Tuesday, January 23, 2007

It Might As Well Be a Flying Car

Every couple of years we get a sneak peak of the same old future…today!

Usually its’ some kind of household gadget; An oven that can make a 6-course meal out of nothing but stale oatmeal, some chives and a couple of 10-year-old Twinkies, a refrigerator that will do all your shopping, a lamp that will read bedtime stories to your children before tucking them in and turning itself off for the night.

Okay, I made that last one up. But you get the idea.

Eventually technology that had been promised will turn up in a “practical” consumer form. We do actually have cars that parallel park themselves. How long has that tech been in the works? I first heard about cars that would be able to park themselves when I was a kid. Granted, the fantasy cars of my youth could also fly, float and could combine with a half dozen other cars to form one huge super-robot. But the point is that the self-parking technology has finally been applied.

The morning news today decided to dust off another high-tech chestnut. The shopping cart computer. A computer that will direct you to any item in the supermarket and tell you if it’s on sale, in stock or, presumably, expired.

This particular tech gadget always leaves me a little puzzled. Why do the gadget geeks dangle this carrot in front of my nose every couple years? Am I ever going to see one? Probably not for another couple of years, and then only on TV.

It’s just not practical.

I don’t know what kind of Shangri-La the inventors of this gizmo live in, but a trip to my local Albertson’s would put this idea to rest once and for all. There’s no way in hell that any supermarket in my neighborhood would ever invest one of these, much less an entire fleet.

The sad state of the regular, non-computerized shopping carts is testament to that.

My supermarket can’t seem to give me a shopping cart that doesn’t inexplicably lurch to the right every fifth step. I’m lucky if I get all four wheels. And someone, somewhere thinks that my supermarket is going to hand me a computer?

Don’t get me wrong; I would love to see these at my grocery store. It’s just never going to happen. Apathetic jerks are halting progress.

Though I would kind of get a kick out of watching homeless people collect cans and surf the Internet at the same time.

So, stop teasing me with the computerized shopping carts already. Why doesn’t someone invent something useful? Like the solid gold rental car or the posh felted Greyhound Bus Seat or the fingertip friendly crosswalk button? You know, things that people are willing to take care of.

Fun Fact: For the computerized shopping cart to be really useful, it would have to synched up with small transmitters planted in each and every item the supermarket has on the shelves.

That way when I’m looking for Dry Roasted Peanuts (not the unsalted or honey roasted kind) it could tell me:

“Dry/Roasted/Peanuts…there are…one (1)…jars in stock. Isle one, bottom shelf, behind the easy cheese at the back of the shelf next to an errant jar of olives left there two years ago…item expired.”

That would save me some time.

Friday, January 19, 2007

What, no Red Carpet?

It’s finally here, the premier of Katr Pictures new internet sitcom “Life From The Inside!”

Aren’t you excited? You should be damnit. Get excited. Get pumped. Do whatever you need to do to prepare yourself for the glory of the sitcom.

Am I talking it up too much? Perhaps.

We split it into three parts for easier viewing. It’s not really supposed to be in three parts, but since YouTube has a 10 minute limit for “non-directors” and since the Internet has a notoriously short attention span, this is the way we did it.

Here you go!

Episode 1*

*do not attempt

Episode 2*

*store in a cool dry place

Let me know what you think.

Fun Fact: This sitcom has an insanely low budget. But that’s what friends are for.

Episode 3 begins shooting on the 4th of next month. Tentatively titled “*no substitutions.”

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Where’s My Golden Globe?!

There were many winners – and about 5-times-as-many losers – at the Golden Globes last night. Congrats to Hugh, Forest, Jennifer, Kyra, America, Sacha, Clint, Marty, Jack Nicholson’s determined-looking daughter et al.

But there was one new show that was tragically overlooked at the star-studded gala. The new hit Internet sitcom “Life From the Inside” was nowhere to be seen.

Perhaps it was because it didn’t have a very wide opening. Perhaps it’s because it hasn’t officially “opened” anywhere yet. But the website is almost live. Doesn’t that count for anything anymore? And I have a small portion of the show posted on YouTube. Sure, the tiny bit of the show that I have on YouTube can’t be viewed by the public, but that’s no excuse! We had our official screening party on Saturday! There were at least 13 people there! We served mini quiches!

Shame on you, Golden Globes.

So, in spite of the Golden Globes’ obviously politically motivated snub, I have decided to submit “Life From the Inside” for another – more prestigious – award…

The TAMmy®.

It’s a special award given by the administrator of this blog.

For your consideration:

Here is a preview of the website:

And here is a random clip of the pilot episode. It may seem a bit strange, but you have to remember that there was a method to my madness. I was trying to see what the show would look like using different compression. This was the best. And since I was also testing the sound quality with this particular clip, I used the opening slate.

But you can gleen enough about the episode I think. Like that the title of the show is “Life From the Inside.” That the episode title is “*do not attempt.” And that I have the first credit (the most important).

Enjoy this tiny preview of the pilot episode of “Life From the Inside.” Make note of the awe-inspiring dialogue. Never before has the line “Thank you! Alright…” been uttered with more power.

Fun Fact: Kathy and David took Tanya and I on a life-threatening hike yesterday. Tanya twisted her ankle.

I learned that the drugstore carries a surprisingly diverse assortment of ace bandages. I’ve decided that it’s a carefully executed plan to help dull the pain of your injury. If a wounded person stares at all of the options offered, eventually their brain will numb from the sheer amount of alternatives.

Go to Chez Sarcastica and kiss Tanya’s owie.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

God Told Me That Pat Robertson is a Dickhead

Why does anyone listen to Pat Robertson?

Because he’s a prophet, that’s why.

This year, as is his annual tradition, Pat Robertson made some predictions. But Pat is no Sylvia Browne, he doesn’t get his information in the forms of “visions,” nor does he have Montel Williams so far up his butt that he can taste “idiot” every time he burps. No, Pat’s prognostications come directly from the big man himself, God.

Rev. Robertson predicts that a massive terrorist attack will kill millions in 2007.

Helpful, no?

After all, his other predictions have been so accurate that it’s definitely important to have this latest – and somewhat grim – one given prime air time by all the major media outlets (this blog included).

What has Pat (God) accurately predicted in the past? Well, he predicted that President Bush would easily win reelection in 2004. And Bush did beat John Kerry. Sure, it was by the smallest margin of victory, percentage wise, for any incumbent president in our country’s history (especially in a time of war), but I don’t think that’s what Pat meant by “easy.” In the grand scheme of things, how hard is it to count votes? Let’s face it, it’s not a root canal, it’s not programming a universal remote control, it’s not reading this blog, it’s easy! Vote counting is easy. Chalk one up for Mr. Robertson.

Last year he predicted that the coast of America would be ravaged by a horrible storm, possibly a tsunami. There were some bad storms in the Pacific Northwest. Power was knocked out for a while. A few people even died. It was almost as bad as a Los Angeles August! And there were some terrible rainstorms in the Northeast. Pat already claimed a partial victory on this one, so I can’t give him credit, he already knows.

He predicted that his broadcast network, CBN, would do well in 2005. It didn’t, but that’s not God’s fault. If people would only had bought stock like Robertson (and God) had asked them to…

So it’s definitely important to report every rambling of this man of god. He’s in tune with the universe. He has a direct line to the creator.

Plus, thanks to his super energy drinks, he can leg press 2,000 pounds! Any 77 year-old man who claims to leg press a ton because he’s been drinking his own product should be taken completely seriously in matters of faith. How could you deny that he’s divinely inspired? His Age-Defying energy shake formula has made him super-human! He can leg press 2,000 pounds! How many can you press, puss?

Octogenarian viewers of CBN are out there, forking over their fixed income, buying and drinking shakes, retaining the vitality of youth and leg pressing the hell out of things! What are you doing? Doubting the veracity of Pat’s claims? Shame on you. God will punish you. Like he punished Ariel Sharon, like he’ll punish the gays and the college professors, like he’ll get that Pennsylvania town that wouldn’t accept Intelligent Design into their schools.

Don’t doubt Pat. His prayers have saved many a US city by steering hurricanes away.

So, I guess what I’m saying is look out for a horrific terrorist attack in ’07 that will kill millions of people. Keep an eye out. You just might miss it if you’re not watching closely. But it’ll come in one form or another. Sure, it might not kill millions. It might not be a terrorist attack. Neither of those things may happen. But it’ll come. You can bet on that.

I would just like to conclude by giving a big thanks to NBC and ABC for bringing this story to my attention. It was so completely informative and important that I can hardly stand it. That’s news right there! Couldn’t let this item disappear into obscurity. No! Finally, they got something right! Thanks NBC and ABC, you’re really helping humanity with this one. God bless you.

Fun Fact: Sleep is an activity that can only be enjoyed while it’s not being performed.

I hate that. I would enjoy sleep more, I’m sure, if I could appreciate it while I was doing it. Instead, I’m cursed to go through life only enjoying the idea of it, anticipating it when I’m tired, missing it when I wake up. It’s like some horrible dysfunctional relationship.

You know what? Come to think of it, I hate sleep! Screw you sleep! I don’t need you! Go to hell! Quit beleaguering me!

Sorry, sleep, I didn’t mean that. I’ll see you tonight. Maybe even today at lunch if I’m lucky.