Friday, October 14, 2005

Making Friends

And influencing them.

It was all over the news yesterday. I’m tardy. Michelle Duggar and her husband...Jim Bob...have given birth to their 16th child. Jim Bob is especially excited because it’s his first daughter in 8 years. Michelle is excited because she finally has another little girl to dress in truly nauseating outfits.

Why do we celebrate these people like they’re some kind of overachievers? It’s like going to the circus freak show with the pretense of learning hygiene secrets from the bearded lady.

Here they are. And they don’t just wear that crap on picture day at Sears. They wear it all the time. That’s dressing up to them. It’s dressing down too. I’m pretty sure that mom makes them for the girls out of the old sheets. Look closely at that photo and you may catch a glimpse of Holly Hobby.

The kids are Joshua, 17; John David, 15; Janna, 15; Jill, 14; Jessa, 12; Jinger, 11; Joseph, 10; Josiah, 9; Joy-Anna, 8; Jeremiah, 6; Jedidiah, 6; Jason, 5; James, 4; Justin, 2; Jackson Levi, 1; and now Johannah, newborn, purple and creepy.

All their names begin with the letter “J.” Just like Daddy. It’s cool of Daddy Jim Bob to give himself such an immense tribute. He sure deserves it. After all, he has to put up with that hormonal wife of his while she’s pregnant…constantly. In fact the only time she’s not been pregnant for any real duration was the first 4 years of their marriage. She was just 17 when they married. Which is strange that she wasn’t pregnant. I mean, isn’t that the only reason people marry 17-year-olds?

Oh, J also stands for Jesus.

I shouldn’t make fun. It’s not easy to raise 16 kids, I’m sure. Especially when you home-school them.

Of course, I’ll never know. I’ll never have to do it because…well…I’m not freaking crazy.

Yes, the Duggars are freaking crazy. Freaking crazy for Jesus. Religious weirdoes. The kind that think that Jesus wants you to give birth to babies until your cervix no longer has the strength to hold them in for the full gestational period.

This is what Jim Bob had to say:

We both just love children and we consider each a blessing from the Lord. I have asked Michelle if she wants more and she said yes, if the Lord wants to give us some she will accept them…or else I will beat Satan from her until she gives in to the Lord’s will.

Okay, I added that last part about Satan. I don’t think that the husband is forcing her to have babies. I think she likes it. I mean, after 10 kids, she pretty much has to keep having them. It’s either that or a hysterectomy, right? She sure as hell can’t go back to having a menstrual cycle. Let’s just say that Tampax hasn’t marketed a product equipped to handle a task of that….considerable size.

Personally, I don’t understand this conviction. I don’t understand why Jesus wants religious wack-jobs to have a million and a half kids. Is he living vicariously?

Whatever the reason, Jim Bob and Michelle are going to continue to pop out the chillun’. What does Jim Bob care if his wife’s vagina becomes the size of Madison Square Garden?

It’s procreation, not recreation, people.

And if all else fails, he can rent her crotch out for concerts and boxing events.

Fun Fact: The heaviest ever baby born was a boy weighing 22 lb 8 oz. He was born to Sig. Carmelina Fedele in Aversa, Italy in September 1955.

That would be a snap for ol’ Michelle Duggar. She could use the baby’s weight to her advantage. She wouldn’t have to go through those painful 5 seconds of pushing. All she’d have to do is stand up and let gravity do all the work.

What? Gross? Hey, the woman isn’t a human anymore, she’s a freaking factory. There are bunny rabbits out there rolling their eyes at her.

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