Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Ralph is a Homosexual

It’s true. Just go to Steve’s website and click on the link in his latest post (“Boys Beware” is the link name). It’s an old “educational” film from the early 60s about the dangers of homosexuals.

Or is it about the dangers of pedophiles? Oh, what’s the difference? Hey, it’s the 60s! Pedophiles…homosexuals…they’re one and the same, pal.

I learned all sorts of really valuable things from the flick; Did you know that homosexuals hang out in public restrooms and under piers? That homosexuals may “appear to be normal” but are in fact “mentally ill?” That in the early 60s, there were a surprisingly large amount of adolescent hitchhikers?

I didn’t know these things until now. Sure, I was suspicious about the public restrooms, especially after that whole George Michael fiasco. But the pier?! No! I guess they’ve cleaned things up a bit since the Eisenhower era because the film was shot very close to my home and, nowadays, the undersides of piers around here seem to be generally homosexual-free.

See. No one. No homosexuals. Not even a transvestite, a single mother or an atheist!

Now, I can’t attest for what goes on under piers at night, but my guess is that the homosexuals stay clear. Too many homeless people and crack addicts. You can’t get your “homosexual” on with that kind of crowd milling around.

Go and check out the film. It’s high on style…and something else probably.

But we can’t be too harsh on the idiots who made this movie. They were only trying to do what they thought was best. And that was to equate homosexuality with child molestation. Sounds simple enough doesn’t it? Thank god we don’t do that sort of thing these days. We should be thankful that only a few people are still trying to paint gays as child-raping fiends. Most of us can just shake our heads at those poor, deluded morons and go about our business of weeding out every last Muslim in America. Goddamned terrorists!

But I digress.

Actually, this is the perfect time for me to talk to the gay community about those Snickers® ads that recently were yanked from the airwaves.

I am a huge supporter of gay rights. I think that gays should have every right that a straight person has. Marriage, adoption, iced blended mocha latés. But I’ve been disappointed at the reaction to those now infamously homophobic ads.

Not having done my research, I’m not sure which organization exactly put the pressure on Mars Inc. so I can’t target my frustration at them, but I think that a real opportunity has been missed here. Instead of a knee-jerk reaction to the commercials, I think perhaps a more thought out response would have been best.

In case you don’t know, in the commercial two mechanics share a Snickers® and accidentally “kiss®.” In their fervor to appear “manly®” (read not gay) they rip out their chest hair.

Why is this commercial funny (and I think it is)? Is it because gays are gross? No. It’s the fact that these two moron mechanics are so worried about looking “gay” that they’re willing to rip out their chest hair with their bare hands (hair-free chests do not equal “manly” by the way). We laugh at the fact that these idiots are so homophobic that they’re willing to suffer physical pain in order to not “be gay.”

I say to the gay community, leave the damned ads up so we can all laugh at the stupid homophobes.

Fun Fact: Hamburgers taste just like chopped up cow carcasses sandwiched between two pieces of bread.

That’s a fact.

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