Have a Swingin' Christmas

And a very, very, very hap'nin New Year!

Here's a little video that we (Katr Producer-type-people) made for the holidays. Just some extra split screen fun. Since the Amber Turnipseed video was such a blast to make, we decided to do another in a similar vein (we won the Turnipseed competition by the way).

Hope you like it!



Happy Holidays!

You can also see the video on YouTube. Please feel free to rate and comment! it would be the perfect Christmas gift!


Fun Fact: This song was recorded by Tanya and myself for our 2004 Christmas Album titled "Tanya and Robb; the Greatest Holiday Songs Ever Written...by them this year."

Look for it at record stores everywhere!

Seriously, keep your eye out. If you see a copy of this album in a record store, let me know because that record store is breaking the law!

My Grandma

My Grandmother passed away yesterday.

She was a wonderful woman.

I’ll confess to you that I didn’t know her all that well. I haven’t seen her in a long time. She lived in Florida. But all the memories that I have of her are of a woman who was always kind, warm and loving.

I got to see her a lot more when I was a kid. Every summer my dad would take us on a road trip from West Virginia to Florida (or Georgia, depending on where she lived at the time). Mostly, I remember her from her Tallahassee days.

For me, when I was young, Tallahassee was a few things:

It was the capital of Florida (still is, though that’s not a very personal association, but true nonetheless).

Tallahassee was a couple weeks spent sneaking into a condo complex near my grandparent’s home so that us kids could swim for free (one time my sister did a belly flop off the diving board at one of the three pools in the complex (the “no kids” pool if memory serves), the sheer force of which, doubtlessly aided by ignoring the 30-minute rule of eating and swimming, caused her to vomit. On dark days I am still haunted by the image of beanie-weenies bobbing in chlorinated water. An unnatural sight. 1000 parts water, 20 parts chlorine and one can of condensed soup situated strategically under the diving board, waiting to ensnare any hapless idiot who didn’t look before he leapt. My dad’s solution to this particular dilemma was to just have us quietly leave that pool and go another one in the complex.)

Tallahassee was morning walks with my grandpa to get the paper (and, if I was lucky, stop off at McDonalds).

Tallahassee was a huge old tree. The oldest tree in the city (at least from what I remember). Just around the corner from my grandparent’s house. Dripping with Spanish moss.

But Tallahassee was mostly my grandma. And food. Not that I could ever separate the two. Grandma was food. Great food. Southern food. Comfort food.

A child’s palate isn’t very sophisticated. Hell, I used to put sugar on my frosted flakes. But even I knew that my Grandma was one hell of a cook. I remember cornbread. I remember some dishes that I couldn’t for the life of me tell you what they were. But they were delicious. I have an August birthday, and we would end up in Tallahassee for more than a few of them (I had one in a caboose at McDonalds!), so I remember a lot of cake. Fantastic cake.

I’ve always been a little curious about cooking. Probably because I like to eat so much (I especially did when I was a kid). One time I asked my Grandma to show me how to cook something.

Grandma taught me how to fry grits. Yes, she was that southern.

It’s not a huge trick to fry grits. You basically take any leftover grits that you have (or make a new batch specifically for the purpose, but what’s the fun in that?), press them flat in a pan and put the pan in the fridge until the grits congeal into a pasty substance. Once the grits have reached the consistency of set mortar, cut the grits into small bricks and fry them in butter until they’re golden brown and heated through. Serve with maple syrup.

If that description didn’t get your mouth watering, you’ve obviously never had them. They’re simple, warm, surprisingly fantastic and entirely comforting.

Just like my Grandma.

Like I said, my Grandma was food. She was her own food. And if you ever had the unparalleled pleasure of eating any of the dishes that my Grandma prepared, you would know that there is no better compliment than that.

I’ll miss you, Grandma.

I love you.

ROBB

Some News

Hey, I’m back from Washington State and family fun. I only gained 8 lbs, so I’m back to where I started! Yeah! Anyway, I have some news involving the sitcom and since I already posted it over at the LFTI blog and my blogging fingers are tired (both of them)…

A repost from the LFTI Blog (written by me):

Hello Lifties, Robb here to tell you that it’s been an exciting Thanksgiving season. Is there a Thanksgiving season? I hope so since I said there was earlier (see above) and I hate to look like an idiot (not that it doesn’t happen all the time, but I don’t have to like it!) If not, it doesn’t matter since it’s over now.

All that aside, we’ve been featured on YouTube! That’s right the YouTube! “But, Robb” you say, “I’ve been to YouTube thousands of times over the Thanksgiving holiday break in order to get away from my family and especially creepy uncle Ted who keeps insisting that the 60s sexual revolution never really died – almost too adamantly – and I haven’t seen LFTI featured on the front page at all.”

Well, first I’d reply “why do you use such long rambling sentences when you speak?” and then I’d tell you that you’re right. We haven’t been featured on the front page…yet. The front page of YouTube is still pretty much reserved for Weblebrities, sleepy pets and Canadian music videos. But we have been featured on the “Entertainment” page. It’s in the “Catagories” section. It’s behind a yellow dumpster at the back of an ally just off the secondary road to the main highway of…look, why don’t I just give you the link:

http://youtube.com/categories_portal?c=24&e=1


There, now you can find it.

Please, feel free to go to the Episode 4 (Part 1 of 3) page and rate it! Comment too! We could use all the support we can get. Episode 3 has already been featured and we got some nice comments. But as with everything on the Internet, there are those who like to show the world just how insipid they can be. So why not go to the page and show everyone that our viewers can actually string a proper sentence together (you don’t have to spell correctly though, just pretend that you’re a nice foreigner).

Here’s Episode 4 (Part 1 of 3):

http://youtube.com/watch?v=HCPGUMho56o

We also have entered the Break a Leg “Very First Contest” Contest with our own special love letter to Amber Turnipseed.

Confused? Maybe this’ll clear things up:




That didn’t really help much did it? No. But it is cute right? Sure it is. As LeVar Burton used to say on Reading Rainbow, “But don’t take my word for it.”

Here’s an article from Tilzy.tv to back up my claim:

Tilzy.tv article about the contest.

Okay, they didn’t say it was “cute” per se, but what do you want from me?! They liked it! And if you like it too, go ahead and comment and rate it on YouTube.

“But, Robb” you say again, asking too many questions, “I need a YouTube account to rate and comment don’t I? Won’t I look stupid having an account since I don’t make videos?”

Well, yes you do need an account. And no, you won't look stupid. The simple fact is that most people who have YouTube accounts don’t actually make videos. Actually, I’ve found that the ones who don’t make videos like to criticize the harshest and yell the loudest. So why not become a non-video-making commenter with a conscience? Turn this ship around? You can do it! It’s easy. Nice people rarely look stupid.

Anyway, that’s the news from here. I’m working on the music for Episode 6, we have another short in the works and we’re starting pre-production on Episode 7! Look for all that soon, but not too soon, we have to keep up standards around here. Rugbnumba8 had this to say “this is absolutely the worst acting i have ever seen. ive seen better acting in my high school plays.” And Bubutkin commented, “Slapstick shtick. I didn't know or care about any of the characters in it. Totally overacted. What was the story even about?” (note to Bubutkin: I'm sorry that our sitcom wasn't serious enough for you. Maybe we'll have someone contract AIDS in the second season?)

Don’t you think it’s time you added your two cents (neither of those guys make videos either)?

I do have a question though, what the hell happened to Rugbnumbas 1 through 7? Was that screen name really so popular that this jackass had to settle for being #8? Is there a Japanese cartoon out there that I don’t know about?

Hmmm.

ROBB (TAM)

Happy Halloween!

I was a voracious trick-or-treater. For a long time. I mean, all the way through high school. There are some people out there who say “a high school kid a little old to be trick-or-treating.”

I know. I met about 10 of them on the last Halloween that I ever went trick-or-treating.

Rude. Rude people. Can’t a 16-year-old get some free candy?! A high school kid is to old to go door-to-door and pick up some free chocolate?! Oh my! Trick-or-treating is for kids but put some free cubes of Salisbury steak in tiny paper cups at Costco and suddenly these same self-righteous jerks are like a bunch of kindergartners at snack time!

Okay, I’m still a little bitter. But those bastards left some scars. I’ve always gone out of my way to avoid any kind of humiliation. That includes dressing up at Halloween. The only reason I put myself out there like that was because of the candy. I was a fat kid who loved candy. Is that a crime?

(Come to think of it, the jerk adults might have mostly taken issue with my “costume.” But in all fairness, all it takes to be a bandit is a bandana, right? I mean, is there any other distinguishing article of clothing? Cowboy boots? Did bandits only exist in the old west? No. And, yes, that’s where I got the idea from for the Halloween short).

I say that the “adults” were jealous. And they had every right to be. I was having fun! I was getting free candy.

Free!

Candy!

So I’m telling you, no matter how old you are, you should go trick-or-treating. Go tonight. Don’t feel old.

Go.

If you don’t, you’ll never know the thrill of being told you’re a loser for wanting someone else to buy your candy for you.

Better yet, don’t dress up. Screw that. How many years have you been dressing up without going trick-or-treating? Office parties? Community block parties? Demonic orgies? Haven’t you dressed up enough? Haven’t you built up enough “candy equity” over the years? That’s right, you have. So get out there, explain to whomever answers the door what your philosophy is and get some candy!

The Anthropomorphic Cop says, “You’ve earned it.” Also, “look both ways before crossing the street and never steal another person’s candy bag, it’s not nice….and I’ll shoot you.”


Fun Fact: The Halloween episode is still online (and don’t forget that episode 5 of the sitcom is also terrifying!). Watch them! But start with the Halloween special “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Mason.”

Also, I did the research, but there are still two inaccuracies in the Halloween special. Can you find them? No, they have nothing to do with transvestites. And yes, a Gaff is a real thing. Look it up. Especially at work!

You Say You Want a Resolution

Well, you know…we all want to change the world.

[Okay, up front, I stole this post from the LFTI blog. But I wrote it so I felt like I could. I'm a lazy blogger.]

It turns out that resolution(s) are not just for the New Year, because last time I checked, it was still October (although, as old as I am now, I’ll blink and it’ll be August again).

I suppose my point here is that…we have added “Hi-Resolution” versions of every episode! Yeah! Now, when you subscribe to iTunes, you won’t have to sit and watch crappy recomressed files!

(Okay, I just want to take a second here to let you know that we do indeed have a proper iTunes page now! I was afraid that they’d let us twist in the wind, but they didn’t. Good ‘ol Apple. Maybe they’d feature us if they knew that we do the entire show on a Mac? I dunno. But I wanted to say that you can subscribe to us through the iTunes store now. We’re under Podcasts/Comedy. Just search for “Life From The Inside.” You may have to look closely, but we’re there! Although Episode 4 seems to be missing at the moment...)(Right, back to the post)

Yes, thanks to blip.tv (seriously, one of the best sites on the Internet. Go there and give them some love – and tell them to feature us!) we now have super-high quality versions of each and every episode.

I can’t stress enough how different your viewing experience will be when you watch the hi-resolution files. You’ll notice stuff like subtle facial expressions, set decorations…actors.

Gone are the days of feeling like you’re watching our show in a Saharan sand storm. Say “goodbye” to tinny, indiscernible musical cues and lines. Say “hello” to the era of noticing audio edits, boom shadows and crap that we accidentally forget to remove from the kitchen.

Yes, the videos are that high quality. But don’t let the boom shadows frighten you, the show is – dare I say – 200 times more enjoyable when you can see stuff (that’s a scientifically proven fact…trust me…don’t research it).

The files have not been changed for episode 5, but episodes 1-4 are new and looking great. They’re also looking huge. So when you click on the “watch in hi-resolution” button on the respective episode’s page, give it a moment to load before you watch. I case you forget we’ve included a gentle reminder on each page.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that there is a new feature on lifefromtheinside.com.

Quality.

I’ll leave you with some thumbnails that I made to upload to blip.tv. They’re tiny on Blip, so I figured I’d show you a few here. I did make them after all, you might as well look at them.

ROBB








TAM's “Mason Moment” brought to you by Life From The Inside:

My computer wants me to capitalize the word “Internet.” I’m sure it’s proper. Why would my computer lie? But I’m not very comfortable with the idea. At best, it makes me feel like the Internet is a person or a proper place (Like “The Louvre” not like “the bathroom”), at worst, it makes me feel like I should worship it.

Maybe I’d feel better if we stopped capitalizing “God?” Maybe we should stop capitalizing the Louvre while we’re at it…or people’s names. Don’t people have big enough egos already?

Damn you Internet! Who do you think you are anyway? Free porn does not a deity make, pal.

It’s the Great Pumpkin, Kids!

Halloween is nipping at our heels…no, wait, Halloween can’t be nipping at our heels right? That would insinuate that it was coming up on us from behind, wouldn’t it?

Halloween is nipping at our…noses. Like Jack Frost. But instead of just taking a little nibble, Halloween wants to eat your face off!

Let’s just say that Halloween is almost here. There. That works for me.


And is there a better way to celebrate one of the best and most demonic (unrelated) holidays then by making a short special for internet distribution? No. There is no better way to celebrate this holiday. If the only thing you do to celebrate is dress up in a costume and give out candy, then you’re lame, sir. Lame.

Okay, I shouldn’t get so down on you. Especially since I would like you to watch LFTI’s Halloween special “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Mason!” It’s showing on better browsers everywhere! You can see it here.

And don't forget to watch it in "Hi-Resolution." Just click on the link when you get to the page!

We actually shot this short sometime in early-to-mid July. Not very “Octobery” I know. But a necessity. Let’s just say that it was very hot. Very, very hot. It reminded me why we don’t have Halloween in the summertime. No one wants to wear a complicated costume in the summer. I mean, apart from Live Action Role Playing Gamers. But they’re a little bizarre anyway.

We had one special guest star for this short. A very special guest star indeed. The irrepressible Zoe Archer. She’s a published novelist! Check out her stuff on Amazon.com. We cast her because she is a published novelist and not because she is short. Author, yes. Short, no. (You should definitely pick up a copy of Lady X’s Cowboy. It’ll enhance your enjoyment of a short that we will be releasing in the future…okay, the short doesn’t have much to do with the novel, but the book does play a major role).

Anyway, go and check out the new short. While you’re there, if you find yourself saying “man, this is a well functioning page that this short is hosted on” – and I’m sure you will – I just wanted to let you know that I made it. Yes, I have taken up website maintenance. I can copy and paste like a mo-fo.


Fun Fact: Someday, someone will come up to you and say “Don’t be a pansy, it doesn’t hurt that much to be pelted with eggs. They’re eggs! How badly could they hurt?”

The answer is…they hurt plenty.

That’s a fact.

It's Alive!

There’s Big Doin’s around here!

Well, maybe not around here. But over at lifefromtheinside.com there’s big doin’s.

Some of you may have already discovered that episode 5 is online. But it really hasn’t been “official” just yet. We never put it on the website. Why? Because we were waiting for the new and super-duper-spectacularly-improved website to go up!

And it’s up!

Here are a couple screenshots to whet your appetite.




Doesn’t that make you want to go there?

So why not take a minute to got to lifefromtheinside.com and poke around. If you’ve already seen our fabulous new episode (episode 5), and all of our other episodes for that matter, then just wander and look at the sights. Like a tourist. Don’t forget your camera.

The new website is by our great friend and web diva Lauren. You could take some time out and go to her site as well. Let her know what a great job she’s done.

If you haven’t seen all of our episodes, then watch them for crying out loud!

The new site has many exciting features. The most exciting being that you can now watch a “high resolution” version of our shows (well, Episode 5 anyway…the others aren’t up just yet). Just click on “Episode 5” on the “episodes” page and then click on the “watch in hi-resolution” link. A popup will be your window to higher quality, stereo goodness.

Also, I’ve included a new banner to the sidebar of this blog to direct people to the sitcom. Why not click on it and see if it works?!

The new website also includes a blog. The old website had a blog too, we just didn’t ever use it. But we will now. I promise. There are also comments for each section of each episode. Don’t be afraid to use them.

Exciting!


Fun Fact: Adam and I started cutting together another short last night. I don’t want to give anything away but, lately, I’ve been trying to learn how to play the piano like Vince Guaraldi (not an easy task, especially since I seem to be woefully uncoordinated).

It will be up in time for Halloween!

Prepare for a Scare

I’ve resorted to rhyming. But there’s nothing better than a trite rhyme to excite an audience, is there?

Well, perhaps.

But the fact of the matter is that Episode 5 of “Life From The Inside” is almost here! That’s right! The wait is “almost” over!

What can you expect, you ask? Mayhem. Mostly mayhem. Almost complete mayhem, as it turns out.

This episode is slightly different in feel than the previous episodes. Due mostly to the fact that it’s completely horrifying! And not just because I’m fat in the episode, although that is pretty horrifying.

This episode is best viewed with the lights out. As is, coincidentally, my physique.

We shot this episode exclusively at night, which is why – from time to time – we look exhausted. Three overnight shoots. There’s something about burning the midnight oil that appeals to me. Maybe it’s because I usually go to bed at 10:00. Staying up late makes me feel like a super-rebel. A super-rebel or a degenerate. Take your pick. They’re both cool.

Here’s a preview of things to come (in crappy screen capture form):












Pretty tantalizing eh? And scary!

A Catholic priest? Guy’s weird face? Eric strangling Jennifer? A weird little dude wearing striped pants? Kate and Ashleigh getting their respective grooves on? And is Mason cuddling with Jennifer on the sofa?

What a tease.

When will the episode be available to view? Soon. Very, very soon. The “official” announcement is forthcoming. In the meantime, have some patience. And whatever you do, don’t look at the “episodes menu bar on the right side of the page.” Don’t do it! There’s nothing to officially see there!

Why not visit the website and sigh? That sounds fun.

I’ve been working on some musical extras for lifefromtheinside.com. Maybe those will be up soon? Some music from the Grocery Delivery Dude short and Episode 5, as well as the full version of the song “Dream Girl” from Episode 4! Fun!


Fun Fact: Tonight is the night that Tanya, Vince and I go to Knott’s Scary Farm with the master of macabre (theme parks) Stephen (see weird little dude wearing striped pants above)!

It’s going to be great! If you haven’t gone to Knott’s Scary Farm…go. You’re missing out if you don’t.

The End is Near

There are a few things by which you can measure your life. Milestones. Unseen flags planted along a curving path that, once crossed, let you know that a distance has been traveled.

Birth. (a gimme really)

Driver’s license.

Porn movie rental.

Legally purchased Mad Dog 20/20. (and subsequent government sanctioned hangover)

College graduation.

30.

Yesterday, I crossed another of these milestones.

I was sitting at my desk here at home, editing episode 5 of the sitcom (check out episodes 1-4 at lifefromtheinside.com), when I got wind of the distinct scent of burning sulfur. Seeing as how I don’t life anywhere near an oil refinery, I was a bit concerned. My first thought whenever I smell anything that smells even slightly “fiery” is always that something has—well—caught fire. My imagination immediately begins to conjure up images of the building ablaze. A wall of flame threatening my neighbors, their only hope; my heroic action, my superior sulfur-sniffing schnoz.

But when I got to my front window to check it out, all I found were two kids sitting on the bottom of my steps.

I could tell they were up to no good; they had all the telltale signs of being 10-year-old punks:

1) They were 10 years old.

2) They were kids.

3) They both had that 10-year-old punk-ass haircut. You know the hair I’m talking about. I call it the “Blond Boy-Princess Cut.” Highlights and shine that a tween pop diva would stop purging for. They looked like they just got fired off their stunt-double jobs on “The Suite Life of Zach and Cody.” Hair that says “I’m a bad-ass motherfucker” to other kids, too young to appreciate the irony.

I really knew they were dumbshits when I saw the bigger of the two toss a spent stink bomb into the street (I knew I recognized that smell!). I watched them for a little while longer as they threw some other crap into my driveway, had some inane—yet dramatic—convo and fired off some text messages on their Sidekick. (Seriously, why the hell do 10-year-olds need a freaking Sidekick?!)

Finally, the bigger one produced a blue marker from his pocket and I needed a cigarette.

I stood downstairs in my driveway and talked to Tanya on the phone. The kids stayed put at the bottom of the stairs. I half watched them. I should have busted them for throwing garbage into my driveway, but I hate confrontation, even if I’m twice the size of both of them out together. So I decided to relax about it.

I hung up with Tanya and headed back upstairs. The kids graciously move two inches each to let me by.

That’s when I saw it.

The little shit had tagged my bottom step!

I stood behind them for a few moments weighing my legal options before saying anything. These days you have to. You just can’t go around disciplining other people’s kids anymore. In fact, you should probably think twice before talking to them.

But when they felt my contempt busting a hole in the backs of their heads, they slowly turned around.

“Hey, why don’t you clean that shit off my step?”

And with that utterance, I entered a new chapter in my life. The chapter that begins: “I’ll have the strained peas please.”

I’m officially an old man.

I know I’ve said that before, but this time it’s indisputable. Because I didn’t just say “hey, why don’t you clean that shit off my step.”

I stood there while the kid did it.

Albeit, not without a fight.

“I didn’t do that!”

“Yes you did, I saw the blue marker in your pocket. Blue writing. Blue marker. I cracked the code.”

“I didn’t, but if you insist on blaming me, I’ll clean it up.”

“Dude,” I said dude. I may be an old man, but I’m not going quietly, damnit! “Dude, I’m not an idiot. Just clean the shit off my stairs. This place is a big enough shithole without you writing all over it.” I swore a lot just to let the kids know that I’m cool as hell. Because that’s oh so very important.

So the kid grabbed the nearby hose, while I and his princess-boy buddy watched, and he scrubbed the writing off the step with his shirtsleeve.

“Okay, that’s good enough.” There was still some blue left but not much. After all, why humiliate the kid any further because of some blue stains when the owners are barely keeping the entire staircase safe enough to walk on in the first place?

And with a hearty, “Now get the hell out of here.” It was done.

Am I a hypocrite? I had no respect for other people’s property. I tagged crap when I was a kid (with un-washable spray paint! I blame the movie “Beat Street”).

But you know why I stopped? Because some old, out-of-touch, killjoy fucker yelled at me for it.

To everything turn, turn, turn...

My hip hurts.


Fun Fact: When I was 10, my friends and I decided to make a fort—on the roof of the Public Library. When the cops showed up to bust us, we ran and hid in an ally.

The only problem was that the ally was right behind the police station.

Kids are dumb.



This picture is an artists rendering of the actual library mentioned above. Why no real picture, you ask? Well, this is the only one I could find online. Evidently, they don’t trust cameras in Wheeling, WV. They think they steal your “coal.”

They are a confused and superstitious coalmining people.

I Remember When You Could Get a Loaf of Bread for a White Lie

Those were the days. When groceries were affordable and journalism was had integrity.

Of course, I’m not really talking about journalism, I’m talking about Dateline NBC. When it’s not driving would-be perverts to suicide, the news magazine exploits human misery in other ways. Things like murder “mysteries.” Usually on a smaller scale (unless a disenfranchised student goes on a killing spree, or it’s the anniversary of a disenfranchised student’s killing spree).

It can be somewhat entertaining, often terrifying, but I don’t remember it being so damned “hard boiled.”

As I was brushing my teeth last night, getting ready for bed (yes, I go to sleep at 10; I’m 34 years old now!), Dateline was on my TV. I was too lazy to turn the channel after Last Comic Standing ended (They sent home Matt Kirshen! That kid was funny, damnit).

Dateline was doing a story about a polo player who disappeared in The Philippines or something. This was the way the voice-over described Southeast Asia:

“It’s like opening the door to a very dark world where the currency is…betrayal.”

The currency is betrayal?

I’m sure the story went on to discuss some business dealing gone horribly wrong. But before that statement was uttered on the show, the reporter had been talking about the victim’s alleged Asian extramarital affair. So the fact that The Philippines’ currency is betrayal seemed to me like a bit of a non sequitur. (Unless the guy was planning to trade his affair for a new car.)

Southeast Asia; where the currency is betrayal.

Southeast Asia, where they barter in misery, prepare food with revenge (and fish sauce) and floss their teeth with treason.

I’m sure they were going for an edgy feel to the “story.” But don’t the writers on these shows get paid well? The reporters don’t write the copy do they? It’s possible that whoever wrote this is practicing for their new pulp fiction novel.

“The Philippines; a place where a reporter can get a cup of joe, but shouldn’t be surprised if it growls at him. Where the jungles are steamy but the dames are steamier. Where pennies on the dollar can get you a night on the town, but can’t buy your dignity.”

They might as well write that stuff. Then they wouldn’t have to fill the story up with inane drivel like this:

“John Elwin loved polo like he loved life.”

And exact quote from the top of the broadcast. But what does that mean? I wish they would have said, “John Elwin played polo like he lived his life.” Then I could have added “…straddling a large mammal.” But they didn’t. They went for the even more vague statement.

Did John Elwin love polo like he loved his life? Will we ever know? He’s dead…I assume…I didn’t watch the whole thing. And can we trust the people who knew him best to tell us? He was having an affair that he kept secret from everyone after all.

Who cares?

Not me.

But we should expect more from our journalists, shouldn’t we? They’ve gotten horribly lazy. Someone should start a letter writing campaign to stop these lazy hacks.

Let me know how it goes.


Fun Fact: The Philippines’ actual currency is the Philippine Peso. And the exchange rate is high. You can get a lot of pesos for a dollar, but even that’s not enough to buy back your soul.

Quit Your Clowning!

It’s official, another of the world’s most selfish people has been saved by a fertilized egg.

Nicole Ritchie is pregnant (no, she’s probably not having a creepy Ronald McDonald baby…although, if she does, my suspicions will be confirmed). And she’s taking responsibility for her drunken indiscretions. She now sees the error of her ways. She has been made newly aware that she has a responsibility to others.

And all it took was for her to lose her period.

Well, I’m sure she lost her period a while before she was pregnant. But this time the loss of menses was due to a baby-ish thing squirming inside her and not due to her 15-calorie-a-day diet.

Nicole isn’t the first person to have this revelation. A remarkable amount of celebs have had had similar ones. Even the non-infamous are privy to an impregnation-induced epiphany. It’s as if the spermatozoa penetrate not only the egg, but the decision-making centers of the brain as well.

But before we launch the “this is your brain…this is your brain on sperm” campaign, let me be clear that I’m talking about men here as well. In a man’s case, it could possibly be argued that the release of sperm makes them better people.

You hear that ladies? The next time you go poking around at your significant other’s browser history, remember, he’s doing it for the common good!

But let’s not talk anymore about ejaculate. In fact, let’s forget that I typed the word “ejaculate” at all.

It’s not my point.

My point is that a pregnancy has a great number of life altering effects. It can make a person sleepier, fatter, jumpier, “stretchmarkier,” poorer and – more importantly – better.

It’s the last one that I’m interested in. Although, ladies, I am interested in what it feels like to be kicked from the inside. Is it as creepy as it sounds?

But, no, I’m staying on topic here. Lets talk about how bringing a child into the world makes someone a better person.

(Author’s note: No. Tanya is not pregnant, mom.)

I’ve never understood how having a child can make a person better. I can understand how a kid can make a person more careful. I can see how a baby can make a person more patient.

But not “better.”

Let’s take Nicole again as an extreme example. I know that your typical mom isn’t a drunk-driving, coke-snorting multimillionaire celebrity socialite. But take Nicole anyway…please! Oh, the humor. My sides, my sides.

Before Nicole got pregnant, she couldn’t see how she was at all responsible to the people around here. At least not the people who weren’t immediately around her. The general public that is to say.

But now that there’s a Nicole Ritchie/Joel Madden hybrid sloshing around somewhere near her small intestines, the world has been shown in a whole new light. She is going to be more responsible because…well because…

Let’s examine that, shall we?

Nicole used to be a careless debutante who saw the people of the world as nothing but an ATM, traffic and congestion. Something to get in her way and pay her rent. But now there’s a baby involved. She can no longer be the selfish woman that she once was. Why?

She has learned that it’s important for her to be a responsible person. She is responsible to…her baby. Her actions have a direct effect on…her baby. She wants to be a positive influence and make the world a better place…for her baby.

Pardon me if I seem a bit skeptical about Nicole’s sincerity.

Seems to me that saying you’re going to be less selfish in regard to the world around you just because you had a baby is a bit like saying:

“I used to set fire to a condo complex down the street about once a week. It was fun watching all those homes burn. But then I bought a unit there. That’s when I decided that what I was doing might not be the best idea.”

Being forced to be a better person doesn’t seem like the greatest act of benevolence to me. You wouldn’t say that a serial killer on death row is a good man now simply because he hasn’t killed anyone in the 20 years he’s been locked up, would you?

Am I being unreasonable here? Is it possible that Nicole is striving to be a better person now because she finally has learned what it’s like to truly love another person, therefore making it possible for her to develop a sense of empathy toward humankind in general? Maybe. Sad. But maybe.

And does it matter that Nicole has hopelessly selfish reasons for being less selfish?

Do the ends justify the means?

And should the city of New York be able to tell Nicole that her baby can’t drink formula in their hospitals?

Like that? Like how I changed the subject there?

Man, we’re not losing our civil liberties…we’re giving ‘em away.


Fun Fact: My Apple keyboard is driving me nuts! The space bar sticks on the right side. And I keep inadvertently hitting the caps lock key. Why does this keyboard suck so much? I paid a lot of money for it! And why can’t I type right?!






Help me, Mavis Beacon!


You too, Steve Jobs.

Kwik-E

So, there’s this high-pitched ring coming from the carport of the newly-built condos next door. It’s some kind of alarm. For the last two nights, it’s started its horrible ringing at around 3am and continued until morning. We are forced to shut our bedroom window in a vein attempt to drown out the maddening sound.

It’s 9:40am now and it’s still going.

Six separate families live in that condo complex. Each of which have to go into the carport in order to get into their cars and go to work. It seems that they’re all newly unemployed, because not one person has turned off the alarm.

One family opened their huge-ass garage-door-turned-patio-door thing and sat out on their little balcony for a while. The entire time being serenaded by the worst sound created by man.

They did nothing.

I fear that the neighbors are mentally handicapped. Of course, I suspected that when they dropped $700,000 for a condo that has a breathtaking view of my bedroom window. But now I’m almost certain.

So, let’s stop talking about them. Let’s talk about the Kwik-E-Mart.

As you may already know, as a promotion for the upcoming Simpson’s Movie, a handful of 7-11 stores around the country have converted to Kwik-E-Marts. There are 12 in the United States.

What you may not know is that Tanya and I live about 7 blocks from one of them.






Since we both love the Simpsons and since the Kwik-E-Mart is so close, we had to go for a visit. Even my severe misanthropy wasn’t going to stop that.

Our first attempt was a bust. There was a line around the block to get in. And I wasn’t about to wait in line to get into a damn 7-11, no matter how many cute signs they put in the windows.

Our second attempt yielded fruit. Well, not fruit per se. Would you buy fruit from a 7-11?

It yielded donuts.

The Kwik-E-Mart turned out to be pretty fun. Even the employees seemed to be having a good time. When was the last time you went to a 7-11 with happy, cheerful employees? The Kwik-E-Mart made everyone happy.

They’ve got cute Kwik-E-Stuff.



Chief Wiggum was there (what a celebrity sighting!!).



They have goofy signs on things and pink donuts with sprinkles.





Okay, I have to take issue with that last picture (click on it to enlarge). Not one of those things has a bun! Not one! Perhaps the sign is just generally informational? “Our hot dogs are rich in bunly goodness…of course, these aren’t hot dogs…but our hot dogs are rich in bunly goodness nonetheless.” And, look at the price of a pack of Kools! Didn’t those used to be the cheap cigarettes? And why no Laramies? The official cigarette of the Simpsons? An oversight, I say.

Tanya hung out with Apu.



I got some Buzz cola (They didn’t have any Radioactive Man comics when we went, but thanks to Julie, we got one! Thanks Julie!).



We took some pictures outside the store. I felt a bit stupid about taking pictures outside of what is essentially a 7-11, like a tourist in my own neighborhood, but we did it anyway.




All-in-all, it was a pretty interesting trip to the Kwik-E-Mart. If you have the chance to go to one, I recommend it. I wouldn't drive very far to do so, but it’s worth a 7-block voyage.



Fun Fact: The Simpsons Movie opens on or around July 27th! Go see it! Give FOX your money! People need to eat you know!

I’m Baaaaaaaaack!

Miss me? I missed you. Man, it’s been a while. I really should update this blog more often. I will. I promise.

I’ve already missed so many interesting topics. Paris went to jail. And…um…Paris went to jail…wait, I said that one already.

Oh, I know! Paris went to jail!

And Bushy commuted Scooter’s sentence. But that just happened, so – technically – I didn’t really miss it. But I’m going to. I’m going to miss it right now.

This is me, “missing it.”

But in other, more exciting and less maddening news; the latest episode of “Life From The Inside” is now officially online. Most of it has been hanging out in that video bar on the right side of this page all weekend (drinking too much and chatting up da’ ladies, no doubt), but now it’s actually on the LFTI website (thanks Lauren, you’re the best)!

Go there now and watch it! Now! Here, I’ll even make it easy for you:

lifefromtheinside.com

Let me know what you think.

It’s also on YouTube for those of you who like your videos of a…less sophisticated nature.


Fun Fact: We shot some LFTI shorts recently, so you should be seeing one of those in the next few weeks. And I’m going to start editing Episode 5 very soon. We start shooting Episode 6 at the end of the month.

Whew.

And, if you didn’t expect Bush to commute Scooter’s sentence than you’re living in a fool’s paradise. What are the rents like in that paradise? I think I’d like to move there. Sounds lovely. Bush doesn’t reward cronyism there.

Anyway, we should just be happy that Georgie didn’t give Mr. Libby his own South Pacific Island while he was at it. (If they hadn’t put Jack Abramoff away, he could’ve arranged that.)

Oops, there, I did it, I commented on the Scooter Libby thing.

I’m on the Case

Are you a college student? Are you tired of stumbling aimlessly through your higher education, subsisting on nothing but a dream, stale pizza and bong water? Well, do I have the website for you.

missingmajor.com

It’s a step-by-step guide designed to help you get to the heart of why you’re in college in the first place. Wait, that makes it sound like a porn site filled with hot tips on how to get two girls to strip down to their bras and make out in front of everybody at a party. It’s not that kind of site.

But that would be a great site too. Albeit, not really necessary. You just need to find a couple girls who have dubious self-esteem. Preferably two hot girls desperate to get a certain guy to notice them but too drunk to know that he left a half-hour ago with some 18-year-old frosh. If all else fails, a chubby sophomore will do. They won’t even need to be drunk. They think that this kind of attention will help them rise to the top of the college social order, not knowing that sophomores are called “underclassmen” for a reason. They’re not going to be on top of anything for a while. Or ever, if they keep whoring it up for attention.

Ah, college.

But back to the site in question. It’s a step-by-step guide designed to help you with the second most important part of your college experience – getting an education.

And it has one hell of a handsome host as well. So, if you’re tired of look-at-me-lesbians, pills with cartoon characters on them and late night trips to Home Depot for large-capacity funnels, rubber hoses and one of those “on/off faucety-type thingies” then head over to missingmajor.com and get your life on the right track, kid.

Or just go to see the fantastic host!






Fun Fact: Episode 3 of the hit internet sitcom Life From The Inside is now online at our website! Go there and watch it. “But,” you say “I can just scroll down this page and watch it here. Or click on the episodes at the right side of the window and see it that way.” Sure you can. But if you haven’t seen this show with the cast’s cold, dead eyes staring at you from the top of the page, then you haven’t seen squat!

The Wait Is (Completely) Over!

If you haven't already, go to my previous post and watch Life From The Inside Episode 3 part 1. I'll wait.

Okay, now parts 2 and 3 are up! Actually, part 3 has been up for a little while, but I didn't want to draw attention to it since what would the episode be without part 2?

Confusing, that's what!





In case you didn't know, at Revver, they have actual people view the videos before they go live. the good people at Revver thought it necessary to flag part 3 as "PG 13."

Sexy.





Fun Fact: I'm going to start on Episode 4 now.

Will this ever end?

No!

Also, the videos are almost up on YouTube as well. If you like to watch crappily encoded videos online, go there and search for "LFTI"!

The Wait Is (Partly) Over!

Stop yellin'! Stop clamoring! Stop driving by my apartment throwing empty beer bottles and yelling "where is Episode 3 of Life From the Inside!!!"

Stop it.

Episode 3 part 1 is here.

The other two parts to follow later today (once they get all approved by Revver).

At the moment, this episode isn't on our website www.lifefromtheinside.com. It will be soon (probably sometime next week). But enjoy it here. Don't forget to tell your friends!





Fun Fact: This episode was originally only going to be split into 2 parts. But ScrewTube got all uppity and even Revver had issues. So, now it's in an unnatural three-part format.

Fun!

Just Tryin' Somethin'

Okay, YouTube is teh suck. That's internet talk for "teh suck." So let's try Revver, shall we? And let's try their linkable collection feature.

Here are the first two episodes of the sitcom as seen on Revver. They are much higher quality. The flash versions look the best. The Quicktime versions sound the best. Watch them at the same time and you've got yourself quite an experience. (incidentally, you can toggle between the two versions. There's a button around them somewhere.)

Sure, you'll still be able to see your favorite episodes on YouTube, never fear. If you find yourself pining for substandard video compression YouTube will always be your friend.

But, on to Revver.


Did this work? Can you feel the love? Episode 3 will be online soon! Just some final tweaking and privacy issues and we'll be in business!

Okay, the episodes are now in the sidebar on the right since I can't figure out why it won't post in the blog part of the page. Episode 1, Part 1 is at the bottom, they go up from there. like reading Chinese!


Fun Fact: YouTube is teh suck.

And as a side note, these videos may not stay on Revver for long. Enjoy them now, while you can!

So, What Have You Been Up To?

I’m killing two birds with one stone here today. I’m updating the blog and plugging the sitcom! Don’t forget to visit www.lifefromtheinside.com to see what all the “fuss” is about.

I’ve been neck-deep in episode three lately. I’ve been scoring it. I had to take a little break from it so that we could shoot episode 5. Yes, episode 5! But now episode 3 is almost done! It should be online sometime before the end of next week. Isn’t that exciting news? Yes, yes it is.

Anyway, in lieu of anything of real substance, here is a photo preview of episode three in the form of BTS pictures. They are in no significant order. And unfortunately, I couldn’t use a lot of great pictures because I didn’t want to give the story away. So, enjoy (sorry Steve, I know you hate it when people say that)

Thanks to David Beall, the best on-set photographer we have!

















Fun Fact: Why was Vince (Mailman) covered in silly string?




That’s why.

Go to www.lifefromtheinside.com right now! GO!