircut (why not get them all cut?! HAHAHA).

2) The new TAM cartoon is up.

3) I weigh less with no clothes on!

Monday, June 28, 2004

Slow News Day

Isn’t it always? I mean, the U.S. handed “power” back to the Iraqis, but other than that…There’s really no cool news.

Brittany Spears is engaged. Her pimp mother is upset about it…

Tanya and I got new cell phones…

I got a new preamp for recording…

I will start work on the new Christmas album soon…(October or something)

Other than that, nothing. But I have to run because I’m working on some music for a new short and I have to get all my other stuff done quickly. It’s for a fledgling television network, and once finished, will be the network’s first original content. Yeah, me.

Actually, don’t break my back with congrats (I know you want to), if it weren’t for Kevin Sage, I wouldn’t be let within ten miles of this gig. In fact, go visit his site! (While you’re there, check out “The Match” trailer!)

I’ll let you know where you can find the new project later. I don’t want the network execs coming to this site and saying, “This guy’s doing our music?! Explain to me again why we couldn’t get Danny Elfman?”

Fun Fact: I was watching the KTLA morning show today and they ran a story about how cell phones may lower sperm count by 30%!

It’s only a preliminary study. It’s just today’s dose of terror. Forget about it.

But, it’s a good thing that I want children about as much as I want our kitchen termites to return, because between my smoking, my super-radioactive phone, and my unnaturally tight underwear, my sperm count is so low I'm shootin' IOUs.

Gross, sorry.

Saturday, June 26, 2004

Indeed, This is a surprise!

A rare Saturday post! I was just bored really. Tanya’s still asleep. I can’t sleep past seven. Damn, I’m an old man!

“What could TAM possibly have to write about so early on a Saturday?” Well, I’ll tell ya’.

I slept like hell last night. I’m real tired now. Why would so many things conspire to destroy my peaceful rest?

It was hot in the bedroom. Sad but true, it must have been 70 degrees in there! That’s hot for me now. All this below average Los Angeles weather has set my internal comfort thermostat at 65°.

Tanya was rolling over like a rural route school bus on an icy mountain road. She’ll keep rolling and making a horrible noise until she hits something. Usually me. Okay, always me. There’s no one else to hit, is there?...Is there?...IS THERE!?

Oh, did I mention the goddamned FIREWORKS?!

Yeah, fucking FIREWORKS!

Right next door…at one o’clock in the morning! The not-so-funny thing about it, is that I was having a tough time sleeping before the fireworks show started. And I’m not just talking about some firecrackers or roman candles or bottle rockets or anything like that. I mean the full on rockets red glare and bombs bursting in air.

They were the kind of explosives that you find resting in the corner of the Indian fireworks stand. The kind that they only have one of because it costs too much and – it may be the Fourth of July – but nobody really wants to die.

The problem is that it’s not the freaking Fourth of July! It’s not even Chinese New Year. I know these things; I checked the calendar last night in a half asleep haze.

There was a Chinese Dragon Boat Festival, but that was on Tuesday. And the Luling, Texas Watermelon Thump was Thursday. And I’m pretty sure that you don’t light off fireworks in celebration of the first quarter moon. Bullwhacker Days are today, but that’s over in Olathe, Kansas.

Maybe they were celebrating Gay Pride Day, two days early? Well, I’ve got news for you assholes. You’re assholes.

Well stated, say I.

These fireworks assholes make me angry on many different levels. They woke me up and scared the crap out of me by exploding gunpowder right outside my bedroom window. But most of all is the fact that I didn’t go down and yell at them.

Here’s the problem with that. The kind of people that shoot off fireworks for no reason at one o’clock in the morning aren’t the type of people who are just going to apologize and head to bed.

They’re the kind of people that make you feel like some kind of crotchety ogre, just because you don’t want to listen to them! Somehow, you’re the biggest grouch in the whole world:

“Hey man, just lighten up. Have some fun. Don’t be an asshole, You’re not the God of the world you know…”

They always look at you like they’re surprised that someone could live such a joyless life.

“Man, what’s wrong with that guy? Did his entire family die in some tragic mountain school bus accident or something? Why can’t he just enjoy the free show? He’s probably having some kind of Vietnam flashback. After all, he’s like…30!”


I hate them, and I never even met them. See, those assholes are making me feel like a crotchety ogre NOW!

Whatever. People gotta’ sleep. No one needs fireworks. And don’t give me that crap about gunpowder and the industrial revolution. Tell it to the Indians who lost their land to the demon gunpowder – while you buy some illegal fireworks from them.

Fun Fact: From anecdotage.com:

While performing with The Who on "The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour" one night in 1967, Keith Moon decided to surprise the audience by augmenting the band's standard pyrotechnic display with an enormous charge of gunpowder. At the end of "My Generation," Moon detonated his drums.

The upshot? Moon was blown into the air and cut by flying shrapnel from his cymbals. The explosion fried a camera, the studio's monitors, and much of guitarist Pete Townshend's hair, and left Townshend with permanent hearing damage.


Great music though. Too bad you’re dead.

Friday, June 25, 2004

Friday Friday Friday Friday

It’s Friday dontcha’ know. The new TAM cartoon is up!

I finally get to write this post from home! Yeah! Not that we’re done house-sitting, it’s just that the housekeeper is there and I don’t want to disturb her.

I hope she walks the dog. At least give him a good once-over with the Windex. He stinks and he’s lost his gloss. I don’t know why, I wiped him down with Armor-all just yesterday. Crap.

No one can say that I don’t know how to take care of a dog.

Anyway, I was watching this program on the History channel last night, all about the legend of King Arthur. (Not once did they mention the sword in the stone or the lady of the lake…jerks)

So I’m sitting there with the cat on my lap and it occurs to me that there will never be a legend like that ever again. It’s sad, really. At the end of the program, the host comes on and poses the question, “what will they say about our civilization 1000 years from now…?”

I’m guessing that he’s expecting some sort of nuclear Armageddon or something, a huge war that will wipe out all photos, paintings, videos, and films. I suppose that if the end of the world destroys every copy of every Van Damme movie ever made, it’ll be a good trade.

But think about it. No one 1000 years from now will say, “there once was a president who killed all the bad guys in the entire world with his bare hands and the planted a tree for every child stricken with a tragic disease!”

“Oh yeah? What was his name?”

“Ummm…Henry…uhhh…Luke..em..si..anopololis! Yeah, Henry Lukemsianopolis!”

“Really? Let’s go to the tape…”

Well that would kill that legend right there. We’ll just have to hope that in the future, no one will have access to VHS decks. Maybe they’ll have finally realized the folly of neglecting Beta.

It’s bad enough that historians everywhere are systematically destroying every folk hero ever created, now. Goodbye Johnny Appleseed, so long the part of Davy Crocket that kilt him a bar when he was only three, we’ll miss you Spiderman.

But now they’re attacking President Henry Lukemsianopolis! Damn you future-historians!

I’m going to start my own legend…um, I mean, I’m going to tell you all a true story. It’s about last weekend. It’s a story that I’ve been neglecting for far too long.

‘Twas on Juneteenth.
The National Hollerin’ Contest was in full swing over to Spivey’s Corner, North Carolina.
Meanwhile in the Kindom of Torrance, California,
One man called himself Sir Vincealaot was throwing his first ever party.
Sir Vincealot waseth no sprigeth chicken,
Yet, he had never fested with his friends in his own kingdom.

There was much regaling of ancient battles.
There was much Mindtrap being played.
There were many animals sacrificed that day for the feast of Juneteenth.

One of Sir Vincealot’s knights, named Sir TAMalot ate his weight in the burgers of ham.
It would take another trip to the smithy for him to fit back into his armour.

There were many Lords and Ladies there that day too.
Eight score and 2 million to be exact.
All more beautiful than the next.
Which sounds more flattering than it is…
It sort of depends on who you start the comparisons with…

No matter.
The Queen of England was there.
And so was the entire cast of the Simpsons.

They ate, they drank, they killed Sir Vincealot’s neighbours for slamming the door so damn much.
Then they covered themselves in the blood of their slain foes.
A good time was had by all…
Except the dead people.
Although, I secretly suspect that they were more angry about not being invited to the festivities than being horribly dismembered and turned into stew.

It waseth the besteth feast ever on this earth.
And so sayeth I.
God ye good den.

Not a very good story, but it’s all true!

If the police ask about me…I was fishing on San Francisco Bay…

Fun Fact: Okay, I’ve been battling myself all day about this one. Needless to say I’ve got a mean right hook, but my left hits like a girl.

Too bad that my right side is my evil side.

I’m going to share a quote with you all, a quote that I heard on the news this morning. I have to tell you that it made me laugh. It wasn’t supposed to. It’s a horrible story. I feel really guilty about laughing.

I feel even guiltier about making fun of this poor lady…

A lady whose daughter was killed because of the jealous ex-girlfriend of the daughter’s boyfriend. You got that? It’s really sad. Tragic.

But I can’t let it go. The problem is that I haven’t heard a quote like this before. Sure, you get the obligatory “she was so young…” “Why would anyone do something like this…” It’s all pretty much the same, because, let’s face it, when something as bad as this happens to a family, those are the only questions there are.

Unfortunately, there’s never a good answer.

I’ve looked, but I can’t find the article. Sorry. I swear that I mean no disrespect. Really. Also, I don’t mean to trivialize the tragedy that has befallen the family. And I’m really angry at the selfish, heartless, bitch of an ex-girlfriend.

All right, enough backpedaling, here’s the quote:

…What kind of person would…“take my daughter’s life when she hadn’t finished it yet!?”

I’m sorry.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Toonie/Living With Dogs and Cats

It's Tuesday, and the new TAM cartoon is up!

Fun Fact: Taking care of pets is a difficult job. I don't know why anyone would want them (aside from the fact that they’re really cute and all). In this day and age, what with the world's dependence on anti-bacterial soaps, hand lotions, floor cleaners, cheeseburgers…and with humanity’s growing susceptibility to allergens and such, what could possibly make people want to keep these lovable mucus-factories in their home?

Perhaps we have the cleaners to counteract the effects of the filthy animals that we let roam our homes?

Has society really advanced much? Sure we can fly into space. Sure, we don’t poop in buckets anymore. And maybe we don’t have floors that are made of dirt. But we still let livestock roam free in our bedrooms.

I think that no one who owns a pet should ever be afraid of a little bacterium.

(The same goes for babies.)

”You touched my fois-gras! Take it back to the kitchen and get me another…this time without your filthy germs! Oh, and the Chihuahua that lives in my purse will have the same.”

I never used to have allergies. Now I’m old. Now I have allergies.

Feeding these pets here at the housesitting house is probably the closest I’ll ever come to a disease like alcoholism. I feel miserable most of the day, I wake up every morning with a headache, but, damnit, I’ve got to feed the beast.

Although, I’m not sure if alcoholics would sit and watch TV for three hours with a bottle of whisky sitting on their lap?

Maybe they would.

P.S. I really do like the animals here at the house. Don’t think that I don’t.

Max the dog and Meow-Meow say “hi.”

Monday, June 21, 2004

History and Mystery

It’s going to be a slow posting day today. Sorry about that, but I have to do this from the house that Tanya and I are house-sitting. So far that house has been relatively well behaved. If I could just get it to go to bed at a reasonable hour…

As you’ve probably already heard, the first privately funded spacecraft made it’s way into space today. It’s a pretty big deal. Commercial space flight doesn’t seem so far off does it?

I’m not going to make any predictions. 50 years from now, I don’t want to hear the disenfranchised twenty-somethings of Gen-C (it started back again from “A”) bitching about broken promises.

“Where’s my ticket into space?! They said I could go to space! I want my ticket NOW!”

It’s not enough that they’ve got the robot-maids that we were all promised?! They want apartments on the moon too?!

Spoiled Generation-C. Bunch of nogoodnicks if you ask me. Shiftless layabouts! I hate their incessant whining. In my day you had to drive cars with your feet AND your hands!

Getting off the subject…

So, this new ship, paid for in a genius financial move by Microsoft founder Paul Allen, is called SpaceShipOne. I don’t know, it looks like they needed the entire $40 million. But, if they asked nicely, I’ll bet they could have gotten the extra cash to put spaces between the separate words in the ships name?

Maybe it’s pronounced Spaceshipone? That’s the way I always read it.

Maybe they’re going for the whole “horseracing” theme. I suppose we should all be happy that they didn’t call it Grandmasunderpants or something.

Anyway, the ship is cool. Start saving up for your tickets to the moon! (That’s not a promise, it’s just the only way that I can see to get to your kick-ass moon apartment.)

I have to go now, I’ve got to draw two cartoons today. We’re house-sitting all week, and my dad is coming, and I still have to write 40 movie synopses for “that big online movie rental company.”

Besides, this place has cable. Nothing ruins my productivity like episodes of Trading Spaces, Clean Sweep, While you Were Out, Surprise by Design, Myth Busters, American Chopper, History’s Mysteries...

Fun Fact: How can we expect the public schools to turn out intelligent members of society if they’re completely underfunded?

More importantly, how can we expect kids to get smart if they’ve got stupid parents?

They were doing this story on the news today about the gross under-funding of the LAUSD (Los Angeles Unified School District for those of you who don’t know – bloody Australians). Some principals are asking parents to donate money to the schools so that cleaning supplies can be purchased. The minimum that they’re asking for is $50.

Keep in mind that there is nothing obligating any parents to donate anything. I’m sure that the threat of a mono outbreak is incentive…but they’re not being forced to give money.

So, they interview this guy, he says that he got tired of the public school district asking him to “open his wallet” all the time. “Public schools should be free…” and all that.

So what does the genius do?

He puts his kid in private school.

The reporter asks, “but the private school costs money, right?” Einstein replies, “Yeah, but there – you expect it!”

Sometimes, I hate this town.

Friday, June 18, 2004

Hooray For Friday!

What a lame title for this post. C’mon, they can’t all be good. In fact, none of them can. It’s just a little game I play.

So, it happened last night around 8:30pm. What, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. Somebody became the 4000th visitor. No pomp. No circumstance.

Actually, there was circumstance, I’m sure. Otherwise, how did they get here?

But I’m not really interested in the circumstance. Just the pomp. What’s the prize, you ask? Who knows? Is there a prize!? Shouldn’t the joy of reading this blog be prize enough?! Well, SHOULDN’T IT?!

You’re right. It’s not.

First, the winner needs to come forward and show themselves. Don’t be embarrassed. The only people who read this are in the same boat as you. I won’t leak your name out to all of the “cool” blogs that people “actually read.”

Once the winner is revealed, I will announce the prize. It’s not going to be a song this time.

This is what I know about the mysterious 4000th visitor. They hit this site last night at 8:38pm, they use Windows XP and Internet Explorer 6.0, and they hit TAM off of Burritotime. I also think they’re using a dial-up (maybe, I get conflicting info from my two trackers).

Who are you?!

Are you me?!

I would think that, but I was at Costco last night. Too bad. I really wanted to win this one.

Fun Fact: In 1969, NASA honored "Peanuts" creator Charles M. Schulz by naming Apollo 10's command module "Charlie Brown" and its lunar module "Snoopy".

Schulz was delighted. There was "never a beagle who flew a Sopwith Camel one day," he quipped at a press conference, "and a spacecraft the next!"

Is this a funny “Fun Fact?” No. Could it be a clue? Maybe.

Oh, Yeah, the new TAM cartoon is up!

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Back in La La

Man, it’s already Thursday. I really didn’t mean to neglect this blog for so long. Sorry.

The trip to Washington State was a good one. Went to my sister’s wedding, visited Tanya’s family, and snuck in to the Central Washington University Theatre Arts Department without being detected.

There’s nothing more annoying than visiting your Alma matter and actually seeing people.

The wedding included two ministers. Well, a Shaman and a minister. Luckily, it still went quickly. I don’t know about you all, but lately, every time I go to a wedding, I end up with a sore back. I keep telling them that I don’t want to be videographer. No one listens. You can’t say no. After all, if you spent the money to cross the country and attend the wedding in the first place, chances are that you genuinely care about the people in it.

My identity's protected

I will never understand these people who attend weddings for the ceremony of it all. If you’re really craving ceremony, just develop OCD.

Singing the “Star Spangled Banner” every time you crack open a Diet Pepsi should take care of it.

My gift to you.

Speaking of gifts (you like the transition). My sister and her new husband got a few. Most of which weren’t on her registry. Why register in the first place?

“I did what you asked and went ahead and registered. Now you don’t have to guess what we would like.”

“Where did you register?”

“Crate and Barrel.”

“…oh…I wasn’t planning on going to Crate and Barrel. But there’s a Sears near my house…”

Lazy gift givers. Just do what I do and don’t buy anything! Just my presence is gift enough, I figure. Oh, and love. Presence and love.

And good wishes for the future.

Presence, love, and good wishes for the future…My problem is that I give too much.

It’s a funny thing about wedding presents though. They’re almost practical:

You need some glasses? How about these 100% lead-free crystal goblets?

Looking for bowls? Here’s a two gallon etched glass punchbowl.

How about a few 300-thread-count cloth napkins?

And really, who doesn’t need a silver-plated serving dish with matching candlesticks?

Sure, they’re all really nice. But, they’re not exactly things that can use in your daily life.

Although, it would be nice to be the envy of the neighborhood while drinking Kool-Aid out of crystal by candlelight.

And I have always wanted to see if I could eat three boxes of Frosted Flakes in one sitting.

I brought this up to my mother and she just said that “wedding presents are supposed to be something that you would never buy for yourself.”

This is one of the reasons that I’ll never get married. With my luck, I’d end up getting a subscription to Parenting Magazine and a huge box of tampons.

And I would never buy Parenting Magazine.

Fun Fact: Diet-wise, the trip was pretty successful. I didn’t sit around and snack every day. I ate sensibly.

The first day back in LA was another story.

It was Tosha’s birthday yesterday (I won’t say how old she is, but when I turn 31 in August, I’ll be two years older than her). So we were invited to dinner at Maggiano’s over at the Grove.

I haven’t eaten that much food in a long time. Too much of a good thing is still too much.

I’ve always wondered exactly how much food I eat when I eat too much, and yesterday I got my answer. In order to check the damage that the vacation caused, I weighed myself yesterday about an hour before we went to the restaurant. I was fat, sure, but I hadn’t gained any weight in WA. Yeah!

Anyway, I shuffle in after Maggiano’s and I heft myself onto the scale. I wasn’t feeling very good, I have to tell you. I should have had more self-control at dinner.

I ate six pounds of food!

I should have stopped at three.

BTW, go to TOS today and check out the cartoons. Nice job Brandon. My lawyers will be contacting you shortly.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Hello From the Great Pacific Northwest

Hope y'all had a nice weekend. This is not going to be a long post because I have to go and fix eggs for Tanya and my Mother.

Why does Spokane turn me into a hick?

I'm joking. For all of you people who get to this blog from the Spokesman Review Blogging in the Pacific Northwest page, I'm joking!

Spokane's a beautiful town. Riverfront Park is nice. Manito Park is nice. River Park Square has become an actual shopping center instead of just an excuse to walk across the many downtown skywalks.

The valley sucks though. A lot like L.A.

Fun Fact: Many fabulous films have been set in Spokane. Okay, two that I can think of, "Vision Quest," (you may not remember this one, it's about a high school wrestler who becomes anemic) and "Benny and Joon" (you may remember this one a little more, it's a comedy about an eccentric man that looks like Johnny Depp who takes sexual advantage of a mentally disabled girl who resembles Mary Stuart Masterson).

Oh, and the new TAM cartoon is up!

Friday, June 11, 2004

Prepare for Takeoff!

That’s right, we’re leaving…on a jet plane. Luckily, we do know when we’ll be back again. Wednesday.

Do not fret. Don’t despair! There will still be a new TAM cartoon posted on Tuesday! I’m so on top of things it makes me want to scratch until it hurts.

I will also try to post while I’m away. Who knows? Mostly I’ll be attending my sister’s wedding and undoing the progress I’ve made at the gym. But maybe I’ll get in a couple posts. I could keep a running tally of how many times Tanya and I will be asked “so when are you two getting married?”

I’ll just guess now and say – 2000. It’s a nice round number.

Fun Fact: Watching Regan’s funeral, I realize that it’s the kind of funeral that I want. No boombox sitting in the corner blasting out “I Believe I Can Fly.” No cheesy second cousin singing a bad karaoke version of “Love Lift Us up Where We Belong.” And I doubt that anyone showed up drunk mumbling about how “Ron never really liked tulips! You see that?! On the casket?! Tulips!”

And if I don’t have, at least, one President or former President speaking my eulogy, I’m gonna’ be real pissed! I’ll haunt you all! I mean it. And not in the nice Casper way. I’ll go Poltergeist on all y’all!

Oh, and the new TAM cartoon is up and running for the exit.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

Schoolhouse Crock

So, I’ve been watching my new-gotten Schoolhouse Rock videos, and I’ve been wondering why they don’t show things like this on TV anymore?

I’m sure that most people my age are wondering the same thing. After all, they taught many valuable lessons, right?

Who knows? I mean, I watched them all the time (how could you not, they were on during Saturday morning cartoons. And I never missed my cartoons) and yet, it still took until my adult life to fully understand the function of a preposition.

I’m also pretty sure that I’m not alone there either.

But, in this era of poor public education, wouldn’t it make some sense that they put things like this back on television? Understandably, doing so would be cause for the networks to have to admit that they are obligated in some way to the public good, and that might spell the end for shows like “Ultimate Love Test.” But come on, they were cool too. They still are.

They would need to updated, of course. Let’s face it, “Schoolhouse Rock” used the term “rock” pretty loosely. But it would be nice if the next generation knew the difference between a subject and a predicate.

Not only “Schoolhouse Rock,” but things like “I Hanker for a Hunk of Cheese,” “That’s a Saturday,” “When You’re Thirsty, Reach for Water,” and “They Call me Yuck-Mouth.” All of them educational classics. They’re right up there with “Free to Be You and Me.”

And they were absolutely FREE! It’s tough to get a quality free education these days.

The music has been re-recorded, but I think that if the people at ABC (the ones responsible for the show) just updated the animation a little (to take out the 70s style rainbows and stuff) the shorts could be a hit again.

I realize that times have changed since then, I was kind of amazed at how propagandistic the “history” SHRs were. Some things should be changed to reflect the times. So, I’ve come up with some lyrics for some new SHRs (yes, like they did on the Simpsons with “I’m Just a Bill). And since hateful revisionist history is becoming so popular…

Revisionist History Schoolhouse Rock:

Christopher’s Genocide

In fourteen hundred and ninety-two
Columbus had some work to do
He went off searching for pots of gold
And so he left the land of old.

He sailed and sailed the ocean wide
Until he reached the other side
And met some people with red skin
Who, in his way, they did get in.

And so he killed them
Oh yes he killed them
Until their bodies reached the sky
He took their land
He took their land
But for these peeps do not cry.

For if it weren’t for this great man
Looking for India but finding sand
This country wouldn’t be the best one that we see.
Oh thank you Christopher
Thank you Christopher
You’ve given us plenty of room
To drive our SUVs!

Thomas Jefferson Was a Big Fat Hippocrite

When our country was just a little bitty baby
Some men looked ‘round and said to themselves maybe
We could do something pretty great.

So they flipped off the king
As they scoffed at his diamond rings
And they set out to conceive the perfect state.

Where all men are created equal
And there would be no more evil
No man would slip through the cracks
Except, of course the Catholics, Jews, and Blacks!

Oh Tommy boy, your words seemed mighty fine
Tommy boy, go pour yourself some wine
Where other men must struggle through
You have your slaves do it for you

You know they think that you’re the pip
Until you hit them with your whip
Why don’t you have a middle name
You’d think it would concrete your fame

Oh Tommy

(They’ll make you president some day, kid)

New Grammar Schoolhouse Rock:

A Preposition is the Perfect Thing to End a Sentence With

You’re baby is crying
And your man’s not around
He should be home
And so you moan
He’s probably with that bitch downtown.

The one he’s got the other baby with.

Where has he gone to?
Why did he leave for?

You know that any minute he should be walking through that door.

Why do you take it for?
Where has he been to?

You’ll give him hell when he gets home
You guess you’ll call him on his phone;

Where you at?!
(where you at)
Where you at?!
(where you at)

Do you know what time it is?
And how long you’ve been gone for?

Where you at?!
(where you at)
Where you at?!
(where you at)

You see this why that I slept with your friend.
He treats me like he is a man.

Why do you do this too me for!

Fun Fact: As your body grows bigger, your mind must flower, it’s great to learn, ‘cause knowing is half the battle…wait…

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Maybe Tuesday Will be My Good News Day

Who knows? I’m not really expecting any news, honestly. Just quoting a Gershwin tune (“The Man I Love,” for any of you keeping score).

It’s Tuesday, June 08, 2004, in case any readers out there are just waking from a coma or suffering from alcohol induced blackouts. And the new TAM cartoon is up! Hooray!

Not much hap’nin around the ol’ TAM homestead today. Pretty boring…much like this post.

Fun Fact: I’m trying to get up the energy to write a funny “Fun Fact,” but the truth is, I have none. And the fact that they’re playing Kumbaya on KJAZ right now, isn’t helping. “Someone’s sleeping, Lord…” Tell me about it! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I’ll let anecdotage.com take care of the fun fact today:

One evening, Dylan Thomas, as was his wont, indulged in drink and conversation for a prolonged period before making a curious observation. "Somebody's boring me," he muttered. "I think it's me."

That’s it! That’s why I’m so bored! It’s Dylan Thomas’s fault!

Monday, June 07, 2004

Questionable Behavior

How was everyone’s weekend? Mine was actually fairly eventful. Well, eventful for me.

Had a yard sale, started a new screenplay, went on an audition, the 40th president of the United States, Ronald Reagan, passed away after a long and emotionally painful battle against Alzheimer’s Disease, leaving behind a couple of grown children, his wife Nancy, and a legacy of optimism and hope (sorry, there’s been nothing else on TV!).

And, perhaps the biggest news of all, J-Lo got married to Marc Anthony (the singer, not the Roman)!

Sure, J-Lo never led the free world, but she also hasn’t ratted out all her Hollywood friends for being communists.

That last statement was a little harsh. I realize that Reagan was trying to do what he thought was right when he got all those people thrown out of the business, ruining their lives forever, just so he could strengthen his budding political friendships.

Man, that was harsh too.

I guess there’s no way to sugar-coat McCarthyism. Too bad, I really do think that President Reagan was a good man who meant well and had a big heart. He was just a bit misguided at times. If it makes you feel any better Mr. President, wherever you are, I’m sure that if the situation were the same now as it was at the time of the Red Scare, J-Lo would be the first to turn stoolie.

There, a fitting epitaph, I think, for a great man. (I mean that – I’m not being sarcastic)(You don’t believe me, do you?)(It’s true.)(I guess I shouldn’t have written all that stuff about the House Un-American Activities Committee?)

Okay, I’ll start over. When President Reagan saw hostages, he saw weapons as a way to get them back…

Damnit! Just forget it!

I really did like the man. Really.

But let’s get back to Dame Lopez shall we? What the hell? I can’t figure out the attraction? How does she get so many guys to fall for her fake ass routine? I swear, her genitals must have genitals or something, because I don’t understand the attraction!

J-Lo: Oh Marc, I love the way you spell your name with a "c" instead of a “k!” It’s so…ROMAN!

Marc: And I love the way that your genitals have genitals!

Jen-Pez: And I love you!

Marc: Are you sure?

Pez-Lo: Of course I’m sure. I know love. After all, I have been married twice!

Marc: Me too. But it was to the same woman.

Pez-Dispenser: Let’s get married!

Marc: I don’t know, baby. Are you sure this will work out? Your last marriages haven’t been all that successful. Besides, I doubt that my ex- will marry me again.

Lo-Down Dirty Shame: Have you seen my genitals?

Marc: Which way to the church?!

Seriously, though, this wedding smacks of a marriage made in Tamalewood. You can’t tell me that it’s not a strategic career maneuver. The first real Latino power-couple?! Watch for these tell-tale signs:

1) A lot of red carpet appearances (basic, sure, but they’ll be at the Latin Grammys, Spanish speaking film premiers…etc.)
2) Anthony and Lopez live from Miami!
3) They will both be getting back to their Latino “roots” soon, putting out a couple Spanish only albums.

I tell you, it’s coming. J-Lo fans had better brush up on their EspaƱol.

Fun Fact: Yard sales are a good time. The only trouble is that when you have them with other people you invariably end up taking something home. Usually, it’s worthless junk. Not last weekend, boy! I got a cool book, some castanets (Look for me on the album “Anthony and Lopez: Live From Miami!”), and TWO, count ‘em, TWO Schoolhouse Rock videos! Now, who can’t use that?!

Thanks Julie for the cool stuff.

Friday, June 04, 2004

I Bring You Greetings…From FRIDAY!

Yeah, Friday said to say “Hi.”

I saw a news item on KTLA (LA’s WB) this morning. It stated that manufacturing dust found on computers may cause birth defects.

May cause birth defects.

Is that really news? They went on to say that it hasn’t been scientifically proven yet so don’t stop using your computers just because of the story.

Again, I tried to find the story on their site. Again, I’ve failed. To give them the benefit of the doubt, though, I only have a dial-up internet connection so I have a tendency to get frustrated easily and give up too soon.

But, back to my point.

You would think that if this story was so important, they wouldn’t hide it on their website, right? The fact is that it’s not an important story; just something to fill the time between the traffic, the weather, the inane banter and the review of the new Harry Potter movie.

Do the “filler” stories have to be so sensational?

Let me be the first person ever to state that the news is just becoming too sensationalistic.

Here KTLA, I’ve got some good story ideas that could possibly scare some of your viewers and fill a good deal of time:

Adidas brand basketball shoes may be linked to obesity. One Los Angeles man stated on Friday that since he purchased his Adidas basketball shoes five months ago, he has gained twenty pounds! There have been no formal studies of this phenomenon, but still – watch out fatty!

Purchasing expensive hair brushes may cause unemployment. One Los Angeles woman was laid off, along with her boyfriend, after purchasing a hair brush for $60. Unfortunately, even though the brush was returned, the job didn’t come back. The woman said, “My Boyfriend never did fully recover. He really loved that brush. The job…not so much.”

They’re both really sad stories. But don’t get too sad, they’re really true.

Oh, that’s even sadder.

The problem with the “mutant baby/computer dust” story is that if it’e ever proven false, we’ll never hear about it. There will be people sitting around in a couple of years wondering what ever happen to…


GERTRUDE: I haven’t used my computer for three years.

BETTE: Why’s that Gertie?

GERTRUDE: Because I don’t want to have deformed babies.

BETTE: Gertie, you’re seventy three. Besides, they found that it wasn’t actually computer dust that caused the birth defects. It turns out that the mothers were actually taking angel dust.

GERTRUDE: Like Peter Pan?

BETTE: No, that’s pixie Dust.

GERTRUDE: Oh, like Cinderella’s godmother used to turn her into a late night hussy?

BETTE: No, honey, that was fairy dust.

GERTRUDE: I thought fairy dust was what they used to use in the old west, you know, some surly prospector would carry it in his pouch, belly up to the bar and say “gimme a big pinch worth of your best whisky, pardner!”

BETTE: I think you’re thinking of gold dust. I’m talking about angel dust, honey, you know, it makes you high and you think you can fly?

GERTRUDE: Oh, like Peter Pan!

Sorry about that. Bad example, Gertrude is a midnight drinker. But you get the point.

The media sucks and don’t use your computers unless you think it would be cool to have a baby with flippers instead of arms.

Fun Fact: Opinion is not news. Unless it comes out of the mouth of a celebrity. But even then, the fact that it’s news is a matter of opinion.

Woah, man…heavy.

Oh, yeah, the new TAM cartoon is up! Yeah ME!

Thursday, June 03, 2004

I Bring You Greetings…From The FUTURE!

So, working out at the gym today, I heard this hip-hop song…maybe I don’t need to preface that, I mean, if I ever say “I heard this hip-hop song today,” you can pretty much bet that I was at the gym at the time.

So, I heard this hip-hop song today and it was all about the way things were in the 80s. I realize that we’ve become a nostalgic society, but when it starts to invade the pristine world of hip-hop, it’s gotten to be an epidemic.

The song is called “Back in the Day” by Missy Elliot and Jay-Z.

Here is the chorus:

"Go back in the day
BKs and gold chains
Do the prep and cabbage patch
And wear your laces all fat
Back in the day
Hip hop has changed."

But, seriously, how many nights have you wasted talking about Scooby Doo (before the comeback), or GI Joe, or the Smurfs, or Canvas Keds for guys, or about the insanity that was Hypercolor gym shorts (why would you want your crotch to turn different colors…etc)?

I’ve done a lot of it. Some may say that I’m hypocritical for even thinking about this post, since I’m probably the most nostalgic person I know. Who cares, I’m just trying to help.

We should start getting nostalgic about the present, I say. That’s just what I’m going to do. I’ll just have to jump a few years into the future. I’ll skip ahead 20 years and start this post over.

God Ye Good-Den, Humanos!

Happy Monday, June 3, 2024!

Weird, that I got so specific about the date, huh? Gobilliet is forever…

I was just thinking the other day about how much things have changed in the past 20 years. Mostly because I picked up a vintage copy of The Day After Tomorrow! What a stupid flick! But, I had to have it you know, call me crazyhat.

I got it on Drivadisk. I’m sorry, I know it’s not the same. “Movie purists” are always telling me that nothing is better than DVD, but c’mon, I’m not made of money you know! I hear that you can still get it on DVD if you’re brave enough to head down to Hollywood Blvd. It’ll still cost you $5000! Gobilliet is forever…

But, I realized that most of our past from the 2000s (did we call it that? Maybe the Aughts? I can’t remember) had been erased with the “war on terrorism.” I still think it was a stupid idea for President Jeb Bush to ban all private laser devices! But at least we’re relatively safe. They just downgraded the terrorist alert to yellow. We’ll see how long that lasts.

It’s strange that this war isn’t over yet. You would think that after we completely obliterated the Middle East in the nuclear attack of 2010, it would have curbed some of the threat? Oh well, Gobilliet is forever, I guess.

Speaking of the Middle East, Tanya and I just got back from the Baghdad area. It’s really interesting. I recommend it highly. Especially the “Dunes of Glass.” Breathtaking! Hop in your autocar and go! C’mon, from Incorporated L.A. it only takes about ten hours! No excuses, you can sleep in the car!

That’s funny that I mentioned that, because it was on the Simpsons last night. I’m still giggling because of that Ralph line, “me kuna huna smells like dog water!”

Classic Ralph.

I just picked up the 20th season on drivadisk. I don’t know if I’m going to get the rest, they sorta’ went downhill from there, but it looks as though they’re going to pick back up again.

I’m digressing. Back to the “good old days.” I just remember that everyone was really fat! Like 50 pounds overweight fat! Stupid humans. Like Josie the Detractor always says, “Mere stupidity isn’t enough to run an empire, it takes real idiocy.”

True that, Madame Detractor, true that.

But we finally got that fat thing nipped in the bud. I remember the struggles I had. Pay a couple thousand dollars for a gym membership and have to actually go to the place! It may not seem like a lot of money now, but believe me; it put a pretty big dent in the old pocketbook.

God, you remember pocketbooks?!

That’s one thing that’s better now. I’ll take my cyborstomach over actual exercise any day!

What else was there? Oh yeah, gas only cost $2.79, people still wore separate pants and shirts (I still have some, but they’re too big for me now), and cigarettes caused cancer (but some of us were brave enough to smoke them anyway).

Well, I would love to sit around and reminisce but I have to go to the set. We’re shooting a new holofeature called My Day, My Dream with Roses. It’s a nice little romance and the action sequences are spectacular!

But I have to get moving because someone has to get the actors their water! If they don’t get it, they turn into real beasts…no, I mean it…actual snarling bloodthirsty beasts…it’s scary. Back in my day, that didn’t happen. I knew plastic surgery was a bad idea.

I have to thank Tanya for the job, but it’s the least she could do after becoming the CEO at Fox. And they say you can’t work your way up anymore! Ha, ha, Gobilliet is forever!

Fun Fact: Felinus dogs are actually good when served cold. Just make sure you don’t get a hairball!

Man, that takes me back!

I know, old joke…sorry. I’ve been doing this for 21 years and I’m beginning to run out of ideas.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Frustrating News Day

Aka TAM Tuesday!

I hope everybody enjoyed the long weekend. We house, dog, dog, and cat sat. I now can pinpoint the exact reasons that we don’t have any pets.

I’m not going to do that. Just be sure that I can.

I also lost about $14 on the horses this weekend. It’s kinda’ cool being able to say that. “Yeah, life’s fickle when you’re playing the ponies.” “Now I’m into Chubby Vito for 14 large!”

Okay, there’s no Chubby Vito, but $14 bucks is pretty large when you’re broke like me.

What else happened this weekend? Not much. The Lakers are going to the Super Bowl. That’s good.

As you probably already figured out, I don’t have much to say.

But there was plenty of frustrating news on TV this morning.

Okay, I’ve lost all my steam. I was going to talk about this woman who had her children taken away from her for making false molestation allegations during a child custody case. But since ABC.com can’t pull its head out of its butt and actually POST the freaking story, I’m not going to now.

It was on their stupid show! I just gave you the gist of it anyway. She was on there crying, “poor me! How could they do this to me?!”


Look, lady, you can’t make allegations like that just because you’re pissed off at the dude! It’s still under investigation. According to her, everybody, the police, the investigators, the court appointed guardians…everybody…is lying but her.

If the claims prove to be false, I say take the kids away from her. The guy is rich and lives in Malibu. I would rather live in Malibu that with my crazy ex- nude model mom.

Okay, so I commented on the story anyway. But I can’t check my facts. If you got a problem with that, remember, this is a blog, not a newspaper.

Man, I’m hostile. Sorry, I’m pressed for time and ABC.com just made me so mad!

In other annoying news: Good Morning America also ran a story about high school kids who have “friends with privileges.” Charles Gibson was stumped. “Friends with privileges? Does that mean that you get comped on an expense account?”

Seeing something like that makes me fear for my future. I wonder if I’ll be able to pinpoint the exact moment when I lose complete touch with the rest of the world? Will I be walking down the street and suddenly say, “Heezie Beezie?! That don’t make no sense! Is that a new McDonald’s menu item?...Wait…Oh, my god…I’m OLD!”

I can only hope that my out-of-touchedness grows in proportion to my dementia. Then I won’t know (or care) that I’m not cool anymore.

Anyway, there are these teenagers, and they’re being “so candid” about their sex life. I tell ya’, they got it down. I mean, they’ve just gone right out and figured out this great blessed world. You see, they have these friends, right, but these aren’t just ordinary friends, they’re friends…with privileges!

Now, I’m not going to insult your intelligence by explaining what that is. After all, I can pretty much say, with complete certainty, that this concept isn’t new. It’s been around the block a few times.

Here’s the funny thing, though. These kids think that they’ve gotten all the bugs worked out of it. Now the process has been perfected.

That’s good, because it used to turn into a huge sobby mess. I’m glad it’s fixed. Not for me, but for those of you who crave unemotional sex.

But the teens on the show claim that they don’t actually have sex, it’s an anything-but sort of deal.


At least they’re being honest and candid. Maybe if their parents weren’t watching…

And, what crime did these kids commit to be forced onto this panel? I would think that the info would be a little tainted if they just volunteered. Either they’re lying, or it’s a bigger problem than anyone is aware of. We all know that the kids who volunteer are never the worst of the bunch.

These teens claim that there is no emotional attachment. They can just bang and run, so to speak. Sure, they can. They’re teenagers! They have an emotional attachment to their LUNCHES!

Stupid kids. Heezie Beezie, that don’t make no sense…Oh my God!...

However, if you missed the show, you missed one of the best morning news moments in recent history. The panel consisted of a 17 year-old girl and two boys, one 15 and the other 16.

So, Charlie Gibson is interviewing them and the “anything-but” part comes up. So, okay, we all infer that it means oral sex. But evidentially Charlie didn’t have all the info that he wanted. This was his next question (as good as I can remember).

CHARLIE: (to girl) So…that means…you…guys…oral. But does it…do they…are the…mutual…is it a two way street?

17 YEAR-OLD GIRL: I would hope so!

Ha ha! Slutty teens are so witty!

I was waiting for Chuck to ask for a little detail. He didn’t. His question had been answered. I guess the teenage sex thing isn’t that big a deal now. As long as everyone is treated equally, how could it be?

Charles Gibson, emancipator of the sexually neglected teen.

Fun Fact: I’m glad that I didn’t fall down a well when I was a baby. Poor Baby Jessica just graduated from high school and we’re still calling her Baby Jessica! She’s 17! She’s not a baby! She’s old enough to go to college and have friends with privileges!

I wouldn’t want people calling me baby TAM. Unless it meant that they still thought I was cute. “Oh look, Baby TAM is smoking a cigarette! That’s adorable!”

Besides, what I do in wells in nobody’s business but my own!

Way to go Jessica, you’re the only celebrity I know of who made a name for herself by blamelessly doing something completely stupid.

And the new TAM cartoon is up!