Lately an epidemic has gripped my neighborhood. I would like to think that a scourge of this magnitude would be isolated to Hughes Street. My experience tells me different.
It seems as if not a day goes by that I don’t walk out of my apartment or drive down my street that there isn’t some jackass stopped in the middle of the road. If it was the same jackass, no problem, I would just slash his/her tires, but it always seems to be a different jackass. And, that’s felonious tire slashing.
These selfish jerks just leave their vehicles parked in the middle of the road with the promise that they are going to return very shortly thus allowing the rest of us to quietly get on with our less important lives. Don’t believe them. They lie. All of them. Liars.
I’m sure that they don’t mean to be King Assholes or anything. They have very important tasks to get done, right? After all, no matter what menial errand they are running, no matter what walk of life they seem to have drug themselves out from under, they always do one thing in common…
They turn on their Hazard Lights.
Hazard lights are for people who are stranded on the side of the freeway because they didn’t have the wherewithal to check their gas gauge. Hazard lights are for when you’re blocking the road after your crappy little American car throws a rod through your flimsy ass hood. Hazard lights are for when you blow a tire going 75 because some Jerkwad on i10 decided that he didn’t want that empty beer bottle stinking up his backseat anymore.
Hazard lights are not for visiting relatives, buying coffee, or going to the bank.
Hazard lights are not babysitters.
It’s as if these people are trying to pretend that their unwillingness to find a parking space is somehow the result of a tragic act of God.
“Oh my God, oh my God, the last thing I remember, I was looking for a parking spot, and now here I am in the middle of the street, but I just need to run in here for a couple of seconds, I’ll be right back, there’s a baby in the car, I couldn’t find a sitter, there’s never any parking on this street, I don’t have enough money for the meter because I spent all my quarters on laundry for the baby…who’s in the car, so I really need this cappuccino to deal with all the stress that I’m under with the parking situation, the laundry, the lack of qualified child care facilities, and the incessant screaming coming from my baby…who’s in the car!”
Do they really think that they’re fooling anyone? We know there’s no emergency. Delivering a pallet of Krispy Kremes to your fat sister-in-law is NOT an emergency.
And yet, they do it every time. Hoping that we’ll watch them run into the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf and think to ourselves, “It must be an emergency…her Hazard Lights are on. YOU GO GIRL! GET THAT ICED LATTE BEFORE THEY RUN OUT OF VANILLA POWDER AND IT’S TOO LATE!! We’ll watch your kid.”
Here’s the kicker. I used to somehow respect it. I actually found myself thinking, “At least they turned on their Hazard Lights.”
It must be conditioned behavior. I let it slide a little. And it’s my firm belief that other people do the same. As if Hazard Lights have some kind of deep spiritual power to make us forgive.
I’m inventing Hazard Lights for people. Wear them around your waist. Just turn them on and go.
Conspicuous Delinquency; the oldest con in the book. Just look like you’re supposed to be there doing what you’re doing.
“Honey, look, I know I slept with your best friend, but in all fairness to me…my Hazard Lights were on. Didn’t you see them? It was an emergency!”
“You’re Honor, yes I robbed the bank, but I turned on the flashing lights. They knew I was there. And I was only in there for a second. I really needed the money.”
It’s all B.S. The next time you see someone in the middle of the road with their flashers on, check to see if they’re bleeding, and if they’re not, throw something at them. Selfish jerks.
POSTSCRIPT: You may have noticed that I didn’t point out the fact that when these jerks are blocking the road they are also potentially getting in the way of emergency vehicles. That’s because my local Fire Dept. consistently double parks and puts official looking orange cones around their fire truck when they go shopping for chicken at El Pollo Loco.
Fun Fact: This morning on GMA, Diane Sawyer said that the “universe changed” after Janet Jackson’s performance at the Superbowl. Well, I did some research and it turns out that the constant spinning and expanding of the universe actually has no bearing on Janet’s right tit. Now you know.
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
TAM Tuesday!
The newest, and last, of the pencil sketched cartoons.
The first "good" one will be here on Friday.
I know, I know, try to be patient, it's only a couple days away.
TAM
The first "good" one will be here on Friday.
I know, I know, try to be patient, it's only a couple days away.
TAM
Monday, March 29, 2004
Hollywood, Here I Come!
I could be there in like 10 minutes, I live real close.
I attended a screening on Saturday for the short that I was in about 6 months ago. I have to say, look out Tinsel Town!
Here’s a synopsis (in 450 characters or less, including spaces):
As Planned
Jamie (Hilary Kerrigan) had her life all worked out, the wedding, the house, the savings accounts for the future kids, and the most perfect fiancé (TAM). But when her future husband dumps her before the wedding, her dreams begin to fade. That is, until she meets a handsome stranger with car trouble (Cory Assink) and learns that sometimes life doesn’t turn out -- as planned, in this short drama by award winning director Adam Hodge.
I could be the next big thing, you know. If only the jaded powers that be would just overlook my bad acting and the extra thirty pounds. Shallow jerks.
But, really, Halle Berry was right when, after winning the Oscar, she talked about “opening doors” in Hollywood. If she can be considered a serious actor, anybody can.
You might think that I’m being a little harsh on ol’ Halle. If you think that then you obviously haven’t seen Gothica. When ESL Penelope Cruz and crack head Robert Downey Jr. are acting circles around you, perhaps it’s time to reconsider those classes.
But maybe her ex’s sex addiction is finally taking its toll? Really though, I still think the best thing she’s ever done was The Flintstones. She was hot in that. Nothing more.
Other News:
This weekend I had a yard sale, watched three movies, went to a screening, went to a party, played basketball, bought some new cartooning supplies (with the money earned from the yard sale), turned in my first batch of synopses, and generally hung around the house sweating profusely.
You would think that I would have more to write about.
I don’t. (but be grateful that I didn’t go into more detail about the sweating)
Fun Fact: Here is one way to stop perspiration from being an embarrassing problem (from Lifetimetv.com): Cut out caffeine and other stimulants. The caffeine in colas, tea and coffee over stimulates the nervous system and boosts sweating.
What I want to know is, do the 10 cans of Diet Pepsi that I drink in a day count? Is nicotine in the family of “other stimulants?” And why are my teeth so yellow and soft?
I attended a screening on Saturday for the short that I was in about 6 months ago. I have to say, look out Tinsel Town!
Here’s a synopsis (in 450 characters or less, including spaces):
As Planned
Jamie (Hilary Kerrigan) had her life all worked out, the wedding, the house, the savings accounts for the future kids, and the most perfect fiancé (TAM). But when her future husband dumps her before the wedding, her dreams begin to fade. That is, until she meets a handsome stranger with car trouble (Cory Assink) and learns that sometimes life doesn’t turn out -- as planned, in this short drama by award winning director Adam Hodge.
I could be the next big thing, you know. If only the jaded powers that be would just overlook my bad acting and the extra thirty pounds. Shallow jerks.
But, really, Halle Berry was right when, after winning the Oscar, she talked about “opening doors” in Hollywood. If she can be considered a serious actor, anybody can.
You might think that I’m being a little harsh on ol’ Halle. If you think that then you obviously haven’t seen Gothica. When ESL Penelope Cruz and crack head Robert Downey Jr. are acting circles around you, perhaps it’s time to reconsider those classes.
But maybe her ex’s sex addiction is finally taking its toll? Really though, I still think the best thing she’s ever done was The Flintstones. She was hot in that. Nothing more.
Other News:
This weekend I had a yard sale, watched three movies, went to a screening, went to a party, played basketball, bought some new cartooning supplies (with the money earned from the yard sale), turned in my first batch of synopses, and generally hung around the house sweating profusely.
You would think that I would have more to write about.
I don’t. (but be grateful that I didn’t go into more detail about the sweating)
Fun Fact: Here is one way to stop perspiration from being an embarrassing problem (from Lifetimetv.com): Cut out caffeine and other stimulants. The caffeine in colas, tea and coffee over stimulates the nervous system and boosts sweating.
What I want to know is, do the 10 cans of Diet Pepsi that I drink in a day count? Is nicotine in the family of “other stimulants?” And why are my teeth so yellow and soft?
Friday, March 26, 2004
Friday People!
The new cartoon is up, sorry about the poor quality (only one more until they start getting legible). Just click on it if you actually want to read it.
In other news: My life has been an endless string of synopses lately.
See, that was just another one.
Fun Fact: I watched a garbage truck eat a futon this morning. Fun times.
In other news: My life has been an endless string of synopses lately.
See, that was just another one.
Fun Fact: I watched a garbage truck eat a futon this morning. Fun times.
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
My Life in a Nutshell - or - Too Much Work, Too Little Meat
By meat, I mean substance. Ha, ha, you had your laugh.
Been slow to post today, but that’s because I have a job!
Sort of.
I am writing movie synopses for “a big online DVD rental company” who shall not be named because I don’t want them to find this, causing me to lose my new found job.
Don’t worry, this freelance writing gig is only temporary, so I should be back to my usual unemployed self in no time. At least I hope. I mean, I’m not writing the great American novel here or anything.
I know, I know. At least it’s some money, right?
Wrong! I was unemployed for a reason, dangit!
The synopses are 450 characters long (or less, incl. spaces). Mine are exceptionally good. Look for them if you are a member of “a big online DVD rental company.” Some of my favorites include Chinese Ghost Story 3, Dil To Pagal Hai, and the anime hit Wicked City (the one where the demon woman has fangs on her genitals).
I am getting better at this type of writing though. It’s fascinating. Here is my morning in example mode:
TAM’s Breakfast
TAM (Tam) thought that he was above the mundane commonality of everyday life. That is, until he woke up one day – hungry. At first, he didn’t know what to make, but with some encouraging words from his girlfriend (Tanya) he had turkey bacon and egg substitute frying on the stove in this quirky comedy directed by Hunger (Naked Lunch, My Dinner with Andre).
TAM’s Walk
In this, the sequel to TAM’s Breakfast, TAM (Tam) is back and this time he is prowling the streets. His once quiet life is transformed as he ventures out of the safety of his apartment and witnesses other people living their lives around him. TAM is forced to come to grips with the fact that he is not the center of the universe in this poignant drama directed by Habitual Behavior (Nose Picking, Alias) and costarring a bunch of other people.
TAM’s Workout
A prequel to TAM’s Breakfast, this film closes out the TAM trilogy. TAM (Tam) is woken one morning by the sound of his girlfriend’s (Tanya) alarm clock. It’s a struggle even to get out of bed, but that’s just the beginning as the two fight for the right to use cross-trainers that may be the death of them both. TV’s are on closed captions in this action-packed drama from director, Shame of Self Image (Paris Hilton, My Eighth Grade Year).
Fun Fact: Tanya likes to sabotage my Blog posting. She keeps calling to tell me about what other bloggers are writing! Oooohhh, they're soooo funny aren’t they! Mimi Smartypants…Mimi Smartypants…why don’t you just marry Mimi Smartypants! I just feel so used.
Been slow to post today, but that’s because I have a job!
Sort of.
I am writing movie synopses for “a big online DVD rental company” who shall not be named because I don’t want them to find this, causing me to lose my new found job.
Don’t worry, this freelance writing gig is only temporary, so I should be back to my usual unemployed self in no time. At least I hope. I mean, I’m not writing the great American novel here or anything.
I know, I know. At least it’s some money, right?
Wrong! I was unemployed for a reason, dangit!
The synopses are 450 characters long (or less, incl. spaces). Mine are exceptionally good. Look for them if you are a member of “a big online DVD rental company.” Some of my favorites include Chinese Ghost Story 3, Dil To Pagal Hai, and the anime hit Wicked City (the one where the demon woman has fangs on her genitals).
I am getting better at this type of writing though. It’s fascinating. Here is my morning in example mode:
TAM’s Breakfast
TAM (Tam) thought that he was above the mundane commonality of everyday life. That is, until he woke up one day – hungry. At first, he didn’t know what to make, but with some encouraging words from his girlfriend (Tanya) he had turkey bacon and egg substitute frying on the stove in this quirky comedy directed by Hunger (Naked Lunch, My Dinner with Andre).
TAM’s Walk
In this, the sequel to TAM’s Breakfast, TAM (Tam) is back and this time he is prowling the streets. His once quiet life is transformed as he ventures out of the safety of his apartment and witnesses other people living their lives around him. TAM is forced to come to grips with the fact that he is not the center of the universe in this poignant drama directed by Habitual Behavior (Nose Picking, Alias) and costarring a bunch of other people.
TAM’s Workout
A prequel to TAM’s Breakfast, this film closes out the TAM trilogy. TAM (Tam) is woken one morning by the sound of his girlfriend’s (Tanya) alarm clock. It’s a struggle even to get out of bed, but that’s just the beginning as the two fight for the right to use cross-trainers that may be the death of them both. TV’s are on closed captions in this action-packed drama from director, Shame of Self Image (Paris Hilton, My Eighth Grade Year).
Fun Fact: Tanya likes to sabotage my Blog posting. She keeps calling to tell me about what other bloggers are writing! Oooohhh, they're soooo funny aren’t they! Mimi Smartypants…Mimi Smartypants…why don’t you just marry Mimi Smartypants! I just feel so used.
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
TAM Tuesday!
I’ve been a little neglectful of the ol’ Blog these last couple of days, sorry. But, I’m trying to improve the cartoon!
I’m probably putting way too much effort into the TAM cartoon, but I like to…so there! You should see the improvements in about a week and a half (I have to get through the crappy ones that I’ve finished first).
P.S. The improvements that I speak of only pertain to the look of the cartoon, not the content. That will continue to be crappy.
A Poem:
Ode to the Chocolate Mousse Pie in My Fridge
O Chocolate Mousse Pie
You call to me
You call to me
I can not eat you and you know why
Obesity
Obesity
You sit in my fridge and
Toy with me
You toy with me
I will give in and have to live with
Obesity
Obesity
I have only myself to blame
I made the pie
TAM
I’m probably putting way too much effort into the TAM cartoon, but I like to…so there! You should see the improvements in about a week and a half (I have to get through the crappy ones that I’ve finished first).
P.S. The improvements that I speak of only pertain to the look of the cartoon, not the content. That will continue to be crappy.
A Poem:
Ode to the Chocolate Mousse Pie in My Fridge
O Chocolate Mousse Pie
You call to me
You call to me
I can not eat you and you know why
Obesity
Obesity
You sit in my fridge and
Toy with me
You toy with me
I will give in and have to live with
Obesity
Obesity
I have only myself to blame
I made the pie
TAM
Monday, March 22, 2004
You Say It’s Your Birthday (bada dah dah dah dah dah)
Happy Birthday, Tanya!
I wrote you a little song, here ya’ go:
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear…um…Tanya,
Happy Birthday to you!
I had a little trouble with the third line, luckily some inspiration kicked in at the last moment.
I’m still working on the melody.
Happy Birthday!!!!
Fun Fact: If you place a pair of shoes on the floor of any room, Tanya will trip over them. Even if they’re in a corner! Try it sometime for some fun. You may even learn some new curse words!
I wrote you a little song, here ya’ go:
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear…um…Tanya,
Happy Birthday to you!
I had a little trouble with the third line, luckily some inspiration kicked in at the last moment.
I’m still working on the melody.
Happy Birthday!!!!
Fun Fact: If you place a pair of shoes on the floor of any room, Tanya will trip over them. Even if they’re in a corner! Try it sometime for some fun. You may even learn some new curse words!
Friday, March 19, 2004
Get The Lead Out!
A public service announcement for all of my Mexican readers. You know who you are.
It seems that a popular Mexican “candy” bar is being recalled due to toxic amounts of lead.
It’s called “Chaca Chaca,” here is a picture:
Looks like the Chaca Chaca Train is hauling another load of “Crap Candy” up “Crap Candy Mountain.”
I’m sure this recall is no real big loss to the candy community. I can’t imagine that children will be opening their lunchboxes in Mexico today and saying “¡Qué? ¡Ninguna pulpa de la manzana y el polvo del chili? ¡Cómo obtendré jamás yo mi dulce en?!”
That is, of course, assuming that Mexican children have lunchboxes. Or lunches.
What?! I’m not being insensitive. It’s a third world country, you know. They’re poor down there. And if the government keeps allowing candy makers to poison their youth with lead, there will be no escape from their bleak status. Lead poisoning can cause learning disabilities and behavioral disorders, don’t you know.
Chaca Chaca, contrary to what the name leads you to believe, is not made is made from anything even resembling chocolate. The name of the candy bar comes from the sound that a train makes. The logo came from the fact that the Choco Choco sound comes from a train. And the circular logic in regards to the candy naming/logo picking debacle is to distract you from the fact that it is made out of apple pulp and chili powder!
I’m more of a “kiwi fruit and oregano” man myself.
Something tells me that if the ingredients weren’t enough to keep people from eating this, then a little lead poisoning won’t hurt sales much either. Perhaps it’s the lead that causes the children to consume such a nasty product? They just can’t learn that it sucks each and every time that they eat it? I can understand that. I mean, I have the same problem every time I think that I want to eat at Jack in the Box.
The company that makes this “candy” also makes “Fruit Salted Plum Suckers.”
Yummy.
I never did understand why certain kids at my school walked around all day sucking on Lemon Salt. Candy is supposed to be sweet, you backwards weirdos!
Multiculturalism ROCKS!
Read a review of this (and other) “candy” from people who have actually tried it. Bad-Candy.com.
Fun Fact: Mexico City is sinking at a rate of 6 to 8 inches a year because it's built on top of an underground reservoir. Wells are drawing out more and more water for the city's growing population of more than 15 million people? And yet, I will not make any jokes about too many people living in one apartment?
It seems that a popular Mexican “candy” bar is being recalled due to toxic amounts of lead.
It’s called “Chaca Chaca,” here is a picture:
Looks like the Chaca Chaca Train is hauling another load of “Crap Candy” up “Crap Candy Mountain.”
I’m sure this recall is no real big loss to the candy community. I can’t imagine that children will be opening their lunchboxes in Mexico today and saying “¡Qué? ¡Ninguna pulpa de la manzana y el polvo del chili? ¡Cómo obtendré jamás yo mi dulce en?!”
That is, of course, assuming that Mexican children have lunchboxes. Or lunches.
What?! I’m not being insensitive. It’s a third world country, you know. They’re poor down there. And if the government keeps allowing candy makers to poison their youth with lead, there will be no escape from their bleak status. Lead poisoning can cause learning disabilities and behavioral disorders, don’t you know.
Chaca Chaca, contrary to what the name leads you to believe, is not made is made from anything even resembling chocolate. The name of the candy bar comes from the sound that a train makes. The logo came from the fact that the Choco Choco sound comes from a train. And the circular logic in regards to the candy naming/logo picking debacle is to distract you from the fact that it is made out of apple pulp and chili powder!
I’m more of a “kiwi fruit and oregano” man myself.
Something tells me that if the ingredients weren’t enough to keep people from eating this, then a little lead poisoning won’t hurt sales much either. Perhaps it’s the lead that causes the children to consume such a nasty product? They just can’t learn that it sucks each and every time that they eat it? I can understand that. I mean, I have the same problem every time I think that I want to eat at Jack in the Box.
The company that makes this “candy” also makes “Fruit Salted Plum Suckers.”
Yummy.
I never did understand why certain kids at my school walked around all day sucking on Lemon Salt. Candy is supposed to be sweet, you backwards weirdos!
Multiculturalism ROCKS!
Read a review of this (and other) “candy” from people who have actually tried it. Bad-Candy.com.
Fun Fact: Mexico City is sinking at a rate of 6 to 8 inches a year because it's built on top of an underground reservoir. Wells are drawing out more and more water for the city's growing population of more than 15 million people? And yet, I will not make any jokes about too many people living in one apartment?
TGIDMTIFBIU
Thank God It Doesn't Matter That It's Friday Because I'm Unemployed.
The new TAM Cartoon is up! Yahoo! Google! Alta Vista! Lycos!
TAM
The new TAM Cartoon is up! Yahoo! Google! Alta Vista! Lycos!
TAM
Thursday, March 18, 2004
The Wait is Over!
My 9 Volt Battery Baby is hitting the airwaves!
Like I said, it’s my first “pseudo adolescent punk-pop” song. I’m using new recording software so I haven’t gotten the mix just right.
Also, there is one swear word in the song, so if you have small children who like punk-pop music, cover their ears about 20 seconds into it.
Like the disclaimers? I can’t do anything without a disclaimer. I like to think that my entire life leading up to this moment is just one big disclaimer.
Click on the “Album Cover” to hear the song that I wrote, recorded, mixed, and mastered all in about four hours on my plain old PC with some borrowed software and no preamps and…
I have a dial-up modem and it downloaded pretty quickly for me, so no excuses!
A great big thanks to Jared over at Burritotime! Without him this wouldn’t be possible. Go give him a visit and say thanks for me. I would do it, but I can’t stand that guy.
Just so you know, if this post has any grammatical errors or just isn’t very interesting , I wrote it really fast, and it’s early, and…
Fun Fact: No news is good news but good news is even better. (Also, no Wildebeests is good Wildebeests, with Gary Wildebeest)
Like I said, it’s my first “pseudo adolescent punk-pop” song. I’m using new recording software so I haven’t gotten the mix just right.
Also, there is one swear word in the song, so if you have small children who like punk-pop music, cover their ears about 20 seconds into it.
Like the disclaimers? I can’t do anything without a disclaimer. I like to think that my entire life leading up to this moment is just one big disclaimer.
Click on the “Album Cover” to hear the song that I wrote, recorded, mixed, and mastered all in about four hours on my plain old PC with some borrowed software and no preamps and…
I have a dial-up modem and it downloaded pretty quickly for me, so no excuses!
A great big thanks to Jared over at Burritotime! Without him this wouldn’t be possible. Go give him a visit and say thanks for me. I would do it, but I can’t stand that guy.
Just so you know, if this post has any grammatical errors or just isn’t very interesting , I wrote it really fast, and it’s early, and…
Fun Fact: No news is good news but good news is even better. (Also, no Wildebeests is good Wildebeests, with Gary Wildebeest)
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Erin, Wear a Bra!
Let me be the first Blogger on the internet to say, Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
My shoes are green so stay away from me with your lecherously sadistic pinching fingers!
Since St. Patty’s day is not about a dude drowning Irish snakes or homogenizing Ireland by converting Druids to Christianity, but is rather a tribute to the color green, I have composed a little still-life photograph for the occasion.
This picture may look like I just ran around the apartment and indiscriminately picked out green things to take a picture of, but let me assure you…that’s exactly what I did.
I left my shoes out of it because, honestly, no one needs to see those ugly things two days in a row.
Here it is:
The Callously Celtic Cornucopia…a Monochromatic Fantasia in Green
I was going to call it:
Ode to the Lonely Nights of an Artistic, Romantic, Nicotine Addicted, Drunken, Italian Phone Sex Operator with a Frog Fetish, A Penchant for Absurdist Theatre, and a Sunburn
But I thought that title was a little long.
Photographer’s Note: None of the “girly” things in the picture are Mine. Unless you think Parmesan Cheese is “girly.” Do you? ‘Cause I can get rid of it.
Fun Fact: The Leprechaun is an Irish fairy. He looks like a small, old man (about 2 feet tall), often dressed like a shoemaker, with a cocked hat and a leather apron. Incidentally, the same could be said about Oscar Wilde and Colin Farrell.
My shoes are green so stay away from me with your lecherously sadistic pinching fingers!
Since St. Patty’s day is not about a dude drowning Irish snakes or homogenizing Ireland by converting Druids to Christianity, but is rather a tribute to the color green, I have composed a little still-life photograph for the occasion.
This picture may look like I just ran around the apartment and indiscriminately picked out green things to take a picture of, but let me assure you…that’s exactly what I did.
I left my shoes out of it because, honestly, no one needs to see those ugly things two days in a row.
Here it is:
The Callously Celtic Cornucopia…a Monochromatic Fantasia in Green
I was going to call it:
Ode to the Lonely Nights of an Artistic, Romantic, Nicotine Addicted, Drunken, Italian Phone Sex Operator with a Frog Fetish, A Penchant for Absurdist Theatre, and a Sunburn
But I thought that title was a little long.
Photographer’s Note: None of the “girly” things in the picture are Mine. Unless you think Parmesan Cheese is “girly.” Do you? ‘Cause I can get rid of it.
Fun Fact: The Leprechaun is an Irish fairy. He looks like a small, old man (about 2 feet tall), often dressed like a shoemaker, with a cocked hat and a leather apron. Incidentally, the same could be said about Oscar Wilde and Colin Farrell.
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
Slow News Day
Blogspot has been acting up and I'm trying to get ahead on the TAM cartoons today.
Plus, it hurts to type for too long.
And I'm lazy.
In the meantime, here is a picture of my shoes for you to look at and learn from.
One thing you may have learned is that I don't untie them when I take them off.
You're welcome.
TAM
Fun Fact: "Wheat Thins" are thin and made from wheat!
Plus, it hurts to type for too long.
And I'm lazy.
In the meantime, here is a picture of my shoes for you to look at and learn from.
One thing you may have learned is that I don't untie them when I take them off.
You're welcome.
TAM
Fun Fact: "Wheat Thins" are thin and made from wheat!
Tuesday TAM Cartoon
The new one is up! I'm still ahead of the game!
When my arms "heal" I'll be golden.
TAM
When my arms "heal" I'll be golden.
TAM
Monday, March 15, 2004
Is This Love That I’m Feelin’?
Here’s me wearing my candy necklace. A candy necklace called “love beads.”
My face has been cut off to protect my identity. That, and to make my neck look long and luxurious.
The name “love beads” for a children’s candy is creepy, sure, but what’s creepier is that it was given to me by “Johnny.” He had a whole bunch of them in his car one day. He told me why, but I can’t remember.
Refresh my memory, Johnny; why were you driving around LA giving “love beads” to other dudes?
I felt special but then he gave one to Tanya too. He’s so indiscriminate.
I’ve protected her chin’s identity.
But thank you, Johnny. Thank you for feeling confident enough to give a brother some “love beads.”
Fun Fact: All that’s left of the “love beads” is a thin elastic string, some dried slobber, and traces of FD&C Yellow #5 and #6.
My face has been cut off to protect my identity. That, and to make my neck look long and luxurious.
The name “love beads” for a children’s candy is creepy, sure, but what’s creepier is that it was given to me by “Johnny.” He had a whole bunch of them in his car one day. He told me why, but I can’t remember.
Refresh my memory, Johnny; why were you driving around LA giving “love beads” to other dudes?
I felt special but then he gave one to Tanya too. He’s so indiscriminate.
I’ve protected her chin’s identity.
But thank you, Johnny. Thank you for feeling confident enough to give a brother some “love beads.”
Fun Fact: All that’s left of the “love beads” is a thin elastic string, some dried slobber, and traces of FD&C Yellow #5 and #6.
Your Money or Your Life
My arms are killing me.
Tanya and I went to Bally Total Fitness on Saturday and I still haven’t recovered. For those of you who don’t know, we joined a gym recently. And for those of you unfamiliar with Bally policy, whenever you sign up with one of their “pay-out-your-rear-for-three-years” plan you get a session with a personal trainer, “for free.” The design of this policy is to get you to pay for two months of personal training sessions. They figure that once you get the personal touch (figuratively of course) you’ll be hooked, and then you will pay for those as well as your gym membership.
Having a personal trainer would be great; the only problem is that two months costs about $13,000,000. (The nice thing about this price is that it makes the gym membership itself seem really cheap.)
So we went to the gym and met with our respective “trainers” and off we went. This is where I made my first and fatal mistake.
I hate going to these “membership perks” things, I know that they’re just going to try and sell me more crap. So I tried to be up-front with Esed. (abbreviated to protect his identity). I told him about three times at the beginning of the session that I was unemployed, hoping that he would get the picture and realize that I wasn’t interested in spending $13,000,000.
I think he got the picture.
These trainers don’t like wasting their time with people who aren’t going to buy their services. I realized that before I went in and yet I still opened my big fat mouth. He decides to start me off with some stretching (after asking me if I had any health problems that might cause me to drop dead as soon as I pick up a dumbbell). Simple enough. No real pain there.
But then, he decided to get me working on my shoulders.
I was in pretty good shape about seven months ago, but I haven’t been to the gym for a while. And the shoulder muscles just aren’t something that you work every day. I don’t know about you but I don’t spend a lot of time lifting things over my head over and over again. So, he makes me do 75 reps. on one machine, 60 on another, and then about 40 on another. All working my shoulder muscles. We did some curls too and some squats (just so my legs wouldn’t be let out the next morning).
At one point in the workout he said to me ”Hey man, don’t be embarrassed that you’re not lifting very much weight…”
Thanks Esed. You ass. I wasn’t embarrassed until you said something and I noticed that the whole gym was staring at me!
Two days later and I still can’t lift my arms over my head. I can’t straighten them either. I have to walk around looking like I’m doing the “I’m YOKED!” pose all day. Now I’m embarrassed.
I really don’t think that I’m yoked.
At the end of the session, after he stretched out my legs and after I almost fell down the steps, he didn’t even bother to try and pitch me the training sessions. But I’m sure that he smirked all the way to his stupid car.
I did go and sit in on Tanya’s pitch, after I overheard her trainer say to my trainer that she thought Tanya was going to buy.
Anyway, as I suspected, Tanya says “no” to the deal and this girl gets a little snippy:
“I teach kickboxing…”
“If money’s an issue, I have special authorization to only charge you [$10,000,000] if that would be easier...”
“It’s time to think about your health, you’re still young…well, you’re still relatively young…”
“I know it seems like a lot of money, but it’s better to spend it now than in an ICU…”
Did she just threaten our lives with that last one?
Did we just almost get mugged this weekend at Bally Total Fitness?
You bet your life we did and if it weren’t for a well placed kick and my new-found “yokedness” we would have never escaped with our credit.
Screw you Bally! There are no winners here. You don’t have our money and I now have the arms of a T-Rex and need Tanya’s help to put on my jacket. Jerks.
Fun Fact: Pillsbury's new Ready to bake Big Delux Classics Peanut Butter Cup cookies are very tasty. But just because you go to the gym doesn't mean that you can eat half the package at once! (sorry, that's more for me than you)
Tanya and I went to Bally Total Fitness on Saturday and I still haven’t recovered. For those of you who don’t know, we joined a gym recently. And for those of you unfamiliar with Bally policy, whenever you sign up with one of their “pay-out-your-rear-for-three-years” plan you get a session with a personal trainer, “for free.” The design of this policy is to get you to pay for two months of personal training sessions. They figure that once you get the personal touch (figuratively of course) you’ll be hooked, and then you will pay for those as well as your gym membership.
Having a personal trainer would be great; the only problem is that two months costs about $13,000,000. (The nice thing about this price is that it makes the gym membership itself seem really cheap.)
So we went to the gym and met with our respective “trainers” and off we went. This is where I made my first and fatal mistake.
I hate going to these “membership perks” things, I know that they’re just going to try and sell me more crap. So I tried to be up-front with Esed. (abbreviated to protect his identity). I told him about three times at the beginning of the session that I was unemployed, hoping that he would get the picture and realize that I wasn’t interested in spending $13,000,000.
I think he got the picture.
These trainers don’t like wasting their time with people who aren’t going to buy their services. I realized that before I went in and yet I still opened my big fat mouth. He decides to start me off with some stretching (after asking me if I had any health problems that might cause me to drop dead as soon as I pick up a dumbbell). Simple enough. No real pain there.
But then, he decided to get me working on my shoulders.
I was in pretty good shape about seven months ago, but I haven’t been to the gym for a while. And the shoulder muscles just aren’t something that you work every day. I don’t know about you but I don’t spend a lot of time lifting things over my head over and over again. So, he makes me do 75 reps. on one machine, 60 on another, and then about 40 on another. All working my shoulder muscles. We did some curls too and some squats (just so my legs wouldn’t be let out the next morning).
At one point in the workout he said to me ”Hey man, don’t be embarrassed that you’re not lifting very much weight…”
Thanks Esed. You ass. I wasn’t embarrassed until you said something and I noticed that the whole gym was staring at me!
Two days later and I still can’t lift my arms over my head. I can’t straighten them either. I have to walk around looking like I’m doing the “I’m YOKED!” pose all day. Now I’m embarrassed.
I really don’t think that I’m yoked.
At the end of the session, after he stretched out my legs and after I almost fell down the steps, he didn’t even bother to try and pitch me the training sessions. But I’m sure that he smirked all the way to his stupid car.
I did go and sit in on Tanya’s pitch, after I overheard her trainer say to my trainer that she thought Tanya was going to buy.
Anyway, as I suspected, Tanya says “no” to the deal and this girl gets a little snippy:
“I teach kickboxing…”
“If money’s an issue, I have special authorization to only charge you [$10,000,000] if that would be easier...”
“It’s time to think about your health, you’re still young…well, you’re still relatively young…”
“I know it seems like a lot of money, but it’s better to spend it now than in an ICU…”
Did she just threaten our lives with that last one?
Did we just almost get mugged this weekend at Bally Total Fitness?
You bet your life we did and if it weren’t for a well placed kick and my new-found “yokedness” we would have never escaped with our credit.
Screw you Bally! There are no winners here. You don’t have our money and I now have the arms of a T-Rex and need Tanya’s help to put on my jacket. Jerks.
Fun Fact: Pillsbury's new Ready to bake Big Delux Classics Peanut Butter Cup cookies are very tasty. But just because you go to the gym doesn't mean that you can eat half the package at once! (sorry, that's more for me than you)
Sunday, March 14, 2004
Passion? No. Bleeding? Yes.
The churchies were correct. They said that watching the Passion of the Christ would solidify one's own personal beliefs.
It did.
Now I'm positive that children are the work of satan.
FunFact: Which Came First??? According to National Geographic, scientists have settled the old dispute over which came first -- the chicken or the egg. They say that reptiles were laying eggs thousands of years before chickens appeared, and the first chicken came from an egg laid by a bird that was not quite a chicken. That seems to answer the question. The egg came first.
~Source - Knowledge in a Nutshell~
All Chicken Facts came from here.
It did.
Now I'm positive that children are the work of satan.
FunFact: Which Came First??? According to National Geographic, scientists have settled the old dispute over which came first -- the chicken or the egg. They say that reptiles were laying eggs thousands of years before chickens appeared, and the first chicken came from an egg laid by a bird that was not quite a chicken. That seems to answer the question. The egg came first.
~Source - Knowledge in a Nutshell~
All Chicken Facts came from here.
Friday, March 12, 2004
Only 287 Shopping Days Left!
I had an associative time warp experience last night when Tanya and I went to Costco.
I make weird associations all the time, they are strong and they are extremely distracting. Here’s an example, it’s strange, but every time I read Lileks.com I get the uncontrollable urge to drive to Huntington Beach. But not only do I have to drive to Huntington Beach but I have to take highway 1 (the PCH) and that takes about two hours! I make Tanya go with me, even if she doesn’t particularly want to. We go to a Chili’s on Beach Blvd. and then take the freeway home. Why do I do this? I don’t know. Maybe James Lileks has some kind of subliminal advertising on his site? I’m not trying to say that Chili’s serves regrettable food or anything but what other explanation could there be for deliberately choosing to drive two hours just to go about 40 miles and eat a Triple Play and some Baby Back Ribs?! There are Chilis’ closer. I don’t even LOVE Chili’s! Here’s the kicker, once we get there, all I can think about is opening a theatre in New England.
You’re waiting for the punchline aren’t you? There isn’t one. Sad but true. There’s just something about that website that makes me do that. I think there’s a glitch in my programming.
Anyway, driving to Costco last night, it was a little cold, a little foggy, a little like a California Autumn. It’s March, I know that, but everything in my brain said October. It was a nice departure form the heat wave that we recently experienced. I loved it because if it were up to me, it would be September through December all year ‘round.
That’s one nice thing about not having seasons in LA; you can pretend like it’s another season any day of the year (except for maybe a month in the summer).
So driving to Costco in October all I could think about was Christmas. Sure, I enjoy Halloween a lot, but that’s mostly because it’s in the autumn and it’s so close to Christmas (not a big Thanksgiving fan ironically).
The holiday season comes early here on Hughes Ave. As soon as September rolls around, I start celebrating Christmas. I’m a freak for Christmas. For those of you who may not know, I even made a Christmas album this past year (which I started making in September). I love Christmas! I’m not ashamed…maybe a little embarrassed…but not ashamed.
I’m more embarrassed that there are still Christmas lights hanging up in the apartment and I really have no intention of taking them down. In fact, I’m working on a plan to make them permanent.
So, Tanya and I sat outside Costco in the cold and ate “Costco Dogs” and Churros but all I could think of was that I couldn’t wait to get inside and see all of the wonderful Christmas merchandise. Which is strange on a couple of different levels; one, I know that it isn’t Christmas, and two, Costco Dogs are made by Hebrew National and Churros are not my typical Christmas fare.
Yet I was still disappointed when we got inside. There were no huge inflatable lawn snowmen. Gone were the light-up reindeers whose heads shake back and forth as if to warn would-be vandals that there would be no presents for them this year of they continued with their mischief. No ornaments. No crappy expensive figurines. No Christmas compilation albums containing all the same songs just in a different order. No classic Christmas DVD boxed sets. No holiday gift baskets of (ironically named) summer sausage, cheese, and liquor.
Just an isle filled with camping equipment and boogie boards.
Looks like there will be no Christmas this March, kids. Damn.
Fun Fact: The record for laying the most eggs in one day by a single chicken is seven! Incidentally, that same chicken set the record for most tubes of Preparation H used by a single chicken in one day!
I make weird associations all the time, they are strong and they are extremely distracting. Here’s an example, it’s strange, but every time I read Lileks.com I get the uncontrollable urge to drive to Huntington Beach. But not only do I have to drive to Huntington Beach but I have to take highway 1 (the PCH) and that takes about two hours! I make Tanya go with me, even if she doesn’t particularly want to. We go to a Chili’s on Beach Blvd. and then take the freeway home. Why do I do this? I don’t know. Maybe James Lileks has some kind of subliminal advertising on his site? I’m not trying to say that Chili’s serves regrettable food or anything but what other explanation could there be for deliberately choosing to drive two hours just to go about 40 miles and eat a Triple Play and some Baby Back Ribs?! There are Chilis’ closer. I don’t even LOVE Chili’s! Here’s the kicker, once we get there, all I can think about is opening a theatre in New England.
You’re waiting for the punchline aren’t you? There isn’t one. Sad but true. There’s just something about that website that makes me do that. I think there’s a glitch in my programming.
Anyway, driving to Costco last night, it was a little cold, a little foggy, a little like a California Autumn. It’s March, I know that, but everything in my brain said October. It was a nice departure form the heat wave that we recently experienced. I loved it because if it were up to me, it would be September through December all year ‘round.
That’s one nice thing about not having seasons in LA; you can pretend like it’s another season any day of the year (except for maybe a month in the summer).
So driving to Costco in October all I could think about was Christmas. Sure, I enjoy Halloween a lot, but that’s mostly because it’s in the autumn and it’s so close to Christmas (not a big Thanksgiving fan ironically).
The holiday season comes early here on Hughes Ave. As soon as September rolls around, I start celebrating Christmas. I’m a freak for Christmas. For those of you who may not know, I even made a Christmas album this past year (which I started making in September). I love Christmas! I’m not ashamed…maybe a little embarrassed…but not ashamed.
I’m more embarrassed that there are still Christmas lights hanging up in the apartment and I really have no intention of taking them down. In fact, I’m working on a plan to make them permanent.
So, Tanya and I sat outside Costco in the cold and ate “Costco Dogs” and Churros but all I could think of was that I couldn’t wait to get inside and see all of the wonderful Christmas merchandise. Which is strange on a couple of different levels; one, I know that it isn’t Christmas, and two, Costco Dogs are made by Hebrew National and Churros are not my typical Christmas fare.
Yet I was still disappointed when we got inside. There were no huge inflatable lawn snowmen. Gone were the light-up reindeers whose heads shake back and forth as if to warn would-be vandals that there would be no presents for them this year of they continued with their mischief. No ornaments. No crappy expensive figurines. No Christmas compilation albums containing all the same songs just in a different order. No classic Christmas DVD boxed sets. No holiday gift baskets of (ironically named) summer sausage, cheese, and liquor.
Just an isle filled with camping equipment and boogie boards.
Looks like there will be no Christmas this March, kids. Damn.
Fun Fact: The record for laying the most eggs in one day by a single chicken is seven! Incidentally, that same chicken set the record for most tubes of Preparation H used by a single chicken in one day!
Thursday, March 11, 2004
Look Out!!! That Creepy Thing has Green Eyes!!
I'm just trying to fight my jealousy and be a good friend here by mentioning that my friend Mike (He's what Mrs. King's partner at the detective agency would be if he fell into my laundry basket) has gotten published!!
Good job Mike.
Sure, it's just a web site publication. Sure, it didn't pay the rent. Sure, it...oh my god!!! That creepy thing is back!!
I figured that I should probably link to it. Especially since the story has me in it! The Anthropomorphic Accomplice to Murder!
Go here and read.
TAAM
Good job Mike.
Sure, it's just a web site publication. Sure, it didn't pay the rent. Sure, it...oh my god!!! That creepy thing is back!!
I figured that I should probably link to it. Especially since the story has me in it! The Anthropomorphic Accomplice to Murder!
Go here and read.
TAAM
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
Mornin’ all.
I saw my friend this morning again as I stalked the neighborhood. He still had his dogs and the eye patch, but I swear that the patch was on the other eye before! Perhaps he’s just running around trying to solicit sympathy. Or, it could be that I have the memory of a Mafia witness.
I saw many other wonderful things this morning also. I saw a really old lady pushing a rickety little cart…very slowly. Old ladies are constantly pushing carts around the neighborhood. I know that it helps them to walk, but the use of a cart says to me that they’re ashamed of their incapacity. I’ve got news for you, old lady, I don’t think that you’re shopping. I know what the cart is for and I resent the implication that I’m stupid enough to think otherwise! At least put some prop groceries in it or something! And I’m not your “sonny!”
Man…old ladies…sheesh! You can’t live with them…for very long… ‘cause they’re old.
I’ve got to hand it to that little old lady though, if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t have gotten to cross the street in front of the extremely large truck that was waiting at the intersection. I felt a little bad about taking advantage of that situation; I’m usually a very fair intersection crosser, mostly because I hate pedestrians, so when I walk I try to act like a car. I even make engine noises and pretend like I’m steering. But, in the block that I had to make the hard decision while that leady shuffled across the blacktop, I decided to go for it. Hey, you only live once.
I don’t just see old people on my walks in the morning. Every once in a while I see this girl about my age come rushing out of her apartment building like she’s late. And every time I’ve seen her, she’s always fighting to quickly put on some article of clothing. Now, I’ve been late for things before (not lately because, I mean, what do I have to be late for?) But I’ve been late in the past and I’ve never, ever, rushed into the street half dressed. It just seems a bit rehearsed. It’s something that is a cliché in movies but never really happens in real life. And, frankly, when this girl does it, it seems as if she’s desperately trying to indicate that she has someplace very important to be, so important that she has little time to dress herself properly, but she’s soooo important and she really needs to get there now because if she doesn’t then the whole freaking world would implode in on itself and a super race of cream cheese sandwiches would rule over all of humanity for the rest of eternity!
I’m not sure if that’s exactly what she was going for, but that’s what I got. Listen girl, if you’re so important how come you can’t wake up five minutes earlier?! You’re just as bad as those people who come out of the restroom still buckling their belts! It’s gross for some irrational reason. But gross none the less! Besides, the neighbors don’t want to see your morning routine! No one is interested in the mundane details of your day! Um…
Why are there so many fake people in LA?!
In other news: I’ve finished the song that I was recording yesterday and I predict that “My 9 Volt Battery Baby” will be a huge hit!
Fun Fact: Chickens can travel up to 9 miles per hour. That is until you’re stuck behind them in traffic with somewhere to be, then they only seem to want to go about 6 ½!
I saw my friend this morning again as I stalked the neighborhood. He still had his dogs and the eye patch, but I swear that the patch was on the other eye before! Perhaps he’s just running around trying to solicit sympathy. Or, it could be that I have the memory of a Mafia witness.
I saw many other wonderful things this morning also. I saw a really old lady pushing a rickety little cart…very slowly. Old ladies are constantly pushing carts around the neighborhood. I know that it helps them to walk, but the use of a cart says to me that they’re ashamed of their incapacity. I’ve got news for you, old lady, I don’t think that you’re shopping. I know what the cart is for and I resent the implication that I’m stupid enough to think otherwise! At least put some prop groceries in it or something! And I’m not your “sonny!”
Man…old ladies…sheesh! You can’t live with them…for very long… ‘cause they’re old.
I’ve got to hand it to that little old lady though, if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t have gotten to cross the street in front of the extremely large truck that was waiting at the intersection. I felt a little bad about taking advantage of that situation; I’m usually a very fair intersection crosser, mostly because I hate pedestrians, so when I walk I try to act like a car. I even make engine noises and pretend like I’m steering. But, in the block that I had to make the hard decision while that leady shuffled across the blacktop, I decided to go for it. Hey, you only live once.
I don’t just see old people on my walks in the morning. Every once in a while I see this girl about my age come rushing out of her apartment building like she’s late. And every time I’ve seen her, she’s always fighting to quickly put on some article of clothing. Now, I’ve been late for things before (not lately because, I mean, what do I have to be late for?) But I’ve been late in the past and I’ve never, ever, rushed into the street half dressed. It just seems a bit rehearsed. It’s something that is a cliché in movies but never really happens in real life. And, frankly, when this girl does it, it seems as if she’s desperately trying to indicate that she has someplace very important to be, so important that she has little time to dress herself properly, but she’s soooo important and she really needs to get there now because if she doesn’t then the whole freaking world would implode in on itself and a super race of cream cheese sandwiches would rule over all of humanity for the rest of eternity!
I’m not sure if that’s exactly what she was going for, but that’s what I got. Listen girl, if you’re so important how come you can’t wake up five minutes earlier?! You’re just as bad as those people who come out of the restroom still buckling their belts! It’s gross for some irrational reason. But gross none the less! Besides, the neighbors don’t want to see your morning routine! No one is interested in the mundane details of your day! Um…
Why are there so many fake people in LA?!
In other news: I’ve finished the song that I was recording yesterday and I predict that “My 9 Volt Battery Baby” will be a huge hit!
Fun Fact: Chickens can travel up to 9 miles per hour. That is until you’re stuck behind them in traffic with somewhere to be, then they only seem to want to go about 6 ½!
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