Thursday, August 02, 2007

Quit Your Clowning!

It’s official, another of the world’s most selfish people has been saved by a fertilized egg.

Nicole Ritchie is pregnant (no, she’s probably not having a creepy Ronald McDonald baby…although, if she does, my suspicions will be confirmed). And she’s taking responsibility for her drunken indiscretions. She now sees the error of her ways. She has been made newly aware that she has a responsibility to others.

And all it took was for her to lose her period.

Well, I’m sure she lost her period a while before she was pregnant. But this time the loss of menses was due to a baby-ish thing squirming inside her and not due to her 15-calorie-a-day diet.

Nicole isn’t the first person to have this revelation. A remarkable amount of celebs have had had similar ones. Even the non-infamous are privy to an impregnation-induced epiphany. It’s as if the spermatozoa penetrate not only the egg, but the decision-making centers of the brain as well.

But before we launch the “this is your brain…this is your brain on sperm” campaign, let me be clear that I’m talking about men here as well. In a man’s case, it could possibly be argued that the release of sperm makes them better people.

You hear that ladies? The next time you go poking around at your significant other’s browser history, remember, he’s doing it for the common good!

But let’s not talk anymore about ejaculate. In fact, let’s forget that I typed the word “ejaculate” at all.

It’s not my point.

My point is that a pregnancy has a great number of life altering effects. It can make a person sleepier, fatter, jumpier, “stretchmarkier,” poorer and – more importantly – better.

It’s the last one that I’m interested in. Although, ladies, I am interested in what it feels like to be kicked from the inside. Is it as creepy as it sounds?

But, no, I’m staying on topic here. Lets talk about how bringing a child into the world makes someone a better person.

(Author’s note: No. Tanya is not pregnant, mom.)

I’ve never understood how having a child can make a person better. I can understand how a kid can make a person more careful. I can see how a baby can make a person more patient.

But not “better.”

Let’s take Nicole again as an extreme example. I know that your typical mom isn’t a drunk-driving, coke-snorting multimillionaire celebrity socialite. But take Nicole anyway…please! Oh, the humor. My sides, my sides.

Before Nicole got pregnant, she couldn’t see how she was at all responsible to the people around here. At least not the people who weren’t immediately around her. The general public that is to say.

But now that there’s a Nicole Ritchie/Joel Madden hybrid sloshing around somewhere near her small intestines, the world has been shown in a whole new light. She is going to be more responsible because…well because…

Let’s examine that, shall we?

Nicole used to be a careless debutante who saw the people of the world as nothing but an ATM, traffic and congestion. Something to get in her way and pay her rent. But now there’s a baby involved. She can no longer be the selfish woman that she once was. Why?

She has learned that it’s important for her to be a responsible person. She is responsible to…her baby. Her actions have a direct effect on…her baby. She wants to be a positive influence and make the world a better place…for her baby.

Pardon me if I seem a bit skeptical about Nicole’s sincerity.

Seems to me that saying you’re going to be less selfish in regard to the world around you just because you had a baby is a bit like saying:

“I used to set fire to a condo complex down the street about once a week. It was fun watching all those homes burn. But then I bought a unit there. That’s when I decided that what I was doing might not be the best idea.”

Being forced to be a better person doesn’t seem like the greatest act of benevolence to me. You wouldn’t say that a serial killer on death row is a good man now simply because he hasn’t killed anyone in the 20 years he’s been locked up, would you?

Am I being unreasonable here? Is it possible that Nicole is striving to be a better person now because she finally has learned what it’s like to truly love another person, therefore making it possible for her to develop a sense of empathy toward humankind in general? Maybe. Sad. But maybe.

And does it matter that Nicole has hopelessly selfish reasons for being less selfish?

Do the ends justify the means?

And should the city of New York be able to tell Nicole that her baby can’t drink formula in their hospitals?

Like that? Like how I changed the subject there?

Man, we’re not losing our civil liberties…we’re giving ‘em away.

Fun Fact: My Apple keyboard is driving me nuts! The space bar sticks on the right side. And I keep inadvertently hitting the caps lock key. Why does this keyboard suck so much? I paid a lot of money for it! And why can’t I type right?!

Help me, Mavis Beacon!

You too, Steve Jobs.

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