Friday, February 23, 2007

Movin’ and Shakin’

The other night Tanya, Kathy and myself had drinks with the producers of a great online comedy series called “The Burg.”

As you know, we’ve been producing an online sitcom called “Life From The Inside.” (Don’t worry. The website is coming very soon) So far, we haven’t been able to talk with anyone who’s doing what we’ve been doing. But all that changed on Wednesday.

I contacted the good people at The Burg to get some friendly advice on web hosting, video compression and other such sexy concerns. They were very helpful. They even suggested that since they were going to be in LA visiting with various Hollywood players they would like to meet and have drinks. Very cool of them.

It was nice to finally have someone to commiserate with on the finer points of web production. Especially ones who have had so much success. Here’s a link to their write-up in Wired Magazine.

They’re cool people and I just wanted to say thanks to Kathleen and Thom, wish them the best of luck and send you to see their show. Go to and watch, say “hi” or do…whatever. Just go and support independent online shows.

Plus, I figured that I should post since I’ve been neglecting this blog for far too long. But it’s all for a good cause. We shoot the final part of Episode 3 on Saturday. I should be done editing it in a few weeks. In the midst of that we’ll be shooting episode 4! Needless to say that as the editor, head writer, sound mixer, composer and color and compression guy, I’ll have my hands full for a while.

Fun Fact: If you haven’t already experienced Life From The Inside, head over to YouTube ( and search for “LFTI.”

It’ll change your life.*

*May not actually change anything.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Happy Birthday, Mom. Hey mom, Happy Birthday. Happy birthday to you, mom.

In case you haven’t guessed, it’s my mother’s birthday. She turns the big 3-0 today. Which is remarkable considering that I’m 33. Yep, my mom is 3 years younger than I am. I don’t know how that worked out. But who am I to question the mysteries of life? No one, that’s who.

Happy Birthday, mom.

Fun Fact: On February 15th 1977, my mom’s “birthday,” Sid Vicious replaced Glen Matlock as the bassist for the Sex Pistols.

That probably explains my mom has so damned many Sex pistols albums. But why does she have to play them so loud?!


Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Ralph is a Homosexual

It’s true. Just go to Steve’s website and click on the link in his latest post (“Boys Beware” is the link name). It’s an old “educational” film from the early 60s about the dangers of homosexuals.

Or is it about the dangers of pedophiles? Oh, what’s the difference? Hey, it’s the 60s! Pedophiles…homosexuals…they’re one and the same, pal.

I learned all sorts of really valuable things from the flick; Did you know that homosexuals hang out in public restrooms and under piers? That homosexuals may “appear to be normal” but are in fact “mentally ill?” That in the early 60s, there were a surprisingly large amount of adolescent hitchhikers?

I didn’t know these things until now. Sure, I was suspicious about the public restrooms, especially after that whole George Michael fiasco. But the pier?! No! I guess they’ve cleaned things up a bit since the Eisenhower era because the film was shot very close to my home and, nowadays, the undersides of piers around here seem to be generally homosexual-free.

See. No one. No homosexuals. Not even a transvestite, a single mother or an atheist!

Now, I can’t attest for what goes on under piers at night, but my guess is that the homosexuals stay clear. Too many homeless people and crack addicts. You can’t get your “homosexual” on with that kind of crowd milling around.

Go and check out the film. It’s high on style…and something else probably.

But we can’t be too harsh on the idiots who made this movie. They were only trying to do what they thought was best. And that was to equate homosexuality with child molestation. Sounds simple enough doesn’t it? Thank god we don’t do that sort of thing these days. We should be thankful that only a few people are still trying to paint gays as child-raping fiends. Most of us can just shake our heads at those poor, deluded morons and go about our business of weeding out every last Muslim in America. Goddamned terrorists!

But I digress.

Actually, this is the perfect time for me to talk to the gay community about those Snickers® ads that recently were yanked from the airwaves.

I am a huge supporter of gay rights. I think that gays should have every right that a straight person has. Marriage, adoption, iced blended mocha lat├ęs. But I’ve been disappointed at the reaction to those now infamously homophobic ads.

Not having done my research, I’m not sure which organization exactly put the pressure on Mars Inc. so I can’t target my frustration at them, but I think that a real opportunity has been missed here. Instead of a knee-jerk reaction to the commercials, I think perhaps a more thought out response would have been best.

In case you don’t know, in the commercial two mechanics share a Snickers® and accidentally “kiss®.” In their fervor to appear “manly®” (read not gay) they rip out their chest hair.

Why is this commercial funny (and I think it is)? Is it because gays are gross? No. It’s the fact that these two moron mechanics are so worried about looking “gay” that they’re willing to rip out their chest hair with their bare hands (hair-free chests do not equal “manly” by the way). We laugh at the fact that these idiots are so homophobic that they’re willing to suffer physical pain in order to not “be gay.”

I say to the gay community, leave the damned ads up so we can all laugh at the stupid homophobes.

Fun Fact: Hamburgers taste just like chopped up cow carcasses sandwiched between two pieces of bread.

That’s a fact.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Visions of the Future

I’m always asking myself, “who wouldn’t like to see into the future and witness personal glories yet to come?”

…Perhaps condemned people. You know, people who are going to die sometime in the future.


I’m always asking myself, ”who the hell would want to see into the future and witness their own grisly fate?”

Anyway, we shot the third episode of Life From The Inside (go to YouTube and search LFTI) over the past two weekends, which is one reason that I haven’t been updating this blog (sorry).

I wanted to give you a sneak peek of the episode, titled “*no substitutions.” But the pictures aren’t back from the set photographer yet (evidently, he would like to have more than a couple hours to sort through the hundreds of pictures he’s taken before I post them here for people to ignore. Man, what a prima donna.).

Luckily for you, one character in this episode wielded a camera and, as directed, snapped off a couple pictures during her scenes. So for your looking enjoyment, here are a few of the fantastic pictures she took while acting. In essence, these pictures are a virtual representation of what it's like to perform in a scene from the "hit" internet sitcom "Life From The Inside."

A preview of Episode 3. The future is now!

Fun Fact: Episode 3 is the episodes that never ends. We still have to shoot two scenes but we’re waiting for a couple weeks so that I can grow a beard.

I’ve actually been growing the beard for the last week also since I wasn’t in any scenes this past weekend. This’ll be good because it takes me about three weeks to grow a two-week beard.

Sometimes I feel like the world’s only physically adolescent thrity-something.

Puberty, come to me!

Friday, February 02, 2007

Bostonians Must Love Their Purell

At first, it seemed cute. But the more they stared at its tiny brain-boring lights and it’s contemptuous hand gesture, the more sinister it became. “Could this little alien thing be sent here to destroy us all?” thought the good people of the city of Boston. “After all, it seems to be everywhere and that can’t be good, right? Not after 9/11!”

You could almost hear the “/“ being pronounced as it ran through their heads. “9/11.” “9/11.”

Something had to be done. “Shut down the highways. Shut down the subways. Shut down the bridges. Shut down the damned river! Oh, and shut down the “Big Dig” too while you’re at it. Why the hell not? The people are used to that one anyway.

“But a lighted thing like this won’t go easily. It blinks! It’ll need to be blown up. It’s the only way to keep the people safe, isn’t it?

“What if the entire thing was a terrorist plot? A gruesomely genius terrorist plot to put blatantly obvious, Lite-Brite-type characters all over Boston and explode them at once in a hell-fire of Allah-loving, lite-brite hating jingoism? If you think about it, it’s really a brilliant plan. Americans loved Lite-Brite in the 70s. They’ll take these alien-things in and care for them and feed them fast food till they expand to enormous proportions just if they were their own children. That’s when the pain comes.

“Sure other cities have had these things put all over them too, but this is Boston. Boston isn’t like those other cities, willing to tempt fate. Boston isn’t Seattle. Boston isn’t Los Angeles. The day that Boston takes counterterrorism advice from those cities will a cold one in hell my friends. Seattle is nothing but a bunch of sandal-wearing, granola-eating hippies. And Los Angeles!? A bunch of…sandal-wearing, granola-eating hippies! Although people in Los Angeles at least have the decency not to wear socks with their sandals.”

But don’t get too down on Boston. They did the right thing, didn’t they? It’s better safe than sorry, isn’t it?


Boston is stupid.

But wait! Is that Andre?! And he has a posse! Nooooooo!

Shepard Fairey is the real terrorist.

In other news, go out and buy stock in Purell hand sanitizer. NBC ran a story this morning warning the nation that, if ingested, the slimy stuff can make people drunk.

It’s about to become very popular with teenagers. Especially since Purell is concentrated, making it far more potent per-ounce than regular liquor.

So, to the teens who insist on drinking Purell:

I know that it can taste “nizasty.” But why not try to spruce it up a little. A quick way to do this is by mixing your Purell with better tasting things.

Cool Mint Listerine, for one. It turns regular Purel into a refreshing Latin American cocktail. Like sitting on a beach in Cabo. Ole! Serve in a tall straight glass.

NyQuil. It comes in two fine flavors. Regular “green” NyQuil has an old-school robust flavor that can be mixed with Purell to be enjoyed by teens with a more “adult” palette. Serve in a martini glass. Cherry, or “red,” NyQuil is for the teen who just wants to have fun! Be warned, guys, this drink is mainly for “da la-dies.” If you’re the type of guy who doesn’t care what the others think of you, go ahead and give it a try. But I’d be willing to bet that you’re not that type of dude. You’re drinking Purell for chrissake. Serve in a rocks glass.

The ultimate Purell Purple Passion cocktail.

2 oz. Purell
2 oz. Pineapple Juice
1/2 oz. Cola
Splash of “red’ NyQuil
3oz. Dimetapp Elixer (Cold and Allergy formula)

Mix contents in a blender with ice. Blend until smooth. Serve in a hurricane glass. Garnish with Coricidin HPB. Insert “swirly straw” and take a trip to the tropics!

…Or the hospital. But look on the bright side, at least your guts will be pristine and germ free, your phlegm will be loose, your breath will have a nice grape and cherry taint and your “skittling” high won’t interact with your high blood pressure.

You da’ teen!

Fun Fact: We begin shooting the third episode of the sitcom tomorrow! That means that it should hit the web in about three months.

No, I’m kidding.


Oh, and most of the news organizations that I’ve seen have blurred the “finger” given by the “Boston Light Terror.”