Tuesday, December 26, 2006

My Dog Has Fleas

Merry Day After Christmas! I hope you got everything you wanted, world peace and all that. I’m sure that’s what you asked for. World peace.

I got a ukulele. Tanya gave it to me. I got some other great stuff too. But let’s just concentrate on the Ukulele.

It rocks way more than world stupid peace.

I set it next to a quarter since that’s what you’re supposed to do whenever you take a picture of something small.

Hopefully, once I figure out to play the thing, I’ll have a full album of Uke tunes that’ll top the charts for the next decade. I promise that I won’t play “Over the Rainbow.”

Fun Fact: Evidently people have been playing Ukulele for quite a while now. 20 years or more!

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Joe Pass, Ladies and Gentlemen

I wasn't going to post today, but I came across this video on YouTube. Thought I would throw it up here.

With all the sadness lateley over the deaths of Joe Barbara and Peter Boyle, I thought that it would be nice to lighten the mood with some of the greatest jazz guitar ever played.

Okay, that's a flimsy excuse. Just watch the video. Especially if you've ever wondered what your tax accountant would look like playing a mean guitar.

Fun Fact: I taught Joe Pass everything he knew.

Monday, December 18, 2006

What’s a Bimb to Do?

Sure, while your doing you shopping, your man-boyfriend is probably either playing x-box or screwing the neighbor or screwing the neighbor while playing x-box, but that’s no reason not to give him the perfect Christmas present. It didn’t stop you last year. Or the year before that. But this year is different. Not only will he finally change and become the most perfectest BF evar, you will have found a gift so pure that he’ll even mention it to his buddies the next time they go to Hooters. And, hell, who knows, maybe he’ll even pretend to go to hooters for the wings, just once.

BOD Man “Really Ripped Abs.” Ripped abs in bottle form! Of course they don’t really mean that the bottle contains really ripped abs, that’s just the name of the fragrance. Duh.

What does it smell like? Does it really matter right now? You’ll know soon enough. The delicate applicator dispenses fragrance pints at a time. And it’s easy to use! If your man has ever used a Windex bottle, he can use this. Granted, if your guy needs to apply cologne in this fashion, chances are that he’s never been too close to anything that aids in the cleansing process. His windows are probably smeared with fingerprints and processed cheese of some kind. But that’s okay. It’s easy to teach a man to use a spray bottle. It’s a hell of a lot easier than getting him to stop calling breasts “knockers.” Oh, you know what I’m talking about, ladies.

Men are pigs. But they don’t have to smell like them anymore! Thanks to BOD Men’s line of easy to overuse fragrances. Men can even turn the applicator tip to “stream” for more precise aim in those “hard to reach” areas.

“But will gallons of cologne still smell as strong at the end of the day?” you ask. It used to be that you were never really sure. Before, you would have to go out to dinner or to a movie and count how many people went into sneezing fits, but those days are gone! BOD Man Really Ripped Abs promises that it’s “a fragrance with the staying power of a man.”

Oh, no, don’t worry; they said “a man.” Not, “your man.”

And don’t forget, the spray bottle makes applying fragrance fun! Your guy will think he’s died and gone back to the second grade! Finally, a cologne delivery system designed for the modern, spring-breaking, gold chain-wearing, tattoo-sporting, Emo-hating, average American dude.

Fun Fact: BOD comes in other scents as well! With such variety, there’s something for everyone! Every type of dude can enjoy BOD! There’s BOD Black, it’s “Smooth, potent and smokin’ hot. So beyond what you “or she” has ever smelled before.” There’s “Player,” “X,” “Fresh Guy” (No, it doesn’t smell like a newborn male baby…as far as I know), “Tekno,” “Rock Hard” and more! Every type of man is represented, from the ecstasy-popping young doctor who enjoys a good rave to the ecstasy-popping surfer guy who enjoys a good rave. Everyone!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I Could’ve Done Without for Another Year

“A Year Without a Santa Claus.”

They remade a Rankin/Bass Christmas Classic. It sucked. Why did it suck so bad? If you had watched it last night, you already know the answer.

1. Santa’s (John Goodman, yes, the same John Goodman that played Santa in that horrible “Frosty Returns” a few years ago, you would think he’d learned his lesson) beard looked as though it was culled from the miscellaneous batting bin at a Michael’s Arts and Crafts Store.

2. Heat Miser and Snow Miser were great casting choices. Who can hate Harvey Fierstein and Micheal McKean? The Miser’s songs are the best numbers in the original show. But something went horribly wrong here. Their songs were mashed together in a cacophony of crap! And what ever happened to the Miser’s minions? In the original, the minions are creepy duplicates of the Miser’s themselves. But in the NBC version, they’ve been replaced by tragically untalented, scantily clad, chubby dancing girls that I can only assume were pulled right off the stage of some “off the strip” Vegas act.

3. When did it become vogue to add that stupid “Desperate Housewives/Ugly Betty” music under every scene? Do we really need the constant barrage of oboe and English horn? If you need music to distract from the script, then perhaps it’s time to think about re-writes?

4. This one is the most heinous. This last point is the reason that I absolutely couldn’t stand NBC’s remake of “A Year Without a Santa Claus:”

Doctor Fucking Laura.

Dr. Laura is who inspired Jingle and Jangle’s plan to save Christmas? Dr. Laura?! Were all of the good psychologists taken? My god, NBC, what have you done?

Seriously though, forget the script. Forget the fact that NBC tried to stretch this already flimsy premise into a “two-hour event.” Forget all that. I’ll tell you why these “instant holiday classics for the entire family” always suck. They’re crammed packed with guest “stars.” Sure, not many people are beating down Harvey Fierstein’s door these days, but the dude still has a schedule to consider. As does every other “name” in the movie. When you have that many schedules to consider there’s no way you can make a quality project in a short amount of time.

Okay Networks, stop making shitty Christmas specials. Stop trying to slap together some piecemeal hunk of tripe and pass it off as a classic. Stop making TV shows like you make fruit cake. Sure candied fruit is tasty, but when it’s surrounded by nuts and some kind of horrible rock-like substance it becomes inedible.

I’m mad at NBC. I’m mad at the entire corporation. I almost spit my pancakes at Matt Lauer this morning. It’s not Matt’s fault. But he’s guilty by association. It a good thing that I’m too cheap to by GE light bulbs because things would have gotten a lot darker around here.

I remember when people made Christmas specials because they wanted to.

Okay, I didn’t watch the entire special. Who puts a “family” special on at 9? If you happened to see the whole thing, did it ever get better?

Fun Fact: Apart from “a new holiday classic from NBC” there are two words on television that drive me to madness. The most annoying words ever uttered on the small screen.

Tyra Mail.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Poster Boy

Lately, I’ve supposed to have been writing on Life From the Inside (that’s the latest “project” if you’re not hip). As you can tell from the sentence above, lately writing hasn’t been one of my strong suits. So what have I been doing to while away my time and yet keep up the appearance of productivity? Marketing.

Not marketing per se, but the idea of marketing. Or, I should say, marketing ideas. I warned you about the writing. We had a publicity photo shoot before Thanksgiving. Now, we have yet to pick our official publicity photos, and the photos have yet to be completely finished, but in the interest of the “greater good” I went ahead and threw together a quick publicity poster.

So, here it is, the highly unofficial first one sheet for “Life From the Inside.”

Go ahead and ignore that web address for now. Oh, sure, you can go there but you won’t see anything exciting. Not yet. Just wait a little while. I’ll give you the first scoop when the web site is up and running. You’ll be the first. Even before we begin our “official” marketing push. In fact, I’m only putting this poster up here because my readership has dropped so significantly. I figure the ones who are left should be privy to “in the know” info.

Aren’t you special.

Fun Fact: On TV this morning, before the Baker Study Group thing, they were talking about Paris Hilton. I was terrified to learn that Paris Hilton wants to have four children before she turns 30. But as if that wasn’t scary enough, I was reminded of something even more horrifying and completely bone chilling – Paris Hilton is only 25 years old! I guess I knew that, but she’s been in the damned news so long that I forgot just how young she actually was. You know, you figure that if someone has dominated the entertainment gossip for the last 6 years they have to have been around for a while. But then you remember that you can create all sorts of celebrity gossip at a young age if you don’t trouble yourself with college.

Then the idea of Paris not going to college made me wonder just what the hell does she have to offer her future children anyway? A thirst for knowledge? A respect for the human condition? How far can four kids go in the world with nothing but a rudimentary knowledge of small dogs and what’s “hot?” Unfortunately, if you couple that with Paris’ wealth the answer presents itself.

But there was something far more troubling to me than Paris’ desire to procreate. If she’s only 25, that means that we have to put up with her for another 55 to 60 years! Unless, of course, she happens to become the victim of some tragic accident.

Maybe Paris should take up skydiving?

Friday, December 01, 2006

It’s December! Is it Okay Now?!

Alright, it’s officially December. Is it now okay to listen to Christmas Music? Huh, holiday Nazis?! Am I a freak for wanting to listen to festive music now?!

Am I a freak for wanting to listen to Christmas music in July?

Yeah, okay, I’ll give you that one. I just really like Christmas music. I don’t know why. So I’m glad that it’s finally December so that when I’m walking around a retailer, jamming out to Bing Crosby’s White Christmas on the store sound system I don’t have to listen to the person next to me snidely grumble “Christmas Music already?! Oh my god, it’s only (October/November)! It’s not even (Halloween/Thanksgiving) yet! My oh my what has become of the holiday season!?”

What’s all this rancor about celebrating the holiday season early? So what? Who cares? There’s no need to be insulted by it. It shouldn’t be threatening. It’s fun. And isn’t that what becoming an adult is all about? Eating candy for dinner? Staying up as long as you want? Beginning Christmas festivities in September?

If that’s not what growing up is about, then I don’t want to be 33 anymore.

I don’t want to be 33 anymore anyway, but you get the idea. 23 would be nice. Maybe I’ll ask Santa for that.

By the way, you’re more likely to get what you want from Santa if you start pestering him in July. Persistence is key.

Fun Fact: If human beings inherently viewed the world sideways, TVs would be taller than they are wide.

Also, in case you’re bored on this fine Friday, here’s a link for you. It’s to an Internet sitcom called “The Burg.” (www.theburg.tv) I’ve looked at quite a few independent Internet sitcoms lately and I have to say that this one is my favorite so far (a lot of them are…well…I’ll be polite). They have 8 episodes and some shorts. They’ve been pretty prolific. I’ve got to hand it to them.

But I hear that there is a new Internet sitcom coming in January or so that will totally kick ass! Man, I can’t wait!