Wednesday, January 03, 2007

God Told Me That Pat Robertson is a Dickhead

Why does anyone listen to Pat Robertson?

Because he’s a prophet, that’s why.

This year, as is his annual tradition, Pat Robertson made some predictions. But Pat is no Sylvia Browne, he doesn’t get his information in the forms of “visions,” nor does he have Montel Williams so far up his butt that he can taste “idiot” every time he burps. No, Pat’s prognostications come directly from the big man himself, God.

Rev. Robertson predicts that a massive terrorist attack will kill millions in 2007.

Helpful, no?

After all, his other predictions have been so accurate that it’s definitely important to have this latest – and somewhat grim – one given prime air time by all the major media outlets (this blog included).

What has Pat (God) accurately predicted in the past? Well, he predicted that President Bush would easily win reelection in 2004. And Bush did beat John Kerry. Sure, it was by the smallest margin of victory, percentage wise, for any incumbent president in our country’s history (especially in a time of war), but I don’t think that’s what Pat meant by “easy.” In the grand scheme of things, how hard is it to count votes? Let’s face it, it’s not a root canal, it’s not programming a universal remote control, it’s not reading this blog, it’s easy! Vote counting is easy. Chalk one up for Mr. Robertson.

Last year he predicted that the coast of America would be ravaged by a horrible storm, possibly a tsunami. There were some bad storms in the Pacific Northwest. Power was knocked out for a while. A few people even died. It was almost as bad as a Los Angeles August! And there were some terrible rainstorms in the Northeast. Pat already claimed a partial victory on this one, so I can’t give him credit, he already knows.

He predicted that his broadcast network, CBN, would do well in 2005. It didn’t, but that’s not God’s fault. If people would only had bought stock like Robertson (and God) had asked them to…

So it’s definitely important to report every rambling of this man of god. He’s in tune with the universe. He has a direct line to the creator.

Plus, thanks to his super energy drinks, he can leg press 2,000 pounds! Any 77 year-old man who claims to leg press a ton because he’s been drinking his own product should be taken completely seriously in matters of faith. How could you deny that he’s divinely inspired? His Age-Defying energy shake formula has made him super-human! He can leg press 2,000 pounds! How many can you press, puss?

Octogenarian viewers of CBN are out there, forking over their fixed income, buying and drinking shakes, retaining the vitality of youth and leg pressing the hell out of things! What are you doing? Doubting the veracity of Pat’s claims? Shame on you. God will punish you. Like he punished Ariel Sharon, like he’ll punish the gays and the college professors, like he’ll get that Pennsylvania town that wouldn’t accept Intelligent Design into their schools.

Don’t doubt Pat. His prayers have saved many a US city by steering hurricanes away.

So, I guess what I’m saying is look out for a horrific terrorist attack in ’07 that will kill millions of people. Keep an eye out. You just might miss it if you’re not watching closely. But it’ll come in one form or another. Sure, it might not kill millions. It might not be a terrorist attack. Neither of those things may happen. But it’ll come. You can bet on that.

I would just like to conclude by giving a big thanks to NBC and ABC for bringing this story to my attention. It was so completely informative and important that I can hardly stand it. That’s news right there! Couldn’t let this item disappear into obscurity. No! Finally, they got something right! Thanks NBC and ABC, you’re really helping humanity with this one. God bless you.

Fun Fact: Sleep is an activity that can only be enjoyed while it’s not being performed.

I hate that. I would enjoy sleep more, I’m sure, if I could appreciate it while I was doing it. Instead, I’m cursed to go through life only enjoying the idea of it, anticipating it when I’m tired, missing it when I wake up. It’s like some horrible dysfunctional relationship.

You know what? Come to think of it, I hate sleep! Screw you sleep! I don’t need you! Go to hell! Quit beleaguering me!

Sorry, sleep, I didn’t mean that. I’ll see you tonight. Maybe even today at lunch if I’m lucky.


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