My Dog Has Fleas

Merry Day After Christmas! I hope you got everything you wanted, world peace and all that. I’m sure that’s what you asked for. World peace.

I got a ukulele. Tanya gave it to me. I got some other great stuff too. But let’s just concentrate on the Ukulele.

It rocks way more than world stupid peace.



I set it next to a quarter since that’s what you’re supposed to do whenever you take a picture of something small.

Hopefully, once I figure out to play the thing, I’ll have a full album of Uke tunes that’ll top the charts for the next decade. I promise that I won’t play “Over the Rainbow.”


Fun Fact: Evidently people have been playing Ukulele for quite a while now. 20 years or more!

Joe Pass, Ladies and Gentlemen

I wasn't going to post today, but I came across this video on YouTube. Thought I would throw it up here.

With all the sadness lateley over the deaths of Joe Barbara and Peter Boyle, I thought that it would be nice to lighten the mood with some of the greatest jazz guitar ever played.

Okay, that's a flimsy excuse. Just watch the video. Especially if you've ever wondered what your tax accountant would look like playing a mean guitar.




Fun Fact: I taught Joe Pass everything he knew.

What’s a Bimb to Do?

Sure, while your doing you shopping, your man-boyfriend is probably either playing x-box or screwing the neighbor or screwing the neighbor while playing x-box, but that’s no reason not to give him the perfect Christmas present. It didn’t stop you last year. Or the year before that. But this year is different. Not only will he finally change and become the most perfectest BF evar, you will have found a gift so pure that he’ll even mention it to his buddies the next time they go to Hooters. And, hell, who knows, maybe he’ll even pretend to go to hooters for the wings, just once.



BOD Man “Really Ripped Abs.” Ripped abs in bottle form! Of course they don’t really mean that the bottle contains really ripped abs, that’s just the name of the fragrance. Duh.

What does it smell like? Does it really matter right now? You’ll know soon enough. The delicate applicator dispenses fragrance pints at a time. And it’s easy to use! If your man has ever used a Windex bottle, he can use this. Granted, if your guy needs to apply cologne in this fashion, chances are that he’s never been too close to anything that aids in the cleansing process. His windows are probably smeared with fingerprints and processed cheese of some kind. But that’s okay. It’s easy to teach a man to use a spray bottle. It’s a hell of a lot easier than getting him to stop calling breasts “knockers.” Oh, you know what I’m talking about, ladies.

Men are pigs. But they don’t have to smell like them anymore! Thanks to BOD Men’s line of easy to overuse fragrances. Men can even turn the applicator tip to “stream” for more precise aim in those “hard to reach” areas.

“But will gallons of cologne still smell as strong at the end of the day?” you ask. It used to be that you were never really sure. Before, you would have to go out to dinner or to a movie and count how many people went into sneezing fits, but those days are gone! BOD Man Really Ripped Abs promises that it’s “a fragrance with the staying power of a man.”

Oh, no, don’t worry; they said “a man.” Not, “your man.”

And don’t forget, the spray bottle makes applying fragrance fun! Your guy will think he’s died and gone back to the second grade! Finally, a cologne delivery system designed for the modern, spring-breaking, gold chain-wearing, tattoo-sporting, Emo-hating, average American dude.


Fun Fact: BOD comes in other scents as well! With such variety, there’s something for everyone! Every type of dude can enjoy BOD! There’s BOD Black, it’s “Smooth, potent and smokin’ hot. So beyond what you “or she” has ever smelled before.” There’s “Player,” “X,” “Fresh Guy” (No, it doesn’t smell like a newborn male baby…as far as I know), “Tekno,” “Rock Hard” and more! Every type of man is represented, from the ecstasy-popping young doctor who enjoys a good rave to the ecstasy-popping surfer guy who enjoys a good rave. Everyone!

I Could’ve Done Without for Another Year

“A Year Without a Santa Claus.”

They remade a Rankin/Bass Christmas Classic. It sucked. Why did it suck so bad? If you had watched it last night, you already know the answer.

1. Santa’s (John Goodman, yes, the same John Goodman that played Santa in that horrible “Frosty Returns” a few years ago, you would think he’d learned his lesson) beard looked as though it was culled from the miscellaneous batting bin at a Michael’s Arts and Crafts Store.

2. Heat Miser and Snow Miser were great casting choices. Who can hate Harvey Fierstein and Micheal McKean? The Miser’s songs are the best numbers in the original show. But something went horribly wrong here. Their songs were mashed together in a cacophony of crap! And what ever happened to the Miser’s minions? In the original, the minions are creepy duplicates of the Miser’s themselves. But in the NBC version, they’ve been replaced by tragically untalented, scantily clad, chubby dancing girls that I can only assume were pulled right off the stage of some “off the strip” Vegas act.

3. When did it become vogue to add that stupid “Desperate Housewives/Ugly Betty” music under every scene? Do we really need the constant barrage of oboe and English horn? If you need music to distract from the script, then perhaps it’s time to think about re-writes?

4. This one is the most heinous. This last point is the reason that I absolutely couldn’t stand NBC’s remake of “A Year Without a Santa Claus:”

Doctor Fucking Laura.

Dr. Laura is who inspired Jingle and Jangle’s plan to save Christmas? Dr. Laura?! Were all of the good psychologists taken? My god, NBC, what have you done?

Seriously though, forget the script. Forget the fact that NBC tried to stretch this already flimsy premise into a “two-hour event.” Forget all that. I’ll tell you why these “instant holiday classics for the entire family” always suck. They’re crammed packed with guest “stars.” Sure, not many people are beating down Harvey Fierstein’s door these days, but the dude still has a schedule to consider. As does every other “name” in the movie. When you have that many schedules to consider there’s no way you can make a quality project in a short amount of time.

Okay Networks, stop making shitty Christmas specials. Stop trying to slap together some piecemeal hunk of tripe and pass it off as a classic. Stop making TV shows like you make fruit cake. Sure candied fruit is tasty, but when it’s surrounded by nuts and some kind of horrible rock-like substance it becomes inedible.

I’m mad at NBC. I’m mad at the entire corporation. I almost spit my pancakes at Matt Lauer this morning. It’s not Matt’s fault. But he’s guilty by association. It a good thing that I’m too cheap to by GE light bulbs because things would have gotten a lot darker around here.

I remember when people made Christmas specials because they wanted to.

Okay, I didn’t watch the entire special. Who puts a “family” special on at 9? If you happened to see the whole thing, did it ever get better?


Fun Fact: Apart from “a new holiday classic from NBC” there are two words on television that drive me to madness. The most annoying words ever uttered on the small screen.

Tyra Mail.

Poster Boy

Lately, I’ve supposed to have been writing on Life From the Inside (that’s the latest “project” if you’re not hip). As you can tell from the sentence above, lately writing hasn’t been one of my strong suits. So what have I been doing to while away my time and yet keep up the appearance of productivity? Marketing.

Not marketing per se, but the idea of marketing. Or, I should say, marketing ideas. I warned you about the writing. We had a publicity photo shoot before Thanksgiving. Now, we have yet to pick our official publicity photos, and the photos have yet to be completely finished, but in the interest of the “greater good” I went ahead and threw together a quick publicity poster.

So, here it is, the highly unofficial first one sheet for “Life From the Inside.”



Go ahead and ignore that web address for now. Oh, sure, you can go there but you won’t see anything exciting. Not yet. Just wait a little while. I’ll give you the first scoop when the web site is up and running. You’ll be the first. Even before we begin our “official” marketing push. In fact, I’m only putting this poster up here because my readership has dropped so significantly. I figure the ones who are left should be privy to “in the know” info.

Aren’t you special.


Fun Fact: On TV this morning, before the Baker Study Group thing, they were talking about Paris Hilton. I was terrified to learn that Paris Hilton wants to have four children before she turns 30. But as if that wasn’t scary enough, I was reminded of something even more horrifying and completely bone chilling – Paris Hilton is only 25 years old! I guess I knew that, but she’s been in the damned news so long that I forgot just how young she actually was. You know, you figure that if someone has dominated the entertainment gossip for the last 6 years they have to have been around for a while. But then you remember that you can create all sorts of celebrity gossip at a young age if you don’t trouble yourself with college.

Then the idea of Paris not going to college made me wonder just what the hell does she have to offer her future children anyway? A thirst for knowledge? A respect for the human condition? How far can four kids go in the world with nothing but a rudimentary knowledge of small dogs and what’s “hot?” Unfortunately, if you couple that with Paris’ wealth the answer presents itself.

But there was something far more troubling to me than Paris’ desire to procreate. If she’s only 25, that means that we have to put up with her for another 55 to 60 years! Unless, of course, she happens to become the victim of some tragic accident.

Maybe Paris should take up skydiving?

It’s December! Is it Okay Now?!

Alright, it’s officially December. Is it now okay to listen to Christmas Music? Huh, holiday Nazis?! Am I a freak for wanting to listen to festive music now?!

Am I a freak for wanting to listen to Christmas music in July?

Yeah, okay, I’ll give you that one. I just really like Christmas music. I don’t know why. So I’m glad that it’s finally December so that when I’m walking around a retailer, jamming out to Bing Crosby’s White Christmas on the store sound system I don’t have to listen to the person next to me snidely grumble “Christmas Music already?! Oh my god, it’s only (October/November)! It’s not even (Halloween/Thanksgiving) yet! My oh my what has become of the holiday season!?”

What’s all this rancor about celebrating the holiday season early? So what? Who cares? There’s no need to be insulted by it. It shouldn’t be threatening. It’s fun. And isn’t that what becoming an adult is all about? Eating candy for dinner? Staying up as long as you want? Beginning Christmas festivities in September?

If that’s not what growing up is about, then I don’t want to be 33 anymore.

I don’t want to be 33 anymore anyway, but you get the idea. 23 would be nice. Maybe I’ll ask Santa for that.

By the way, you’re more likely to get what you want from Santa if you start pestering him in July. Persistence is key.


Fun Fact: If human beings inherently viewed the world sideways, TVs would be taller than they are wide.

Also, in case you’re bored on this fine Friday, here’s a link for you. It’s to an Internet sitcom called “The Burg.” (www.theburg.tv) I’ve looked at quite a few independent Internet sitcoms lately and I have to say that this one is my favorite so far (a lot of them are…well…I’ll be polite). They have 8 episodes and some shorts. They’ve been pretty prolific. I’ve got to hand it to them.

But I hear that there is a new Internet sitcom coming in January or so that will totally kick ass! Man, I can’t wait!

TAM Returns

Back from Washington State. The trip went well. The plane trip was remarkably uneventful. Really, there’s nothing to report. My family is doing well. Tanya’s family is doing well. We drove though E Burg to see the ol’ Alma Matter. It’s pretty much the same.

Nothing.

Oh, I caught a cold. That’s exciting isn’t it? No? Well what do you want from me?!

I wrestled a bear in Spokane. A huge Kodiak bear. Its scorching drool burned my face as I pulled him to the frozen ground with my naked hands. Our fates intertwined in one horrendous death roll. Who would triumph? One of us would eventually rise victorious. The other would be strewn about the snowy earth turning the majesty of winter into a slushy, bloody vichyssoise. The struggle lasted for what seemed to be an eternity. My muscles strained against…

None of that happened. I’m tired of pretending that it did. I was just trying to make my Thanksgiving homecoming more interesting for you. I do everything for you. It makes me sick. I’m tired of living my life for you! No, wait! Don’t go! I’m sorry. Would you like me to make you some hot cocoa? It’s no trouble, really.

Let me give you a little advice: Don’t blog when you’ve got a cold.


Fun Fact: It’s really sad that a couple of extraordinarily good looking people can’t go a for a nice dinner anymore without being savaged by bald-headed hoodlums. Are the hoodlums jealous of the handsome couple’s really cool car? I would be. Who wouldn’t want a silver 2002 Echo with no hubcaps?

My god but those people getting their car valet parked are attractive.



Check out lexreturns.com

Oh, and a special congratulations are in order for Vince and Julie! Your recent news was “engaging” to say the least. Congrats a thousand times! You should buy Tanya and I dinner to celebrate!

Again, never blog with a cold.

Updates!

Follow-ups, if you will? There have been some “breaking developments” since my last post. Are they important? No. Not really. But I’ll relate them all the same.

Toys for Tots decided to allow Val Kilmer Jesus into their fold. TfT will simply distribute the proselytizing doll to true believers, you know, it will only give the toy to children whose faith is already fully developed. That’s mighty Christian of them.

Also, there’s nothing like good old-fashioned moral outrage.

Geraldo was on the TV this morning talking about the upcoming “hypothetical” OJ interview on FOX. He thinks the interview is in bad taste. Actually, he called it “disgusting.” He doesn’t feel that it’s kosher to profit off of a killer.

Am I wrong, or is this the same man who wasted hours of my life in the 80s with that whole “Al Capone’s Vault” nonsense? I can still remember my disappointment that the vault was empty. Really. This was my first real experience with hype. And boy was I let down. Sure, I’ve resented Geraldo ever since, but that’s not why it bugs me that he’s chastising FOX (his network by the way) for their OJ thing. No my problem is that at last count Al Capone, a convicted criminal, is responsible for dozens of deaths, even committing a few himself, whereas, as far as anyone knows, OJ is only responsible for two (hypothetically). Yes, neither man was actually convicted of murder, but why does Geraldo reserve his moral outrage for OJ? Because OJ’s an asshole? Probably. But “pots and kettles” Mr. Rivera. Pots and kettles.

Bill O’Reilly is mad too and calling for a boycott of the FOX Network and their advertisers because of OJ. He claims moral outrage but I think the real issue is that Bill is afraid that some actual truth might inadvertently escape OJ’s lips. Truth is Bill O’Reilly’s kryptonite.

Let me clarify something here, I think the OJ interview is in very bad taste. I won’t watch it (I won’t have to, I’ll see clips of it all over every news show, you know, so that the news outlets can vent their own moral outrage, ratings have nothing to do with it, they’ll air the clips because they simply can’t believe that someone would actually air them, it’s a logic that would best be left un-analyzed). I hate the fact that OJ Simpson is going to be paid millions of dollars for his time. But that’s the way things work. He was never convicted in a criminal court of the murders. It’s his right to profit off of his experience if he wants to. Like it or not. No one is making anyone watch. FOX also has the right to make money off this endeavor. Let’s not try to pretend like no one ever profits off of other’s misfortune. Usually we try to mask it as “____ undercover” or “the Real Story Finally Revealed” or “the Story you Didn’t Hear” of some such nonsense. “Hypothetically” is just another entry in the lexicon of “Words to Use When Profiting off of Other People’s Misery.” Sure, it’s sick and twisted, but people are sick and twisted. Don’t think so? Have you played a video game lately?

Anyway, I just wanted to update you on the “recent” developments. “Cause that’s the kind of guy I am.


Fun Fact: Michael Richards in for a world of shit. Check out tmz.com to see his racist ranting.

I’m not quite ready to give Michael the benefit of the doubt. The video is pretty damning. But I can almost see what he was trying to do. It’s almost as if he was “hypothetically” being a racist.

Oh, Michael…


Also, from what I can surmise from Mike’s blog, congratulations are in order. So congrats Mike and Jo.

I Am Full

As of Monday, I don’t need to have any more teeth filled. One more cleaning and the marathon that is my professional oral health campaign is over. I understand that this may not be all that exciting to you, but you have to understand that I’ve been going to the UCLA dental school almost once a week for the last couple months. Things move a bit slower at the dental school. The average visit is three hours. I had 6 fillings, three cleaning and two consultations. That’s almost 33 hours of fun! You would think that I had a couple root canals or bridgework done. Nope, just some fillings and a few deep cleanings.

You can probably begin to understand why I so damned excited that I’m almost done.

Plus, I hate needles, and you haven’t lived until you’ve had a dental student adjust a needle that’s jabbing you in the jaw while being guided by a supervising instructor, “okay, now, just move the needle a little more to the left, more, can you feel the bone? No? Okay, push it in a little more, why don’t you wiggle it around a little more…you know what, why don’t you just take the needle out of the patients mouth and jam it in his eye. Aw, he won’t care…”

In case you were wondering, due to the instructional “trial and error” nature of the dental school, I’ve averaged about 6 shots per visit (not during the consultations) which puts the number of times I’ve had a thin piece of metal lodged in the general vicinity of my check at about 54.

Okay, enough of that. It’s making my skin crawl. On to a slightly less aggravating subject…

OJ Simpson is going to tell us all how he “would’ve” murdered his wife and her boyfriend “if” he had done it.

Hmm.

Personally, I thought the prosecutors did a pretty damned good job of telling us all how The Juice did it the first time. But it will be interesting to hear it from OJ’s own mouth, even if it is all “hypothetical.”

This is no joke. FOX will air a couple of “specials” with OJ to coincide with the release of his book. I’m not going to make any snide remarks about the FOX network, and not only because they put food in my gut, but because I don’t blame them. It’s a good business move. They didn’t talk OJ into telling his “story.” They’ll be able to escape all this with just as much integrity as they’ve always had, the only difference is that they’ll be a hell of a lot richer (that is until the family of Ron Goldman sue them for emotional distress).

OJ’s the one who’ll look like an opportunistic monster. But then again, we already knew that about OJ. I just can’t believe that he’s more interested in having money than looking like he’s innocent.

OJ’s always been a bit on the crazy side but was he always this insane? Or do you think that the guilt of getting away with murder pushed him over the precipice?

Ah, well…hey did I mention that I don’t need to get anymore fillings?


Fun Fact: Toys for tots recently refused to accept the donation of a toy company who makes a talking Jesus doll. The doll quotes scripture and the people at Toys for Tots were concerned that the doll might end up in a non-Christian household and thus be a problem.

What TfT didn’t realize is that’s exactly what the Beverly Hills Teddy Bear Co. was hoping for. The only thing that could be better for the toy company than converting unwitting poor kids would have been if Toys for Tots rejected the donation and the story made national news thus providing free advertisement and an opportunity for moral outrage that would spur sales of their otherwise obscure product…oh.

In case you are looking for a talking Jesus doll, here’s a picture.



And if you don’t like Jesus, you can buy the doll anyway, put dirty clothes on it, soak it in gin and tar heroin and call it the “Val Kilmer as Jim Morrison in The Doors” doll. Pull his string for delicious irony.

Y?!

First of all, let me say that I’m very excited about the results of the election. I’m happy that the overwhelming majority finally realized that Bush and his cronies are a bunch of idiots. Now it’s the Democrats turn to show just what morons they can be! Go Dems!

Also, the proposed cigarette tax in California failed. The proposition would have increased the cost of a pack of smokes by over $2. A ridiculously unfair tax levied on a small number of taxpayers. Yes, okay, I understand that smoking is bad (I smoke…and I’m trying to quit…there, I said it. I’m trying to quit. Happy now?!), and I approve of encouraging others to quit, or better yet, not to start smoking in the first place. But the cigarette tax as a way to make people quit smoking seemed like a plan similar to the president’s plan to “democratize” Iraq. But the proposition wasn’t greeted as a liberator and cigarettes remain “affordable” at only a little over $4 a pack. Thank goodness.

Okay, this sort of leads me to my point today. As we all know, cigarettes are the root of all of America’s problems. I mean if we didn’t have second hand smoke there would virtually be no more death! The trains would run on time. Brittany Spears could have worked things out with K-Fed. There would be no more drunk drivers, drug deals gone bad, kidnappings, rape, mental illness, air pollution, asthma (as we know, the smog in LA is made up almost entirely of cigarette smoke) and the price of a barrel of crude wouldn’t hold the country hostage anymore.

The city of Santa Monica has taken this to heart, they’ve pass an ordinance to ban smoking on their beaches, at their public areas, restaurant patios, bus stops, movie theatre lines and the Third Street Promenade (which means that since I won’t be able to advertise that I’m a smoker by…well…smoking, questionable people will no longer harass me for smokes, they’ll have to settle for loose change).

Good for Santa Monica, right? I mean, they’ve really taken the public’s health and made it a priority.

Well, on Tuesday voters overwhelmingly approved Measure Y which establishes that crimes involving the adult, personal use of marijuana are the lowest law-enforcement priority for the Santa Monica Police Department.

Yep, it’s now more illegal to smoke cigarettes on Santa Monica streets than it is to smoke pot.

No, no, I can see the logic here. It’s not like marijuana is a hard core drug. I get that. People don’t smoke pot and go crazy. It’s not like Reefer Madness out there. Marijuana is a pretty harmless narcotic (especially if you already have a relatively low amount of brain activity). I mean the only aspect of pot smoking that could be harmful is the smoke. But it’s only a plant. No one has ever been harmed by inhaling the smoke produced by burning a plant right? Besides, the smoke produced by burning a joint or lighting a pipe isn’t really smoke at all. It’s pot smoke. It comes with a really cool mellow buzz.

Here’s the key to making pot smoking safer than cigarette smoking: Hold the smoke in your lungs as long as is humanly possible.

…Santa Monica…

Fucking morons.


Fun Fact: Okay, I’m going to say something kind of embarrassing here, but it’s a fact so I thought I’d share it.

As you know, Kirstie Alley wore a “bikini” on Oprah…

…I thought she was kind of hot.

I must be getting old.

Also, I was looking on the internet to find some pictures of the Santa Monica Pier sign, I couldn’t find any good ones fast, but I remembered that I did some location scouting recently in Santa Monica, so I thought I’d throw my own picture up.

Also also, as an extra bonus, if you’ve ever wondered what it looks like under the famous Santa Monica pier…

Vote!

Go and vote today.

Oh, and while you're at the polls, maybe think about voting Democrat?

Please? For me?

I have student loans!

Picture Pages, Picture Pages, Time to Get Your Picture Pages

Your crayons and your pencils are optional.

I thought that I had a dentist appointment this morning. Turns out that I actually have one this afternoon. I should really learn to read those little cards they give you so that you can keep track of your appointments.

Anyway, I now have time to post some pictures from the episode 2 shoot of Life From the Inside. The photos were taken by our incomparable set photographer David Beall. He gave me a couple disks full of pictures yesterday, so I thought I would go ahead and post some of them here (don’t worry, the other producers said it was okay…were you really worried about that? If you were, you’re probably a publicist of some sort.)

So, without any further ado, here are David’s Pictures of the second episode of Life From the Inside. Enjoy.

Oh, and just so you know, there are a couple pictures of one of our rehearsals in here.






Tanya and Kathy directed this one. Good friend, Kevin Sage, did our camera work for the first weekend. Even better friend, me, did the camera work for the second weekend (the outdoor stuff). Kathy had the joy of running the boom for the second weekend, but what you can’t see is that on-set photographer, David, did the boom work for the first weekend (evidently David isn’t “skilled” enough to run boom and take pictures of himself doing it, and – yes – we were a bit shorthanded on this episode, but don’t let that discourage you, it’s really funny – if I do say so myself).






Man, this is a lot of pictures.










And if you ever wanted to know what it’s like to direct an episode of LFTI…




Fun Fact: Working on a project like this can be exhausting.



And showering with your clothes on is an unnatural feeling.

Root, Root, Root for the Home Team

I was watching the Presidential Press conference this morning, learning the subtle differences between benchmarks and timetables when I realized that not only was I extremely frustrated with political semantics, but I was also really, really…bored.

Yes, press conferences bore me. Especially now. Sure, every once in a while someone will stand up and ask the President a “hard” question (“hard” meaning that the President can’t answer it without looking like a complete boob). But the President doesn’t answer the hard questions. He dances around them. He changes the subject. He argues semantics, thus my education began on benchmarks and timetables.

(Okay, I do know that there’s a difference between timetables and benchmarks. I know what those differences are. I understand what the President is saying when he makes the distinction, but really, who cares. Doesn’t it seem a little late in the game to finally come up with goals? Shouldn’t we have had benchmarks in place from the beginning? Am I alone in this?)

Sorry, I’m getting off topic.

As I was watching the conference on ABC, rolling my eyes and hoping that things would get interesting and informative, Jessica Yellin stood up to ask a question. I don’t remember what the question was exactly, but it wasn’t the point. Jessica Yellin is a correspondent for the ABC network.

I don’t know why, but I always get a little excited when I’m watching a press conference and a correspondent from the network that I’m watching the conference on gets up to ask a question. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel like one of the “home” guys is making a score. The networks don’t have any control over who the President calls on for questions. Theoretically, the entire press conference could be broadcast on ABC without the local kids getting to ask anything. So, when it happens, it must be a big deal.

I imagine the newsroom getting very excited when one of their own gets the mic and stands up in front of the Pres. And for some reason, that makes me happy. “Roll Jessica’s Graphic! Roll Graphic!” they shout. There’s a buzz. And then, after the impressive screen-bottom graphic (better than the ones they use for “the other guys”) a satisfied silence at a job well done.

I spent the rest of the press conference hoping that another correspondent from ABC would be called on. I don’t know if they’re allowed more than one. But I had high hopes. It made the press conference much more interesting to me. It was like a sporting event.

Does this make me super-lame?

Probably. But try it some time. It could be a fun early-morning reason to have a celebratory beer.

Drink responsibly.


Fun Fact: The workers left their radio on next door when they went home. It was blasting out Mexican Easy Listening all evening. Someone was forced to break in and turn it off so that they could get a decent night’s sleep. Someone had to trespass, Indiana Jones style, to find that damned radio, hidden on the second floor of one of the unfinished condos, and try turn the freaking thing off without stting loose a giant boulder. Someone ended up just unplugging it because they couldn’t find the power button. Someone took the opportunity to explore a little. Someone thinks that the condos will be pretty cool, but not as large as they had envisioned.

Someone also thinks that the construction site’s scaffolding that surrounds the building is pretty damned rickety. The construction company is lucky that someone didn’t fall.

Someone would have been pissed.

Captured

Okay, in lieu of anything interesting to say today, I’ve decided to post some screen captures from “the project.” Yeah! Isn’t this fun! I would have posted nice and clean-looking pictures taken by our on-set photographer (yes, we actually have one), but the pictures are still “in the lab” (i.e. on his computer waiting to be tweaked). So, screen captures are what you get. Stop complaining.

As you know, “the project” will hit the Internet in January (or at least that’s what we’re planning).











And here are some pictures from “the Project; Part Two.” We just shot the first half of “Part Two” last weekend; we’ll finish it up on Sunday. I’m looking forward to it.





Fun Fact: I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this before, but “the Project” has name. It’s actually titled “Life From the Inside.” That’s a fact.

And it’s very time consuming…

Mexican Easy Listening Isn’t So Easy to Listen To

Most easy listening is actually hard on the ears. I don’t generally listen to it so it’s not a problem. But lately, I’ve been listening to a lot of Mexican Light Hits. I listen to them most of the day.

Oh, not because I choose to. Lately, the soundtrack to my life is being provided by the workers at the construction site next door. They decided that the perfect place for their communal – and surprisingly loud – stereo is right outside my kitchen window. Of course it’s the one window that doesn’t really close all the way. A typical California slatted-glass number.

The workers have constructed a scaffolding around their building so that they can finish the outside of it which means that their work site is now about three feet closer to my kitchen. Of course, they set their stereo on the scaffolding. What good is blaring your horrible music if you can’t do it from your neighbor’s lap? If I could get my arm out the slatted window, I could just reach out and turn the stereo down myself. But I can’t. (Well…I could, but that would require removing some of the glass slats and then I’d have to clean them and the point is not to add aggravation to my life.)

Also, I can’t seem to figure out which idiot over there is the foreman. The guy I usually talk to isn’t in charge of this particular crew…

Anyway, getting back to the smooth hits of Mexico. I don’t have a lot of experience with this type of music. Mariachi music I’m familiar with. Mariachi music I like. But this stuff is in a class by itself. It’s not that different from the “American” stuff. Just as insipid. Just as uninspired. Just as horrible. Only the Mexican brand is in a fun language that I don’t understand which means that I don’t have to endure the trite lyrics that I’m sure the songs have.

But I am a little curious. See, I took French in high school (very useful) so there’s no real hope of my being able to translate any of the sounds that are blasting from my kitchen. Not that I really want to, mind you. But, like I said, I’m curious and I’m sure that I missing the nuance of just how bad this music is. I’ll pick up a word or two here and there. I know that “amor” means “love” and crap like that. But for the most part, I’m in the dark.

I’ve had to guess at the translation. Here’s what I’ve inferred:

SUAVE DJ:
Smooth hits for your construction site; you’re listening to KSMX. Smooth Mexican hits from yesterday…and today! KSMX-X-X-X-X-X-X. And don’t forget the KSMX music festival this weekend at the Palms Amphitheater. Bring a hammer! KSMX-X-X-X-X-X-X-X.

SOULFUL CROONER:
You’re my everything
My life’s reward
I learned to play guitar
Because I was bored

Now I get the ladies
But I really dig the guys
Last week I caught scabies
On my inner thighs

Please buy my records
Play them once or twice
You can annoy the neighbors
Wouldn’t that be nice

I-I-I-I-I-I-I
Love to make your ears bleed

You-u-u-u-u-u-u-u
Should learn how to read

I-I-I-I-I-I-I’m
Court ordered to say that last line

I-I-I-I-I-I-It’s
Part of my public service sentence

Do-o-o-o-o-on’t
Pay homeless men for sex in a park restroom

Trust me
Baby I love you

O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o


I hate Mexican Easy Listening.


Fun Fact: All Mexican easy listening includes the lyric “o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o.”

That’s a fact. I know. I’ve done the research.

Damn You, Bill Clinton

Damn you, Ramadan. Damn you, liberal pussies. Damn you, Democrats.

Damn you, everybody but President Bush. Why have you screwed up things so badly?

The president just wants to be flexible in his Iraq policy by not changing it one iota. He wouldn’t have to look so hypocritical if former administrations hadn’t turned everything into such a debacle. It’s been a long time since Bill Clinton was the leader of our country and it’s still his fault that things are all fucked up.

I hope the next administration can find a way to blame Bill Clinton as much as George HW Bush does. Bill deserves it for keeping us relatively safe from terrorists, nurturing a booming economy, making the United States a greener place and putting more money in the pockets of average Americans. Screw you, Bill Clinton.

That’s what you get for receiving a BJ in the Oval Office.


Fun Fact: On a much lighter note Jared and Tosha have had their first baby! Congrats to them! It’s a boy named Luca A Woods-V (I’ve abbreviated that a little to protect the kid’s identity).

I’ve already asked and, yes, the baby does live on the second floor, but unless you live in a very specific place, he probably doesn’t live upstairs from you and, no, you probably haven’t seen him before.

No word yet on whether the new baby will betray the Corleone family.

Congratulations again to Jared and Tosha, I hope to see the kid next month. I can’t believe that you two are parents! You’ll be great ones, but damn you’re making me feel old!

NOW WITH PICTURES!

Don’t Mess With My Mouth

You don’t want to, you say? Well, my friend, there are those who would. I’m not just being paranoid here because I’ve been to the dentist every Monday for the past month and I have to keep going back every week until the end of time.

I was watching the news this morning and amid the Amish funerals, stupid weddings, stories about local FOX news-teams being harassed by protesters and Republican Congressional page scandals (seriously though, the Republicans have built their entire political platform on lies, exclusion, greed and denial of civil liberties and the thing that might bring them down is a bunch of lame-ass “sexy” emails?! We care more about who knew the truth about this stupid crap than we do about who knew the truth about Iraq’s WMD program…my god, we’re all doomed) I saw something truly frightening.


That’s right, look at that image above. Look closely. It’s not a joke. The people at Oscar Meyer actually want kids to sprinkle “Sour Tongue Teasing Fizz” on their little Ritz pizzas. That “fizz” is pretty much like powdered Pop Rocks. They also want kids to put it on their mini tacos and hamburgers (not pictured…you’re welcome).

Now I could be crazy and I haven’t been a kid for a long time now so it’s hard to remember, but I don’t believe that there was ever a time when I was younger – not ever – that took a bite of a hamburger, taco or pizza and thought to myself “golly, if only this was a little more SOUR…!”

And the sad thing is that we adults looks at stuff like this and think “damn, kids will eat ANYTHING!” but the fact of the matter is that kids aren’t coming up with these products. Oscar Meyer doesn’t have a 10-year-old in charge of research and development. It’s some jerk in a suit. And he’s surrounded by other jerks in suits who sit around a table somewhere and say things like “kids like hot dogs, kids like Snickers bars, lets make an all beef hot dog with a caramel center!”

“Peanuts too?!”

“Hell yeah peanuts! Wouldn’t be a Snickers Dog without the peanuts!”

Why?

What has happened?

Are we so starved for stimulus nowadays that we have to market nauseating “food” for kicks? Aren’t Lunchables disgusting enough? I’ve actually eaten the tacos and the hamburgers. They already taste like vomit. Is sour vomit really an improvement? I don’t know. I haven’t tried the “Mess With Your Mouth” variety yet. Chances are, I won’t. Ipecac is cheaper.

And while we’re at it, let’s discuss that Air Heads “Mystery” flavored treat that’s included in the meal. Is it really a mystery? I’ve had it, it’s good. It’s not a mystery what flavor it is though.

It’s sugar.

Actually, I believe that it’s a mixture of every flavor Air Heads makes. That’s my theory anyway. But if they wanted it to really be a mystery they’d make it some inexplicable flavor.

I say make it bacon flavored!

Bacon flavored Air Heads. Why not? Kids would go crazy trying to figure it out. They would never suspect bacon…or maybe they would. They eat some crazy shit these days. But as for the Lunchables, bacon flavored taffy is the perfect end-of-the-meal compliment. I mean, what do you eat for dessert when your meal is covered in candy?

Bacon flavored taffy, that’s what.

Oscar Meyer, you’re messing with more than my mouth here. Damn you.


Fun Fact: I’ve been neglecting this blog lately because I’ve been busy working on “the Project.” We started rehearsals for the second part of it and they are great fun. I can’t wait for you to see the finished product.

Here are some new labels I’ve had to make. Think of them as a really lame “preview.” Enjoy.

A Man Possessed

That’s me. I was out until 1:00 this morning, playing with the demon spawn of hell. But why was I hanging out with Tanya, Stephen and Sue last night in the first place?

We went to the opening night of Knott’s Scary Farm (or Knott’s Halloween Haunt or whatever you want to call it). This is the second year that Tanya and I have gone to the event. Stephen has gotten us into it. He is the foremost fright-fest fan. Myself, I usually prefer to sit around at home coming up with not-so-clever alliterations.

But I had a great time at the Haunt again this year. It seemed more inspired somehow. The monsters were particularly eager (most of them anyway; bored, crazy clowns exempted).

We generally attend the “pre-scare” dinner, which gets us into the park early and allows us to stuff our guts with copious amounts of food, the likes of which I haven’t eaten since grade school (I recommend the hamburger macaroni). This greases the wheels nicely and focuses you on your distended belly, taking your mind of the masses of monsters lurking behind every corner, bush, garbage can, information kiosk…

I would write more about the whole evening, but I’m freaking tired! Plus I’m trying to work a lot of Dippin’ Dots through my lower intestines, so I need some “me” time.

If you live in Southern California and haven’t gone to the Scary Farm, go!

And thanks, Stephen, for the invite!


Fun Fact: Powdered sugar-laden funnel cakes and those picnic tables with the wire mesh tabletops don’t mix.

For the latter half of the night my jeans looked as if they had spent the evening in a nightclub restroom with Lindsay Lohan.

Tables are supposed to stop food from landing on your lap! Isn’t that why they were invented in the first place?!

Unclehood Redux Redux

I’ve gotten a few “requests” to replace the picture of the rubber baby being birthed from the rubber vagina (see previous post). Let me take care of that with some pictures of my brand new – real-life – niece.

In case you forgot, she didn’t have a name for a little while. Well, she has one now. It’s Sorrel Sage Stewart. A fun name. Any name become more fun when you add alliteration! Now the kid’s initials are cool. SSS. It’s always important to put some thought into your child’s initials. It will come in handy when they get high scores on classic video games or when they go off to college and need to identify their CDs so that their roommates won’t steal them.

So, this is my niece. The second picture is my favorite because she looks like she’s having a heated conversation on an invisible phone. Give ‘em hell Sorrel.


Fun Fact: I am also quite fond of Sorrel’s name because she sounds like she hails from Krypton. They just need to change the spelling to Sor El, then she be “super” cool.