Happy Halloween!

I was a voracious trick-or-treater. For a long time. I mean, all the way through high school. There are some people out there who say “a high school kid a little old to be trick-or-treating.”

I know. I met about 10 of them on the last Halloween that I ever went trick-or-treating.

Rude. Rude people. Can’t a 16-year-old get some free candy?! A high school kid is to old to go door-to-door and pick up some free chocolate?! Oh my! Trick-or-treating is for kids but put some free cubes of Salisbury steak in tiny paper cups at Costco and suddenly these same self-righteous jerks are like a bunch of kindergartners at snack time!

Okay, I’m still a little bitter. But those bastards left some scars. I’ve always gone out of my way to avoid any kind of humiliation. That includes dressing up at Halloween. The only reason I put myself out there like that was because of the candy. I was a fat kid who loved candy. Is that a crime?

(Come to think of it, the jerk adults might have mostly taken issue with my “costume.” But in all fairness, all it takes to be a bandit is a bandana, right? I mean, is there any other distinguishing article of clothing? Cowboy boots? Did bandits only exist in the old west? No. And, yes, that’s where I got the idea from for the Halloween short).

I say that the “adults” were jealous. And they had every right to be. I was having fun! I was getting free candy.

Free!

Candy!

So I’m telling you, no matter how old you are, you should go trick-or-treating. Go tonight. Don’t feel old.

Go.

If you don’t, you’ll never know the thrill of being told you’re a loser for wanting someone else to buy your candy for you.

Better yet, don’t dress up. Screw that. How many years have you been dressing up without going trick-or-treating? Office parties? Community block parties? Demonic orgies? Haven’t you dressed up enough? Haven’t you built up enough “candy equity” over the years? That’s right, you have. So get out there, explain to whomever answers the door what your philosophy is and get some candy!

The Anthropomorphic Cop says, “You’ve earned it.” Also, “look both ways before crossing the street and never steal another person’s candy bag, it’s not nice….and I’ll shoot you.”


Fun Fact: The Halloween episode is still online (and don’t forget that episode 5 of the sitcom is also terrifying!). Watch them! But start with the Halloween special “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Mason.”

Also, I did the research, but there are still two inaccuracies in the Halloween special. Can you find them? No, they have nothing to do with transvestites. And yes, a Gaff is a real thing. Look it up. Especially at work!