Wednesday, November 15, 2006

I Am Full

As of Monday, I don’t need to have any more teeth filled. One more cleaning and the marathon that is my professional oral health campaign is over. I understand that this may not be all that exciting to you, but you have to understand that I’ve been going to the UCLA dental school almost once a week for the last couple months. Things move a bit slower at the dental school. The average visit is three hours. I had 6 fillings, three cleaning and two consultations. That’s almost 33 hours of fun! You would think that I had a couple root canals or bridgework done. Nope, just some fillings and a few deep cleanings.

You can probably begin to understand why I so damned excited that I’m almost done.

Plus, I hate needles, and you haven’t lived until you’ve had a dental student adjust a needle that’s jabbing you in the jaw while being guided by a supervising instructor, “okay, now, just move the needle a little more to the left, more, can you feel the bone? No? Okay, push it in a little more, why don’t you wiggle it around a little more…you know what, why don’t you just take the needle out of the patients mouth and jam it in his eye. Aw, he won’t care…”

In case you were wondering, due to the instructional “trial and error” nature of the dental school, I’ve averaged about 6 shots per visit (not during the consultations) which puts the number of times I’ve had a thin piece of metal lodged in the general vicinity of my check at about 54.

Okay, enough of that. It’s making my skin crawl. On to a slightly less aggravating subject…

OJ Simpson is going to tell us all how he “would’ve” murdered his wife and her boyfriend “if” he had done it.


Personally, I thought the prosecutors did a pretty damned good job of telling us all how The Juice did it the first time. But it will be interesting to hear it from OJ’s own mouth, even if it is all “hypothetical.”

This is no joke. FOX will air a couple of “specials” with OJ to coincide with the release of his book. I’m not going to make any snide remarks about the FOX network, and not only because they put food in my gut, but because I don’t blame them. It’s a good business move. They didn’t talk OJ into telling his “story.” They’ll be able to escape all this with just as much integrity as they’ve always had, the only difference is that they’ll be a hell of a lot richer (that is until the family of Ron Goldman sue them for emotional distress).

OJ’s the one who’ll look like an opportunistic monster. But then again, we already knew that about OJ. I just can’t believe that he’s more interested in having money than looking like he’s innocent.

OJ’s always been a bit on the crazy side but was he always this insane? Or do you think that the guilt of getting away with murder pushed him over the precipice?

Ah, well…hey did I mention that I don’t need to get anymore fillings?

Fun Fact: Toys for tots recently refused to accept the donation of a toy company who makes a talking Jesus doll. The doll quotes scripture and the people at Toys for Tots were concerned that the doll might end up in a non-Christian household and thus be a problem.

What TfT didn’t realize is that’s exactly what the Beverly Hills Teddy Bear Co. was hoping for. The only thing that could be better for the toy company than converting unwitting poor kids would have been if Toys for Tots rejected the donation and the story made national news thus providing free advertisement and an opportunity for moral outrage that would spur sales of their otherwise obscure product…oh.

In case you are looking for a talking Jesus doll, here’s a picture.

And if you don’t like Jesus, you can buy the doll anyway, put dirty clothes on it, soak it in gin and tar heroin and call it the “Val Kilmer as Jim Morrison in The Doors” doll. Pull his string for delicious irony.

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