Wednesday, February 16, 2005

I Do…For Realsies This Time ~OR~ I ♥ Huckabee

Not even death will us do part, you sniping nag! Thank god for covenant marriages, huh?

The good people of Arkansas have made getting divorced even more of a living hell. Now, Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee is pushing a new type of marriage vow. One with less romance and more Johnny Cochran. Arizona and Louisiana are also into turning traditional wedding banns into red tape.

See, it seems that Arkansas has one heck of a high divorce rate. The solution? Make it damned near impossible to get a speedy and painless divorce. A covenant marriage.

On Valentine’s Day, the governor, his wife and about 1,000 other couples, with the gleam of love in their eyes, converted their ordinary, mortal marriages into super-marriages with a ceremony that contractually obligated them to seek counseling and wait for a two year cooling-off period before they could untie the knot.

How romantic!

I just made Tanya a valentine out of cut-out, colored paper. I should have given her power of attorney. That would have been really special. Chicks swoon for power of attorney.

Governor Huckabee is disgruntled with the ease at which people can obtain divorces in this country. He said, “It is easier to get out of a marriage than a contract to buy a used car.”

I would hate to be Mr. Huckabee’s used car dealer.

According to the good Gov, divorce is the main problem in American marriages. A little like saying that death causes cancer. Divorce is the result of a failed marriage, not the cause.

I understand what he’s saying. I do think that people jump into marriage too easily. To say that I’m…cautious…about getting married would be a gross understatement. But I know what getting married means. It means something to me. It’s not some kind of ideal. It’s not an idea. It’s not a gift to an unplanned baby. It’s not a device to be used to gain respect or status or legitimacy. It’s not a contract with god. God isn’t invited to sleep in my bed at night. And I haven’t seen respect and legitimacy in years.

When I get married, it’ll be on my terms. It’ll be a contract between me and my wife. And if something goes wrong with the plan…who knows. That’s my decision too.

Look, I know that no one’s forcing the Arkansas idiots to get covenant marriages. No one directly. And I do think that a good marriage takes a lot of hard work at times.

But a contract? Come on. I need to sign a legally binding piece of paper to say that I’m going to try and keep together a relationship with the woman that I married presumably because I loved her more than anyone on the face of the earth? Hopefully, I would have enough respect for my wife that if the time came that our relationship was on the rocks, I would wouldn’t need the county clerks office to remind me of my wedding vows. I would want to do something to save the marriage.

And if I didn’t want to, then why should my wife have to suffer through two more years of living with a selfish, self-centered asshole? She’s probably already suffered enough.

Yes, but no one’s forcing them to do this!

Sorry, I’m just arguing with myself a little bit.

The thing that really galls me is that this whole covenant marriage business is a response to, not only the divorce rate, but also gay marriages. Seems strange, don’t it? I don’t really know what gay marriages have to do with any of it, but I think that the anti-gay-marriage people are trying to build their defenses a little. If you’re going to preach about the sanctity of marriage you better make sure that yours is a good one. Otherwise, what the hell are you preaching about?! The idea of the sanctity of marriage?

Most of the time, unfortunately, yes.

But couples in Arkansas are trying to remedy that with the help of the government. “Keep your filthy government mitts off my rifle collection…but could you give me a hand with my bitch of a wife?”

Let’s go all the way with this. Two years nothing. We could be more like India and just make it next to impossible to get a divorce.

Setting your spouse on fire is far more spectacular than some stuffy old court proceeding.

Okay, but no one’s forcing them to do this!!!!

It’s still stupid.

Fun Fact: No one forced these people to get covenant marriages!

And I’m feeling a bit schizophrenic today.

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