Tuesday, November 29, 2005


Can I get some moisture in the air here please?! I’m tired of tooling around like a walking, talking Van de Graaff machine.

The weather has finally cooled off in southern California. This is great for my spirit, but it’s bad for my fingertips. I swear that if you look closely, you’ll see little singe marks at the ends of my fingernails. Is there nothing more surprising than the pain of an unanticipated electrical arc shooting from you to the doorknob (or vise versa)?

I guess that’s why they call it a shock (or vise versa).

Yes, everything I touch seems to hurt me these days. Even the simplest act of switching on the lights can be nerve racking. I get up off the sofa and before I can touch anything I have to find a way to release the static charge that comes with sitting on a cloth couch through an entire episode of Prison Break (seriously, they couldn’t at least escape before the end of the “fall finale?!” How lame. And what the hell is a “fall finale” anyway. I hate network scheduling directors).

Having to discharge my static makes me feel like I’m about to start working on volatile explosives. But at least at the “volatile explosives factory” they have chambers and such. They way they discharge their static is a bit more…graceful…than mine.

I just have to find something metal…and then grab it as fast as I can before it “bites me.”

This process may not be fancy, but it works. Sure I look like an idiot. But I look like a bigger idiot when I jump back three feet just because my shoulder accidentally brushed against the rabbit ears on the television.

I need cable.

And don’t even get me started on the terror I face just getting in and out of the car.

Stupid static electricity. I’ll bet it’s getting back at me for never doing a demonstration on it in grade school science class. I’m sorry!

I’m scared of balloons.

Fun Fact: Static electricity causes a spark because negatively charged electrons in one material are attracted to the atoms in the other material that have an excess positive charge.

Opposites attract.

I guess that’s why I continue to touch Tanya even though she shocks the hell out of me every time. But the shocks had better stop soon. Even a lab rat learns its lesson after a while. I feel like I’m being conditioned.

“TAM, why did you and Tanya break up?”

“I don’t know really. It was an exceptionally dry month. After a while I just lost all desire to make any kind of contact with her. In fact, the prospect of it became frightening and debilitating.”

“Oh, sorry man, that’s so sad.”

“Yeah, she was a cool chick. Anyway, thanks for your concern. Hey, while you’re here, could you turn on my lights and start my car for me?”

Oh, and the latest TAM Cartoon is up! Shockalicious!

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