Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Goodbye PapPap

It’s an email world, I tell you. I just learned via email that my ex-step grandfather passed away on Thanksgiving Day. That’s really sad. Not the email part, the passing away part. Although, some may think that the email part is also sad. But that’s not important. The important thing is that he’s gone and he will be missed greatly.

I haven’t kept in touch with him. As I said, he was my ex-step grandfather. But I still loved the guy and considered him to be my grandfather. I should have been a better grandson. Well, that’s how these things go. I’m certain that he harbors no resentment towards me. Even if there is an afterlife (I’m an atheist) I’m sure that PapPap has better things to do than be mad at me for never writing.

I thought about him often. I’ll never forget him. He was a good man. He had to be, he had like a thousand kids! Okay, not a thousand, but 11. I think it’s eleven. I’m not exactly sure. Like I said, I don’t keep in touch very well. Those of you who I actually write to should feel very good about yourselves. Well, that is if you tie your self esteem into whether or not you get an email from me. I hope you don’t. That would be really sad. And a lot of pressure for me.

Okay, back to reality. No one judges their self worth based on my correspondence. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t be a little better about keeping in touch. My actual blood grandparents can tell you that.

I’m really a bad grandson.

Don’t worry, my blood grandparents will be getting a Christmas album this year. And so will my ex-step grandmother. Christmas albums for everyone!

Does that fix everything? Probably not. But, as you can tell, it couldn’t make things any worse.

So, back to my PapPap (that title is a Pittsburgh thing). He was a firefighter. He had a lot of firefighting buddies. We used to go to the fireman’s picnic every summer. It was a good time. They always held it at some rustic Pennsylvania amusement park. We also used to go to his house in Pittsburgh every summer. On Allegheny Street. I’d watch HBO (one of the only times I could) and eat chipped ham sandwiches on rolls.

Other than that, I really never knew much about him. I think that most kids don’t really know their grandparents. But he was nice and he treated me like any one of his other grandchildren and he was loved.

Okay…I know that I’m in no position to gripe, but come on PapPap, did you really have to pass away on Thanksgiving?! I already lost my wonderful uncle Douglas on Christmas! I just have a favor to ask of the rest of my loved ones, if you have to pass away, could you do it on a non-holiday? I’ll try to do the same. The summer is pretty much empty. Aim for then, if you have to go. But please, not on August 4th. Let’s all make a pact and keep it.

Okay, to recap, I’m a bad grandson, no one is allowed to die on holidays or August 4th, shout out to Bill and Bette Cox, my uncle Douglas was really great and I’ll miss my PapPap.

Goodbye Hap O’Brien.

Fun Fact: On a lighter note, the new TAM Cartoon is up! Yeah, yeehaw! No more thoughts of death. Just think of kitties and puppies. Wonderful, wonderful kitties and puppies. Tasty kitties and puppies…

Monday, November 29, 2004

No Pictures, No Photographs…!

Well, it seems like I’ve gone through another vacation with a proverbial jacket over my not-so-proverbial head. I took the camera. I didn’t take pictures.

Tanya and I spent Thanksgiving in Running Springs, nestled high in the picturesque California Mountains. It was really a lovely place. Very photogenic. But see, the camera was downstairs at the cabin in a suitcase and although I had no problem driving 5300 feet up the mountain, I couldn’t be bothered to walk 50 feet downstairs. So, no pictures for you.

Just imagine a snow covered house resting gently under tall swaying pines. Imagine the great room of every arts and crafts lodge you’ve ever seen. High ceilings, wide hardwood floors, the smell of cinnamon hanging in the air.

Our cabin was nothing like that.

Well, it was a little like that. It had Jello molds hanging on the walls. That’s rustic. It had wood paneling. That’s kind of rustic, right? It had an air hockey table. The kind Grizzly Adams used to play on. And there was snow.

It was a good time. I came in third in the great air hockey tourney. At least I finished in the medals. The turkey that Tanya and I had to make turned out really good. It was a fine bird. In fact, all of Thanksgiving dinner turned out well. Very tasty.

It was a good time. But I’m more convinced than ever that I’m not ready to have children. I’m way too selfish for them. I’m too selfish to even want them. There were two kids in diapers on this trip with us (we went with other people, we didn’t just steal some kids). They were cute. They were smart. They didn’t cry much. But, here’s the deal, they were still the focus of my attention when they were in the room. I didn’t have to change diapers. I didn’t have to feed them. I didn’t have to get them to go to sleep. I didn’t even have to watch them really. But they still wore me out. The parent’s were incessant…”what’s he getting into?” “Is he digging in the garbage?” “What is that in his mouth?” “Don’t hit…”

And then there were the things they said to the kids.

And those kids were well behaved! No thanks. The television is mine. The garbage is mine. The food is mine. Sleep is mine. It’s all mine! Stay away, kids!

Speaking of kids, there are kids on Desperate Housewives. Did you like that? It’s a tie in. A segway (not the scooter). It’s the type of thing that ABC’s Good Morning America is driving me crazy with.

It seems that ABC is happier tan a kid with his first bike to have a hit television show. Sure, it’s been a while. Some people see it as a sign of the apocalypse. They’re wrong. But, Hope and Faith is the fifth seal.

Anyway, GMA’s been doing these really annoying tie-ins with their number one show. I understand the excitement, but come on, enough is enough. It’s one thing to talk about Desperate Housewives during the entertainment portion of the show, it’s another to pretend like it’s somehow poignant enough to connect to actual news.

Desperate Housewives is not news! But today they introduced a story with a moment from the show. I don’t watch DH, but evidentially, there was a nightmare sequence in it last night. The clip led into a story about nightmares and dream analysis.

Dumb. It’s very transparent. If they’re not careful, ABC’s going to create huge backlash. I already hate the show, and I’ve never even watched it. What are the executives thinking?

“DH is the top show on Sunday nights!”


“Yeah, but we still need to advertise the hell out of it. What we need is synergy!”


“Yeah, you know, we need to be able to advertise the show on the news without making it seem like a flagrant plug and vice versa.”

“Is that why that lady flashed the football guy?”

“Sort of…Think. What on the show could be newsworthy?”

“Well a lady died last night.”

“Yes, but she’s not really dead. It’s just a show, she’s very much alive. Although, she’s probably wondering how she’s going to pay for that new house in Brentwood without the nice paycheck.”

“My house cost a lot too.”

“Phil, you’re a genius! Desperate Housewives reminds people of news! There’s a dream sequence in the show…nightmare analysis! There’s a murder on the show…the rising violent crime rate! There’s kids on the show…Cardinal Mahoney’s indictment! It’s perfect.”

“Do I get a raise now?”

“Hell no.”

“But, what about my house…?”

Well, you get the idea. It’s relentless and dumb. Much like my little dialogue there. We need to be smarter about these things. It’s bad enough that the news is full of crap like Julia Roberts’ weird-named babies. Disney needs to stop whoring itself to itself. Diane Sawyer didn’t claw her way up to the top to tell me about some dumb ass TV show. At least I hope not. She should be above that too.

Fun Fact: Julia Roberts named her kids Phinnaeus and Hazel. I would make fun of them for being born in the wrong century, but I have a sneaking suspicion that someday I’ll be begging them for a job.

Nepotism sucks when you’re the child of teachers.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Unfortunately, I’m Unappreciative

But, you’re all certainly not, so have a very joyous and happy Thanksgiving. Keep this sentiment in your hearts for the entire holiday season; let it warm you like a happy hot oven.

But don’t forget to baste yourselves every hour or so. And if you find yourselves prematurely browning, just loosely tent yourselves with aluminum foil.

Happy Thanksgiving,


Fun Fact: Tanya and I are responsible for making the turkey this year. Sure, it’s a fun fact now, but I suspect in about 30 hours or so, it’s going to be something far more sinister.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

The Definition of Narcissism

Listening to a CD of yourself singing Christmas songs while writing a blog post.

I’m sure that the Dictionary has a different definition. But they’re wrong and I’m right and they know it.

So Tanya and I are heading out to Big Bear this week for Thanksgiving. We’re renting a place with some other people. It would make me feel like I’m back in college except that two of the couples have babies.

So, I guess it makes me feel like I’m back in high school?

Ah, teen pregnancy, always good for a laugh. But seriously, babies?! When did I become an adult? It was certainly nothing that I did. Leave it to the people around you to make you feel old. They don’t realize that they’re doing it either. They say things like “I can’t believe [insert baby’s name here] is already [insert age here]! Man, do I feel old!”

Yeah, thanks, pal, I might feel sympathy…if I weren’t three years older than you! Thanks for nothing. Now we’re both old.

But at least I don’t have a baby. Ha ha baby-makers! Even a cute one. Yes, the “babies” (in quotes because I don’t consider them really babies, like pre-toddlers or something) are cute. Cute, cute, cute. But that’s how they get you! They give you the ol’ “tender eye” and the second you turn around to congratulate your friends about how cute the kid is, they turn into screaming poop wallowers.

The kids, not the parents.

Don’t be fooled. Babies grow into horrible monsters. Ask your parents. They’ll tell you. You’re one of them. Don’t deny it. And you’re probably one of the good ones. Think about it, I know that I’ve been through a lot in my life. Things that made me grow into the person that I am today. I feel like I’m at least a so-so kind of guy. I could be worse. I haven’t slaughtered the squirrels that live in the tree outside or anything. Not yet anyway. But think about all of the dumb things that you did as a kid or teenager. To you, those things were hiccups in the road to responsible adulthood. To your parents, they were small crisis. Times when they wondered if you were going to turn into some kind of psychopath or sociopath or Paris Hilton or something.

If your parents tell you any different, they’re just trying to protect your feelings – or they’re looking for grandchildren. Beware! Misery loves company. And grandchildren are the ultimate “I told you so.” Watch out, because moms and dads also know how to give the ol’ “tender-eye.” They’ve seen you do it for years. And as we all know, we only give the tender-eye when we do something bad.

So this Thanksgiving, if you see a loveable twinkle in you mother’s eye, watch out, she wants you and your significant other (or insignificant other…best friend…occasional acquaintance…the lady outside the 7-11…) to make babies!

Or she just wrecked your new Camero.

To sum up. We’re going to Big Bear (Running Springs) for Thanksgiving, there will be babies there, we had to go on a horrific turkey hunt last night (I really didn’t mention this before, but here it is now, pretend like I talked about it), we were all horrible children, grandchildren are the result of pressure put on for the sake of morbid payback, my mom’s a saint (thanks mom for the Halloween presents and birthday gift…but, Halloween was a while ago and my birthday was in August…thanks anyway, I’ll call you soon), I’m listening to myself sing Christmas music, I’m old, …you’re also old, the lady outside the 7-11 wants to have my babies and I’m a narcissist.

So, really, nothing new. I have to go. The squirrels that live in the tree outside are starting to get in my head – and there’s a reckoning coming.

Fun Fact:
We’re looking for great ideas for the cover of the Christmas Album this year. Last year, I just did some paper cut-outs, but this year I want something different. Something both incredibly spectacular and obscenely simple. Any suggestions?

And, the Thanksgiving edition of the TAM Cartoon is up. (There won’t be another cartoon this week, sorry. Peruse the archives…it’s full of surprises)

Monday, November 22, 2004

If He Wasn’t 100% Right, He’d be Annoying

Yes I’m talking about this guy at the gym. My gym, while being overcrowded and employing a staff that would rather shove toothpicks under their fingernails than actually help a customer or fix a treadmill, is a very ethnically diverse gym. It’s actually the perfect blend of clientele. Think about every suburban gym you’ve ever seen on TV or in the movies (boxing gyms not included) and that’s what ours looks like (only with broken equipment).

All racial, economic, social and fitness backgrounds are represented. The people at the gym are generally pretty cool, when they’re not hogging the crosstrainers or trying to work out on two pieces of equipment at the same time. Your towel cannot save a bench for 20 minutes unless it also pays dues!

Sorry, I’m getting off track here. Like I said, the people at the gym are generally pretty good people. It’s also usually pretty quiet there. Usually, we just get to workout and bask in the creative genius of gangsta rap. But there are a small group of men who like to hear themselves talk. In fact they like everyone to hear them talk. If you live in the city or ever watched a Cedric the Entertainer movie, you probably already figured out that the group in which I refer to are middle-aged black men.

It doesn’t really bother anyone, they stay in the weight room, so you don’t have to sit and listen to them for very long. Besides, it’s like hanging out in the barber shop from Coming to America.

But there’s this one guy who likes to stick to the cardio equipment. No one talks on the cardio equipment. It’s dead quiet in the cardio room. You could hear Ice T drop a pin in dat hizzie. But this guy talks as if he’s the only one there. Well, he and his buddy.

The guy stays on the crosstrainer gabbing away while his friend stands toady-style next to him going “yup, yup, true dat…” The little friend never gets any exercise. The perils of discipledom, I guess.

I hate it when someone yaks and yaks on the cardio equipment. I should say that I hate it when one person does it. If everyone would do it, fine. I could live with that. Then maybe I could talk to Tanya without feeling like I’m airing dirty laundry. We don’t have a lot of metaphorical dirty laundry, we have real dirty laundry, in fact, I’m wearing some right now. But that’s not my point either.

We need to make a communal decision to talk in the cardio room. That way, we all don’t have to listen to one guy give his opinion on everything. This dude doesn’t care, he likes the audience. I’ve listened to him talk about the presidential elections, ghetto gentrification and today, the basketball brawl in Detroit.

A brawl in Detroit?! No?! Another quality city ruined forever by violence! How will they ever recover their image?!

Anyway, he’s blabbin’ about the fight, his crony’s nodding and going “yup, yup, true dat…” and I’m thinking the exact same thing I always think when I hear this guy opening his big fat mouth, “man…he’s absolutely right!”

It’s uncanny. He hasn’t expressed a single opinion that I didn’t agree with. I never wholeheartedly agree with everything people say. I like to find things wrong. I’m a little sick like that. But not this guy. He’s been on the money about everything. Absolutely everything. He’s like an older, darker version of me.

It’s nice to know that there’s at least one intelligent person in this world. A person that thinks like me. Yes, there’s hope for the world. Don’t worry everyone, me and this guy from then gym will take care of everything! You just sit there and enjoy your new Utopia.

Now, if only he would just shut the hell up every once and a while and at least let his little friend exercise more than just his nodding muscles.

Shhh little sir, right or not, we don’t talk on the cardio equipment...

Fun Fact: The other day I shared with you my love for the HP commercial song “Picturebook.” Well, I have another love. It’s the tune they use to sell St. Joseph aspirin. I get it stuck in my head very easily. Let’s all sing the chorus together, shall we?

Pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pumps your blood. Pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pump pumps your blood.

How could anyone not like that song?!

Again, from the top…!

Friday, November 19, 2004

General Wackiness

No, he’s not the latest Presidential appointee to the cabinet; I’m talking about Vioxx and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Duh.

So, Vioxx causes heart problems. Huh. No one saw that one coming did they? People thought that they were going to get relief from arthritis and ended up with bad tickers. Now the television and the web are full of lawyers out for “justice.”

The FDA is also under attack for letting the drug go to the marketplace. They should have known that it was unsafe. They should only let the safe drugs onto pharmacy shelves. Only the safe ones!

There are a couple other drugs now under investigation. One for obesity, one for asthma, one for acne…

But my question is, when was the last time you ever saw a “safe” drug?! Look, anything that alters your physiological makeup is bound to be dangerous. We have to be careful. I’m not saying that Merck and the FDA aren’t to blame a little bit, but come on people, if you’re going to tale a prescription drug – research it! Now, I know that this is a special case, but if the drug says that it may cause death, pay attention! It’s not always just legal BS.

And where are the doctors during all this? Why do doctors pass around prescription drugs like herbal ecstasy at a high school prom?! Why don’t we blame them? And don’t give me that crap about doctor’s not knowing the dangers. If your freaking doctor doesn’t know that drugs are dangerous then either get a new Dr or just have a heart attack or an embolism and get it over with.

But listen, I’m also not saying that doctors should be to blame either. We have to take some responsibility here. Why is it that we always make someone else responsible for what we put in our mouths? Drugs, fatty hamburgers, tobacco, grits, small electric toy trains…

There’s a problem here. A fundamental problem. Supporters re-elected Goerge Bush partially because John Edwards was a trial lawyer. Too much litigation. I agree with you Bushies, there is too much litigation. But, see, that won’t stop until you people stop suing other people. That’s what litigation is! It’s not the devil. It is us. Lawyers don’t always make the cases. They need clients.

People want the government to be smaller, but they want it to protect us from terrorists and bad drugs and small electric toy trains. We can’t have it both ways. Yes, Merck was wrong to push a dangerous drug onto the American public. Doctors were wrong for prescribing it. But patients are also wrong for naively popping pills.

I feel bad for the victims of Vioxx, and I don’t want to sound like a cold-hearted bastard, but if things are going to change, we have to take some responsibility. We need to be more accountable in order to make the drug companies and the FDA more accountable. As we know from childhood, the “I didn’t know” defense only goes so far. And ignorance only makes it possible for this to happen again. Did we learn nothing from Thalidomide?

Okay, now to Governor Arnold. He wants to run for president. A group of people are running ads in an attempt to bring together enough supporters for a constitutional change that would allow just that.

Why?! Already?!

The dude’s only been in office for a little while. Let’s not be na├»ve and pretend that this is some benevolent move geared toward allowing all immigrants to enter the oval office (as something other than a janitor I mean). This is about Arnold. It’s all about Arnold.

It’s dumb.

Why Arnold? Haven’t there been more interesting immigrants up to the task? But, no, people have to have it now! They have to have Arnold. Arnold will always be cool, right? Let’s change the constitution for someone cool like Arnold! He’s cool!

Well, at least it’s not an impulsive decision. While we’re at it, let’s name Destiny’s Child, the bestest female singing group of all time! Or better yet, Chair-Booties of the Joint Chiefs of Booty!

Take that, Andrews Sisters!

Fun Fact: Okay, I was going to make an off-color joke about Thalidomide babies. I was going to say that they’re unfortunate because not only are the poor things born with flippers instead of arms, but those flippers don’t help them swim really fast either.

Then I accidentally found this page while making sure that Thalidomide babies actually had the problems that I thought they did. Now I’m not so sure.

Poor kids. Maybe the new TAM Cartoon will make me look like less of an ass. Probably not.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Get Out of My Head

Of course I’m referring to that song for the new HP commercials. New commercials, old song. Great song. Regrettably catchy song.

It’s “Picture Book” by The Kinks. Here, next time the commercial is on, sing along!

Picture yourself when you're getting old.
You sat by the fireside, pondering all.
Picture book, pictures of your Mama, taken by your Papa,
A long time ago.
Picture book, of people with each other, to prove they loved each other,
A long time ago.

La la la la la la, La la la la la la,
Picture book, picture book.

A picture of you in your birthday suit.
You sat in the sun on a hot afternoon.
Picture book, your Mama and your Papa,
And fat old Uncle Charlie,
Out boozing with their friends.
Picture book, a holiday in August, outside a bed & breakfast.
In sunny Southend.
Picture book, when you were just a baby,
Those days when you were happy,
A long time ago.
La la la la la la, La la la la la la.
Picture book, Picture book.

To better facilitate friendlier “sing-alonginess” I’ve made the lyrics heard in the ads bold. You’re welcome. I was only going to post the lyrics that were in the commercials, but there aren’t that many lyrics in the song so today is your lucky day!

But I think the commercials should include the lyrics about fat Uncle Charlie boozin’ it up.

Speaking of songs, Rolling Stone Magazine has come out with yet another list of dumb crap. The Kinks made #34 on one of the Rolling Stone lists with “You Really Got Me” (speaking of The Kinks). Of course it’s a list of the 500 best songs ever recorded.

This latest list is just another in an ongoing series of “best songs” lists. They make lists like this every couple of years. Ironically, the list keeps changing. And not because they’re adding new songs, they just keep shuffling around the old ones. Although “Hey Ya” by Outkast made the list this time. Truly an enduring classic. That’s humanity for you, never making snap decisions based on popular taste. “Smells Like Teen Spirit” also made the list and it should have. That’s old enough to have stood the test of time. But “Hey Ya?” Yes, I know, I like the stupid song too, but I also used to really love “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.”

Oh, who am I kidding, I still love that song. Really. It’s chipper.

But come on Rolling Stone, 500?! 500 Greatest songs of all time?! Pretty good odds for hopeful crappy songs actually. But not a very manageable list, if you ask me. That’s why it’s only number 5 on my list of all-time greatest all-time greatest lists:

#5 Rolling Stone’s 500 all-time greatest songs. (List)

#4 The Museum of Hoaxes top 100 April Fools Day hoaxes of all time. (List)

#3 Babynames.com’s top baby names for 2003. (List)

#2 My all-time greatest needed groceries from Albertsons for last week. (Yeah, Healthy Choice Low Calorie Frozen Entrees! No Link)

#1 AFI’s 100 years – 100 movies. (List)

I would include more lists, but I don’t have all day to sit here and find lists. I also have a list…a list of things to do today! Sadly, my to-do list for today didn’t make the “All-Time Greatest All-Time Greatest Lists List.” It’s rather pathetic, much like my “All-Time Greatest All-Time Greatest Lists List” (I just like writing that).

Fun Fact: Even though the Rolling Stone list is compiled of Rock Songs that have a staple vernacular, none of the titles contain the word “baby.”

Even more ironical, neither does the list of baby names.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

George Bush is a Pain in the Butt

Colin Powell has resigned. Condoleeza Rice has taken over. I’m glad that we didn’t change leadership in the midst of a bloody war. Thank god Bush is still in office. After all, it was his singular leadership that people voted for anyway.

It’s sad actually. While I’m happy to have the first black woman Secretary of State, Condoleeza is a crony. She’ll do whatever George says to do. Which is a little like Pinocchio putting on a puppet show.

At least Colin was a free thinker. He was bold and opinionated. I’m baffled as to why we pronounce his name Colon when it’s obviously not spelled that way…but he’ll be missed.

I know that the cabinet usually changes between terms, but I feel like this time, it’s hypocritical. What about all that campaign talk?

But I really expected nothing less from this president. And they Bill Clinton was a manipulator? At least he only screwed one person at a time.

In other news, the Vibe Awards were filmed last night. But before you get all excited about who won “coolest collabo,” “enterprising entrepreneur,” “reelist video,” or which city won the coveted “most influential region” award – there were problems.

A fight broke out! A fight! At the Vibe Awards?! Not them too? Thugs have already taken over the Source Awards and now they’re trying to contaminate the Vibe Awards?! The Vibe awards are an institution too important to be broadcast on network television.

You know, rappers may be able to someday get together to give out self-congratulatory, absolutely meaningless award someday without someone being stabbed, but really what’s the point? They’re just keeping it real. Stabbing is real, damnit! Rappers just rap about what they see everyday. People get stabbed, damnit. Rappers know because most of the time it’s them doing the stabbing.

See, someone punched Dr. Dre right before he was to accept his…um…his…lifetime achievement award…sorry, I had to compose myself before I wrote that. A melee broke out. A dude got stabbed. They got the whole thing on tape. But in true gangsta’ style, no one got arrested.

Snoop Dog and Quincy Jones just stood there staring. Doing nothing but looking a little scared.

I wonder if Quincy Jones ever looks around him and thinks “what the hell am I doing here? I’ve written and produced countless hits and TV show themes. I’ve almost gained universal acclaim as a true artist and composer?! Why do I hang out with these thugs?” And then looks in his overstuffed wallet and thinks, “Oh…of course!”

Oh, and you da’ original gangsta’, Snoop.

Fun Fact: Actually, I am the original gangsta’! You better scram, get on the ameche and tell your moll to hand over the mazuma, yous mugs, before I start spittin’ lead!

And the new TAM Cartoon is up fo’ shizzle.

Monday, November 15, 2004

I Blame Corporate Greed for My Puny Arms

That’s right, I said it and I’ll say it again. Damn you corporate greed! Because of you I have the biceps of a ten year old girl! Figuratively. Not literally. Even rampant corporate gluttony couldn’t make me actually steal a little girl’s arm muscles.

Not yet anyway.

But I’m getting there fast, I tell you. Our gym has become a madhouse. Usually these things die down after a while. But not this time, it’s only getting worse. I also partially blame daylight saving time. It used to be that it was dark when we went to the gym. But now it’s light and airy, birds chirp, the air’s crisp, all is right with the world.

Enough! I want the gloomy old days of daylight saving! When it was near impossible to drag my tired ass out of bed (and not just because my arms are so puny that I can barely lift the covers).

Other people had a problem getting to the gym too. It was perfect. Nothing but empty cross-trainers as far as the eye could see.

Now everybody’s suddenly turned into a bunch of roided out Benjamin Franklins (no, not $100 dollar bills…“Early to be, early to rise…”). And stupid Bally Total Fitness is doing nothing about it. They don’t care that I can’t get my workout done. They don’t care that I’m unhealthy. They don’t care that I sweat when I eat sharp cheddar cheese (that really has nothing to do with them, I guess). They just care that I’m not broke. Or at least, Bankrupt.

The gym keeps filling up. The parking lot keeps filling up. But Bally just keeps signing ‘em up. There’s no quota. There’s no cap. They’ll keep signing people up until there’s no chance for anyone but the most intimidating to get any kind of exercise. Then they’ll build a new gym and start all over again.

Well, Bally, I can’t wait that long. Besides, they just built a new gym. But there’s little hope that it’ll actually affect the attendance at my gym. It’s in Inglewood! No one wants to work out in da hood!

I can’t sit around waiting for the hood to become gentrified. It takes too long. Stop signing people up, damnit!

It’s bait and switch, isn’t it? When I signed up for the gym, I think that I had a reasonable expectation that I would actually be able to work out. Was I wrong?!

In conclusion, yes I was.

I hate you Bally.

Fun Fact: I didn’t watch the AMAs last night. I don’t think I was alone. But I did catch little snippets of them during the commercial breaks from Law and Order Criminal Investigation.

It’s ironic, I like Dick Clark, but I hate every show he’s ever produced (except American Bandstand…when it was good).

Diana Ross and Anna Nichole Smith need serious help. Seriously, it’s not funny anymore. At this point, doing nothing would be tantamount to reckless indifference and assisted suicide.

And just because, Usher insisted on dedicating his awards to “all the ladies,” doesn’t change the fact that he’s gay.

Friday, November 12, 2004

Stick it to the (Cave) Man

As most of you probably already know, in the state of Georgia there is quite a fuss about some dumb stickers.

Some parents signed a petition to place stickers that say that “evolution is a theory, not a fact” on public school science books. I needn’t say that they’re religious types. They want creationism to be taught as well. You know, to sorta’ give the “other” side of the story.

Their fight has made it to a federal court.

But here’s what really bugs me. They claim that religion isn’t their motivating factor. They say that they’re just trying to show that creation and evolution is a subject that is up for debate. They want the science books to illustrate that. But they say that they’re not just doing it because of their unwavering belief in divine creationism.

Give me a break. Just fess up to it for chrissake. “Darwinistic” evolution is a threat to religion. Just say it. It ain’t no thing. Hell, I’m not Christian and even I’ll agree with that. I also agree that if you want to maintain your hold on the beliefs of the American people that you should attack the theory of evolution in schools.

What I don’t understand is why Christians are so damned threatened by other beliefs in the first place. They’re not alone. Most major religions are threatened by other religions and beliefs. I don’t get that either, especially when they all seem to have pretty much the same ideas of human morality. It would seem to me that there are other, more powerful and probably monetary, motivating factors at work at the higher levels. It’s true (or at least used to be true) of the Catholics. But they’re obvious about it. The Vatican didn’t build itself people.

Neither did Oral Roberts University (not Catholic).

This time, the religious groups are going about their fight in the right way though. You have to admire that. They finally figured out that if you want to get the support of the public you have to look like you’re being inclusive. Very “civil rights” of them.

Problem is, they’re not being inclusive. And if I thought that it wouldn’t screw up the education of thousands of innocent kids with dumb parents, I’d say “let’s give ‘em what they’re asking for!”

Let’s teach scientific evolution and creationism side by side (that would be interesting, you have to admit). But let’s not leave anyone out people.

L. Ron Hubbard has some rather…interesting thoughts on the subject of creationism. So do the “flying saucer” folk. I’m not saying that we should let every whacked out theory be introduced into the class. I promise that only actual alien abductees would be allowed to contribute. If not abductees, then at least the ones who have space alien friends. There are a few.

But then we should talk about Buddhism, Islam, Hinduism, Voodoo, and Native American religions. There are hundreds of them. In fact, which Christian creationism should be taught? What about dinosaurs? Cavemen? The Beatles?

Rediculous. Look, the point is that it’s a freaking science class! They teach science. And ironic as it may be that a group of people who base their entire existence on “faith” should be arguing about “proof,” this is a dumb argument. Just from the practical aspect that if schools get involved in the church business, the churchies will just find themselves in a much bigger battle over whose religion is the right religion for our public classrooms.


But you know what? I say go for it. Let them put those stickers on public textbooks. But to be fair, you have to let us evolutionists come to your churches and put similar stickers on your bibles...

“God may not actually exist.”

Chill out, it’s just a sticker.

Fun Fact: More Christmas album stuff. In order to inspire more interest in it, I’ve decided to release the names of two songs that will appear on it.

Swingin’ Christmas

Santa’s Comin’

Provocative, no? Really though, it’s not that kind of album. It’s much more innocent than these two titles would suggest. I even though about letting the spell checker rename that second song. But then I would have to change the lyrics. It could be all about Santa’s experience with Indian food.

Santa’s Cumin

Next year maybe?

Oh, and of course, the latest TAM Cartoon is up! Spicy!

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

You Can Never Really Go Holmes

No, not Sherlock…Katie.

We got the screener for First Daughter last night. I felt an obligation to watch it because Tanya’s in it (and Kathy too). Mistake.

I don’t understand the hype surrounding Katie Holmes. I never watched Dawson’s Creek. I never became a fan. I’m still not a fan. I’ll probably never be a fan. I don’t think she’s cute. I don’t think she can act. I think she needs to fade away into obscurity before she threatens the safety of the entire world.

Before anyone starts getting "all up on me" about this, think about something: How much can an actor’s celebrity principal purchase? Katie Holmes is some kind of “name,” I can understand that. But really…why? It’s time to cash out the loan Katie. You suck.

There are other celebrities with “name collateral.” Most of the time, if they have to use it, they’re in serious danger of default.

Tara Reid is one. As I learned lately, she’s bitching about the media and her “perceived” image. She feels that her treatment by the American public is somehow unfair. She can’t figure out why she gets labeled as a whore and talenless hack while her bud Paris Hilton just keeps climbing up the ladder of fame.

Here’s the distinction Ms Reid. You are a talentless hack. So is Paris. But the difference is that Paris can be anything she wants; a whore, a miscreant, a bumbling moron…but when she wakes up on the morning after, she’ll still be grotesquely rich.

Paris unfortunately doesn’t have to play the Hollywood game. She can afford to take “risks.” (I used quotes because I feel that you can’t take an actual risk if you’re stupidly ignorant of the consequences) You, my dear Tara, can’t. Perhaps it’s better this way. Better for us anyway. Take some pills, drink a beer, hit the streets of Florida and call it a night.

But honestly, acting like a human being would help.

Sorry, I got off subject. Katie Holmes should not be put in movies. I stopped watching First Daughter halfway through. It’s just not good.

I weep for Michael Keaton. And Forest Whitaker…what happened to you man?! You used to be Charlie Parker! I’m afraid that you too are going to have to refinance your career. I’ve seen Phonebooth (Katie’s bad in that too!). Get a grip Forest…but not like you did in the Crying Game.

Fun Fact: I was going to post some of the First Daughter “goofs” from IMDb. But one goof seemed to eclipse them all. It’s called the film.

But really, what can you expect from a movie with a story written by Jerry O’Connell (although, “My Secret Identity” was a kick-ass TV show).

And an open-mouthed smile makes a person look…mentally challenged. It’s a fact. I know, I do it all the time.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Slow Gnus Day

It’s always a slow news day around here. That’s the problem with working alone all day from home; I have no funny anecdotes to share about my stupid co-workers. I have only one stupid co-worker, and he’s me.

But on that note, I wish the knucklehead I share my office space with would stop peeing with the door open. And what the hell is with the two-hour lunch?! It’s not like he works that hard!

Not to mention that he’s almost completely worthless. The other day, the printer was screwed up and he spent about two hours trying to fix it until he finally decided to restart the computer! Always restart the computer, you moron! It’s the absolute fix for every computer problem! The computer has an almost unholy ability to fix itself most of the time. People who don’t restart as their first option usually think of themselves as computer savvy. But what they actually are is $700 bucks poorer after they screw up their entire system.

And I get sick of the Christmas music. It’s November!

Okay, enough of that, I’m starting to creep myself out. Talking about oneself in the third person is abnormal. That’s why this man will stop doing it. He’ll stop doing it right now. Referring to oneself in the third person is best reserved for aristocracy and gangsta’ rappers. Neither of which, this person is.

Not to mention that I was starting to have an identity crisis. It’s hard to have your foibles pointed out to you so lucidly. It’s hurtful. Especially when those comments come from yourself.

I suppose I have only myself to blame.

The other day I gave you examples of what sickness does to synopses writing. This post is a prime illustration of what sickness, boredom and a bizarre sense of obligation can do to a blog post.

It isn’t pretty. But I have some time left in my posting allotment. What to talk about? See, I have no pretense of importance here at TAM, it’s all crap. Hopefully everyone keeps that in mind, especially my mother whom I haven’t heard from since I ripped into the ethics of the Republican party (is it moral to use morality to get elected only to later deny that it was the deciding factor in the election thus basically giving a big screw you to the hopeful mass-going masses who expect the government to turn into some kind of theocracy?).

Naw, I’m sure it’s coincidence, right mom?

I’ve been sitting here for five minutes trying to think of something to say. It’s time to call it a day.

Fun Fact: Here’s a festive holiday treat for all of you dieting hot-beverage drinkers.

Brew a cup of Celestial Seasonings Nutcracker Sweet Holiday Tea or Gingerbread Spice Holiday Tea (if you can find it in your stores, we stocked up on it last year and it’s still good). Add one packet of Splenda no-calorie sweetener and a little bit of low calorie, low fat, low carb French Vanilla flavored non-dairy coffee creamer.

It’s tasty and won’t burst your belt buckle.

Substitute Bailey’s Irish Cream for the French Vanilla creamer if you’re in the mood for something even more festive and inebriating.

The new TAM Cartoon is up and…I’m out!

Monday, November 08, 2004

Always a Giver

That’s me.

Now, there have been comments on this blog about how I never buy Christmas presents, or any other kind of present for that matter. Now I have proof.

It was Brandon’s birthday recently. The creator and custodian of Tournament of Stuff. The infamous 2000th Visitor. Happy birthday Brandon. See, here’s a picture of Brandon opening the gift that we got him (okay so Tanya bought it, but she had my full support and approval).

So Brandon had his birthday party blah, blah, blah, he turned like 35 or something blah, blah, blah…

Let’s talk about that wrapping job shall we?

Look at that! Stunning, isn’t it? It has handles! HANDLES! Thomas Edison himself could not have engineered a better gift transmitter. And you don’t need to go to some fancy gift wrap store to buy some fancy gift wrap…from the store. Trader Joes is lousy with the stuff. All you need is a paper bag with handles and a little genius.

Luckily I had both.

When was the last time you got a present with handles?! I’ll bet never! NEVER! This present had handles. HANDLES!

Sadly, it was destroyed by Brandon in a callous – some might even say selfish – frenzied grab for the gift inside. It really brought the party down I tell you. Sad, sad, sad. And take another look at that picture of the birthday boy opening his present. Look at that evil expression. He’s taking pleasure from the massacre!

Some people can’t recognize brilliance when they see it.

Goodbye Trader Joes gift wrap job that Tanya and I did. We’ll always miss you. You were a shining beacon of hope. But you flew too close to the sun and your star burned out too soon so now the world is left in the dark. Because there’s no more beacon of hope, which was you…a beacon. You’re wrapping DVD sets with the angels now. Your footprints are angels on the sand…footprints…


Oh, the grief….

Fun Fact: The Christmas album is almost finished. It should be done in less than a month! Then I can actually get a life! Yeah! But be aware that this is just an estimate...

They could just be really, really early for Christmas 2005?!

Friday, November 05, 2004

Sick Day

No, it’s not the flu, damnit. I’m just not feeling very well today. These are the days that I lament my lack of health insurance. But then I realize that even if I did have health insurance, my overwhelming fear of doctors would keep me from taking action anyway. I’m never sick enough to go to the hospital.

And neither should you be. Never get that sick. Ever. I’m warning you! Why I aughtta…

Needless to say, this blog post will be another quick one today. There’s really nothing to talk about anyway. So I’m just going to sit here incessantly sniffling while I listen to Lambert, Hendricks and Ross and write the most mediocre movie synopses you’ve ever read. (Not counting the ones at IMDB)

The new TAM Cartoon is up, that’s something, right? Sure it is. Just read it over and over again until you feel like you got your money’s worth today.

But really, how can “that big online DVD rental place” expect me to write good synopses when I’m sick? Especially when I’m writing synopses for inane DVDs. Here’s a good example of what a dumb DVD and sickness give birth to: (especially without the benefit of editors)

Swing Craze

Swing music has made an enormous resurgence and with it came a rediscovery of swing dancing. In this exciting DVD, professional dancers take you step-by-step through the fast and furious moves and introduce you to the cool lingo, the culture and the history of swing. Vintage clips and modern demonstrations offer easy-to-follow instruction that give even the most novice beginner a chance to cut a rug with the best of the zoot-suited hep cats.

Wasn’t that fantastic? I know, you’re asking yourselves, “they pay this moron for crap like that?!”

Hold that thought while you enjoy these gems:

Killer from Above

A mysterious fighter is stalking the country, systematically annihilating the great martial artists. In order to save their own skins, a motley group of kung fu masters must stand against the unstoppable killing force. Their only hope for survival is to come up with a new fighting technique – a technique deadly enough to stop the dogged predator. Carter Wong and kung fu legend Lo Leigh star in this martial arts extravaganza from director Lo Chie.

The Last Duel

After a bitter defeat by his nemesis, a legendary martial arts master recuperates at the strange Phantom Heights Resort. But as he convalesces, he learns that his mysterious masked host has concocted a brutal plot to destroy all martial artists and seize power. The master’s only hope to save his people is to team up with his arch foe against a relentless killing force in this kung fu opus from Lin Yuen starring Hwai Zi-Yuen and Hsu Feng.

The Chinese are nothing if not consistent. But they make my sinuses hurt. Hey, Hong Kong filmmakers, here’s a great idea: a young martial arts student witnesses the death of his master at the hands of a mysterious and deadly foe. Then he vows revenge. But before he can beat the mysterious master, he must first train like hell and defeat a small army of mindless thugs, all the while fighting through a deadly labyrinth of evil! What a unique idea!

Or, I suppose that you could have a loose-cannon cop out for revenge against the entire triad while protecting a loveable young child? That would be killer!

Well, would you look at that, I’ve managed to fill some space as well as educate you on the fine films available for rent online. But when you’re filling out you queue, don’t forget this masterpiece:

Dudley Do-Right

Relentlessly upright Mountie Dudley-Do-Right (Brendan Fraser) keeps the peace in the small town of Semi-Happy Falls. But perpetual baddie Snidely Whiplash (Alfred Molina) has concocted a plot to take over the town and usurp its semi-happiness. With a little pluck and loads of luck Dudley will do his best to protect the citizens and win the heart of horse-loving Nell (Sarah Jessica Parker) in this fun family adaptation of the classic cartoon.

Horse-loving Nell. That’s just great writing there.

Oh, and to answer your question, yes, they do pay me for crap like that.

Fun Fact: I watched Primetime Live last night. Dianne Sawyer was spending the night in a women’s prison.

It wasn’t nearly as erotic as I had anticipated.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Now What?

Georgie’s campaign of terror has succeeded; it looks like we’re in for 4 more years of bullying, secrets and lies.


But I’m not all that clear on a couple of things, are we in the middle of a war? Should we change horses mid-stream?

Shut up already, you freaking morons!

What a bunch of asses. I can’t tell if I’m disappointed because I can’t monetarily afford to have a president like Bush or if I’m worried about having my civil rights locked in some church basement next to the bingo regalia.

Maybe I’m really sad because half of this country either fell for the oldest trick in the book or are blatant opportunists. On the news just now, they said that more married women voted for Bush as well as people who felt “morality” was the big issue. How was Senator Kerry immoral?

Why don’t people tell it like it is? Just be honest, tell us that when you say “morality” what you’re really talking about is forcing your “morality” on other people. Even the media avoids that. Why? Be honest. We need more of that in this country. I remember when we used to demand it. But then came 9/11 and the truth became something that could only “arm the terrorists.” We’re afraid to ask. We’ll seem unpatriotic. We’re afraid to criticize. We’ll seem unpatriotic. We’re afraid to question the candidates about their true motives. We’ll seem unpatriotic.


But now we’re in it. And Bush himself said that the first 4 years were basically just a warm-up. Fantastic. I can’t wait to see all the good things he does.

Goodbye Roe v Wade, See ya’ civil liberties (hello stronger “Patriot Act!”), We’ll miss you Social Security, don’t forget to write health care (I feel like I never even knew you), have a good trip middle class tax relief, buh-bye jobs (have a good time over there, wherever you are), keep it real education, stay cool international respect…

But it’s not all tearful goodbyes. Say hello to bigger corporate power, welcome prayer in school (at least in run down falling apart schools with inadequate resources) and constitutionally dictated “morality” – you look bigger in person international fear.

And all of us middle class people will enjoy the slow slip into poverty. I loved slides when I was a kid (back when they were made out of metal instead of that plastic that builds a static charge big enough to power an aircraft carrier). I don’t know about you, but three classes always seemed a bit much to me anyway. Rich and poor, that’s all we need. Lords and peasants. It’s romantic!

Obviously, I’m very upset about this. Some people treat it like a game. Us against them. “Ha ha ha funny, we win, you liberal hippies...” It’s not funny. This could potentially be devastating. I may be exaggerating because I’m still mad, but I’ve predicted that another Dark Ages was on the way. I just didn’t expect it this soon. Every little while or so we have a dark ages. People get sick of the way the world is getting so they turn to God. But then God starts getting way too repressive so they turn back to humanity. But then idiots start waving their genitals around too much and it’s right back to God again. Then the cycle continues.

We’re obviously at the God part. That (and a great dose of terror) is the only reason that Bush is back in the White House. What the hell did Kerry have to do to win? Pull Bush from a burning building? Even then, the churchies would point out how righteous Bush was for letting Kerry rescue him.

How badly does Bush have to screw up before people stop buying his bullshit? What does he have to do, slaughter babies on national TV or something…oh, wait…did it (by proxy).

I don’t understand Christians and Republicans. I guess if I did, I might be one. I’m not. Thank God.

Looks like guns, God and greed won out this time. I don’t believe that there was too much scandal in the voting process this year. I’m mortified, but I think all those Americans actually voted for Bush.

I also think that soon, they’ll be sorry they did.

Fun Fact: There are only 1,460 days left of this pathetic administration. Let’s just hope we’re not all broke by then.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004


That’s right, it’s Election Day, don’t think that just because it’s all over every media outlet in the US that I’m going to let you all off the hook. I don’t have anything else to blog about.

I just hope that the right man wins. That right man is John Kerry by the way. I was going to try and spare you all my personal political beliefs, but I can’t help myself. Like Leo DiCaprio. Only hopefully less annoying.

I just don’t understand how anyone could put Bush back into the White House. Most people claim that they’re thinking about national security. See, this is the diabolical genius of the Republicans; they’ve got half of the country convinced that the United States will somehow sink into the sea if Kerry is elected president.

How did they do this? How is the question even being raised? Because Bush led us through the terrorist attacks of September 11th? What else was he going to do? Nothing? (I suppose he could have, but then we wouldn’t be talking about his possible reelection now.)

To all of you Bush supporters out there: what did Bush do exactly to help us through the attacks? Reassure us? Become the counselor to the nation?

“He went after the terrorists!”


What he did was attack Iraq, granted a terrorist sympathizer, to send a message to other terrorists that the US would not tolerate terrorist sympathizers. So we attacked the people who didn’t attack us in order to get our point across. Sounds familiar to me.

And then Bush and his puppeteers tell the country that if we don’t reelect him, we’ll all be killed by terrorists. Odd.

Odd, because it just may work. Odd and sad.

I’m not like a lot of Democrats out there; I actually believe that Kerry will make a good president. To me, he’s not just the lesser of two evils. I believe in him more than I did in Gore. I like to have my leaders show a little humanity.

Sure Kerry’s rich. What do you expect? A poor man has absolutely no chance of ever being elected president.

People also call Kerry an opportunistic flip-flopper. That’s asinine. Things change. Opinions change. People change. I used to hate chocolate. I like chocolate now. I don’t see it as a character flaw. I believed in and supported the Iraq war also. I don’t now. Not because it’s popular. It seemed like a good idea at the time. We were wrong.

Believe it or not, there are actually social issues involved in this election. Really important ones. The stupid Iraq war and “national security” are overshadowing them. But it’s painfully obvious that Supreme Court Justices William Rehnquist and John Stevens aren’t going to last forever. It’s like the “Pelican Brief” only Staley Tucci’s character is replaced by extreme old age.

It’s a funny thing about the Republicans, they say that they’re for smaller government. Less governmental control over people. But that’s only when money’s concerned. I don’t understand how the Republicans and Democrats can be so different fiscally and domestically. Democrats want to “help” you spend your money, but they would never tell you how to govern your spiritual life. Republicans are the exact opposite.

Republicans treat environmental groups as special interests but the Christian church as the benevolent protectors of society.

I suppose that when it comes down to choosing whether or not to vote Republican or Democrat you have to boil it down to one thing: are you more concerned with protecting your rights and the rights of others or are you more interested in protecting your wallet and moral supremacy?

I doubt that I’ll ever make enough money to make me vote Republican, but if you do, good for you, vote for Bush. And hey maybe someday as I’m mucking out you stables I can call you “Lord” or “Lady” something-or-other? Wouldn’t that be cool?!

Oh, just one more thing. I have another question for you not-wealthy Bush voters. As you sit in your humble home, wondering if that pain in your chest is heart trouble and not knowing if you’ll ever be able to have it checked by a doctor, what makes you vote the way you do? Is it that Bush is a charismatic “leader?” Is the extra $50 a year in tax relief worth it to you not to have health care? When you were paying into Social Security, did you shrug and think of it as some kind of huge slot machine? Or do you just feel safer with him in office? And if so, is it because Bush did such a bang-up job protecting us the first time? Or are you thinking WWJD?

I’m just trying to understand.

Man this is annoying. I’ve become what I hate…Leonardo DiCaprio!

Fun Fact: The apolitical TAM Cartoon is up! Yeah, no more preaching! Unless we lose the election, and then only if you count incessant naggy bitching as preaching.


Oh, and the Electoral College should be protected. How’s that for last minute controversy?

Monday, November 01, 2004

It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

“Candy Binge 2004” was ill conceived.

Not that it wasn’t a lot of fun, but I spent most of yesterday not feeling very well. I’m a little better today, there are still some lingering effects, but at least I’ll get a lot of reading done.

It was a nice quiet weekend for the most part. No Halloween parties, no Trick-or-Treaters. Got quite a bit of movie-watching in, but other than that, not much happened. Actually, almost the entire weekend was spent watching movies. Tanya, Vince, Julie and I went to see “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow” on Friday. It was a horrible movie. I don’t say things like that lightly, especially about “Genre” films. No one enjoys a good homage more than me, but Gwynith Paltrow made me sicker than my consumption of the lethal combination of Reeses peanut butter cups and Laffy Taffy.

I even got to see myself on the big screen this weekend. On Saturday, we went to the Century City Film Festival. Oddly enough, my short was in the “Mothers and Daughters” category. The short has nothing to do with Mothers or daughters.

But I should have expected some confusion when I learned that the “Century City Film Festival” was to be held in Hollywood.

As a wannabe filmmaker, I’m always surprised to see what actually gets into these festivals. Some of the shorts were good. Some were downright terrible. And thanks to more confusion on the part of the CCFF, we all got to watch the worst one twice!

We weren’t invited to the Awards Ceremony. Hopefully our short, “As Planned” by Adam Hodge, won something. I can tell you though; it was in no danger of ever winning best lead male actor. I was awful. I don’t say things like that lightly. No one enjoys me more than me…sicker than Reeses peanut butter cups and Laffy Taffy.

Blah, blah, blah…I’m still fuzzy from the sugar and lack of exercise. I have to go and hide the candy. I know it seems absurd that I’m going to go hide the candy from myself, but I know it’ll work; I do the same thing with my cell phone every day.

Imagine how well I’ll hide it when I’m doing it on purpose!

In conclusion, Sky Captain was horrible, neither Gwynith Paltrow or myself can act, “As Planned” was good, CCFF was confusing, Van Helsing and Jersey Girl weren’t near as bad as everyone said they were, Laffy Taffy and RPBCs don’t mix well, I make a mean artichoke spinach dip, candy binges and Monday morning blog posts are both bad ideas and I’ve got some reading to do.

Fun Fact There is a certain big movie studio (who shall remain nameless) that did something nice for its employees on Friday. They were kind enough to reward their people for their “best year ever” with a generous gift of a (nice) DVD player and DVDs of every film they made in the past year.

It’s a great thing even if we did end up with copies of Garfield, The Day After Tomorrow and Phone Booth. Plus now evidentially we have to buy another TV. Where were you 3 months ago!

Sorry, I’m gift horse mouth looking, thank you for doubling our DVD collection.