Cock-A-Doodle-Do!

Happy 4642.

Yes, it’s the Chinese New Year today. The year of the Rooster. Already?! It seems like just yesterday that I was celebrating the last Chinese New Year. My huge ass dragon costume is still sitting in the middle of the living room floor. And the candied melons in my Tray of Togetherness have long since gone off.

Yeah, the Chinese New Year sort of snuck up in me this year. It’s a good thing that I vacuumed yesterday. According to superstition I’m not allowed to do any sweeping or dusting today. There may be luck mixed in with the human dander and raspberry crostata crumbs. Sorry Tanya, them’s the rules.

Also, you’re not supposed to wash your hair today because, although it’s not 100%, there’s a good chance that you’ll wash away some of your new year’s luck there as well. You know, the luck that you keep in your hair?

I usually just keep ball point pens and parasites in mine.

According to ancient tradition, you’re also not supposed to cry today or use scissors or knives. I’m screwed. I haven’t cried yet, but it’s still early. I have, however, used both a knife and a pair of scissors!

They should really post these rules as a public service before the New Year. And there are a lot more superstitions too. They’re here, if you want to check them out.

Almost all of the superstitions have to do with luck. The Chinese are big on luck. But what I don’t understand is why luck likes to hang out with dirt and dust so much? Maybe there’s some kind of molecular bond? Do they share an electron? Maybe well never know. But I had a feeling that it was the case. That’s why I don’t change my clothes very often.

But then again, I don’t have a job…

Lucky? Unlucky? You be the judge. I don’t want to be that guy who tells you to skip showers. There are too many of those guys in the world already.

But the Chinese New Year makes our celebration of the devil western capitalist New Year look like a frat party. Which it is, I suppose. The Chinese eat a lot of glutinous rice and chickens with the head and feet still attached (to symbolize completeness).

What do we do? Drink and stay up late. To symbolize our willingness to drink and stay up late? Okay, sure, the Chinese do that too, but at least there’s some pretense to the celebration. We need to find something significant to do on New Years around this place.

Maybe something that has some obsessive connection to luck? That would be awesome.

But we can’t be completely blamed for our lack of cool crap to do on the New Year. After all, according to the Chinese calendar, we’re 2,637 years behind.

Happy Year of the Rooster! And don’t forget to make your Chinese New Year’s resolutions!

Here are some of mine:

I will try to order more steamed rice and less fried rice.

I will tip the delivery guy from Natalee Thai even though it’s not technically a Chinese restaurant and even though he only has to drive three blocks to get here.

I will embrace and protect despotic Korean governments while they race to develop nuclear weapons that threaten their neighbors.

I will bury myself with a huge army of terra cotta soldiers. Why should Qin Shihuangdi have all the fun?!

I will not make stereotypical generalizations about any ethnic group of which I have very little actual knowledge about.

I will finally throw out those rotten candied melons and try not to giggle every time someone tells me that it’s the year of the cock.


Fun Fact: There seems to be some disparity about which actual year it is right now. I’ve told you that it’s 4642, but some others think it’s 4702.

If they can’t even figure out what the hell year it is, why should I pretend to celebrate it?!

The Chinese New Year is confused. That’s a fact.