Friday, October 28, 2005

News Grab Bag

Aw, Poor Harriet

Yes, just days after they publicly executed her political career, Republicans everywhere are singing a lament for Harriet Meirs. Poor, poor Harriet. She didn’t deserve such a shameful lambasting did she?

Well, no, she didn’t. It’s not as if she discussed pubic hairs and Long Dong Silver with co-workers. If she had, we’d have put her on the bench faster than…something that’s really fast. She was just under-qualified – and a woman.

Far-right Republicans don’t like chicks on the bench. It doesn’t matter how many assault rifles Harriet keeps in the hands of “sportsmen” or how many uteruses she controls, she’s still a chick. And “justicing” is a man’s business.

But now, for some reason, we’re all supposed to feel bad for Harriet Meirs. Not because she pronounces her own last name completely wrong, but because “she deserves a chance.”

What?! Really?

Hey, I think she was treated shoddily, sure. But that’s the way this stuff goes. Republicans talk a good game about giving nominees their day in committee, but they’re really only talking about people they like.

This is politics. It’ll be a sad day when we start allowing people on the Supreme Court just because we feel bad for them. We already chose a president because he seems like “a real kind of guy” (which is because he’s completely stupid), we can’t start letting pity pick our Justices.

Hot For Teacher…

But not in the good “an underage boy who had sex with his older hot teacher was the coolest kid on campus in the 80s” sort of way.

Here in California, Governor Schwarzenegger has declared war on teachers. He’s backing Prop. 74, a proposal that would make it more difficult for teachers to get tenure and a “job for life.”

A new pro-74 ad is running in TV that tells the “story” of a teacher who “verbally abused” her students and showed “rated R movies in class.”

What did they do with this horrible teacher? Well because she (he?) was tenured, she only “resigned” with a fat $25,000 paycheck (an entire year’s salary no doubt!).

See, they couldn’t fire her because she had tenure. The benevolent school administrators could do nothing but throw money at her, their capable and pristine hands were tied ever so tightly. All they wanted was to make the school a better place. All they wanted was to be able to fire this bad teacher without any kind of hearing. After all, if you work at McDonalds and drop you coworker in the fry cooker, chances are you’re going to get fired and quick. And that job actually required dedication and skill! But noooo. Not teachers. Freaking tenure!

For those of you who don’t know, “tenure” is an impervious invisible shield which protects shiftless teachers from responsibility. Not even Superman could make a tenured teacher give a rat’s ass. Tenured teachers are lame duck fat-cats, just sitting back in their gilded teacher’s lounges, sucking down cocktails and raking in huge paychecks.

And as we know, teachers are what’s really wrong with the education system these days. Let’s not pretend that modern “parents” have anything to do with the slipping GPAs in this country. After all, if it were the parent’s responsibility to educate their children, we wouldn’t send kids to school, right?

And schools everywhere are filled with teachers like our “abusive/R-rated movie-watching” walking horror named in the “yes on 74 ad.” I men, we all had that one teacher who would swear in class. And in health class they made me watch a film of a woman giving birth (sure it had the desired effect, I’m still terrified of fathering little, bloody alien babies, but it had vaginas in it!).

In fact, the pro-74 people needed hardly to look for a horrible teacher to make an example of. All they had to do was find a case that took place…in 1999.

But hey, I’m sure these kinds of teachers are rampant even today.

Bad teachers. Why don’t you all just die already?!

Coolio or a Foolio?

Should you use slang like “bling” and “don’t go there?” That was the question on the minds of NBC’s “Today Show” this morning.

Really, there’s a freaking war going on. Can we find no better questions to posit than whether or not octogenarians in the heartland should tell people to “talk to the hand?”

The oil companies are gouging the hell out of us (and don’t give me that crap about the “markets” driving the price of oil, the companies don’t create the demand but they do guide the markets), the polar ice caps are disappearing at an alarming rate and hurricanes are pointing out severe shortcoming in our nation's leadership!

Why do I know more about Angelina Jolie and her quest to adopt every child on the planet than I do about global warming?!

What the freakin’ dilly!?

Fun Fact: I’m wearing a new sweater today. Nothing special about it. It’s just a sweater. Sometimes these fun facts are difficult to come up with, you know.

Oh, the sweater is made out of Marino Wool. Huh? How about that! My sweater used to quarterback for the Miami Dolphins!

Yeah, I don’t really know what Marino wool is. But it sounds impressive. NBC should do a story on it.

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