Friday, February 02, 2007

Bostonians Must Love Their Purell

At first, it seemed cute. But the more they stared at its tiny brain-boring lights and it’s contemptuous hand gesture, the more sinister it became. “Could this little alien thing be sent here to destroy us all?” thought the good people of the city of Boston. “After all, it seems to be everywhere and that can’t be good, right? Not after 9/11!”

You could almost hear the “/“ being pronounced as it ran through their heads. “9/11.” “9/11.”

Something had to be done. “Shut down the highways. Shut down the subways. Shut down the bridges. Shut down the damned river! Oh, and shut down the “Big Dig” too while you’re at it. Why the hell not? The people are used to that one anyway.

“But a lighted thing like this won’t go easily. It blinks! It’ll need to be blown up. It’s the only way to keep the people safe, isn’t it?

“What if the entire thing was a terrorist plot? A gruesomely genius terrorist plot to put blatantly obvious, Lite-Brite-type characters all over Boston and explode them at once in a hell-fire of Allah-loving, lite-brite hating jingoism? If you think about it, it’s really a brilliant plan. Americans loved Lite-Brite in the 70s. They’ll take these alien-things in and care for them and feed them fast food till they expand to enormous proportions just if they were their own children. That’s when the pain comes.

“Sure other cities have had these things put all over them too, but this is Boston. Boston isn’t like those other cities, willing to tempt fate. Boston isn’t Seattle. Boston isn’t Los Angeles. The day that Boston takes counterterrorism advice from those cities will a cold one in hell my friends. Seattle is nothing but a bunch of sandal-wearing, granola-eating hippies. And Los Angeles!? A bunch of…sandal-wearing, granola-eating hippies! Although people in Los Angeles at least have the decency not to wear socks with their sandals.”

But don’t get too down on Boston. They did the right thing, didn’t they? It’s better safe than sorry, isn’t it?


Boston is stupid.

But wait! Is that Andre?! And he has a posse! Nooooooo!

Shepard Fairey is the real terrorist.

In other news, go out and buy stock in Purell hand sanitizer. NBC ran a story this morning warning the nation that, if ingested, the slimy stuff can make people drunk.

It’s about to become very popular with teenagers. Especially since Purell is concentrated, making it far more potent per-ounce than regular liquor.

So, to the teens who insist on drinking Purell:

I know that it can taste “nizasty.” But why not try to spruce it up a little. A quick way to do this is by mixing your Purell with better tasting things.

Cool Mint Listerine, for one. It turns regular Purel into a refreshing Latin American cocktail. Like sitting on a beach in Cabo. Ole! Serve in a tall straight glass.

NyQuil. It comes in two fine flavors. Regular “green” NyQuil has an old-school robust flavor that can be mixed with Purell to be enjoyed by teens with a more “adult” palette. Serve in a martini glass. Cherry, or “red,” NyQuil is for the teen who just wants to have fun! Be warned, guys, this drink is mainly for “da la-dies.” If you’re the type of guy who doesn’t care what the others think of you, go ahead and give it a try. But I’d be willing to bet that you’re not that type of dude. You’re drinking Purell for chrissake. Serve in a rocks glass.

The ultimate Purell Purple Passion cocktail.

2 oz. Purell
2 oz. Pineapple Juice
1/2 oz. Cola
Splash of “red’ NyQuil
3oz. Dimetapp Elixer (Cold and Allergy formula)

Mix contents in a blender with ice. Blend until smooth. Serve in a hurricane glass. Garnish with Coricidin HPB. Insert “swirly straw” and take a trip to the tropics!

…Or the hospital. But look on the bright side, at least your guts will be pristine and germ free, your phlegm will be loose, your breath will have a nice grape and cherry taint and your “skittling” high won’t interact with your high blood pressure.

You da’ teen!

Fun Fact: We begin shooting the third episode of the sitcom tomorrow! That means that it should hit the web in about three months.

No, I’m kidding.


Oh, and most of the news organizations that I’ve seen have blurred the “finger” given by the “Boston Light Terror.”


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