Friday, October 07, 2005

Massage My Brain and Give Me the Happy Ending

Ah, dubious massage parlor humor. Gross? Sure. But what the hell, it’s Friday.

We’re all a little obsessed with the “happily ever after.” It’s been fed to us since we were just little tykes. But those were fairy tales. Not real life. Obviously, right?

Not so.

The world is becoming increasingly obsessed with creating happy endings these days. The news media being the most egregious offenders. There are two stories lately that really stick out in my mind.

The first is the story about Jacquelyn Sherman. After having her home destroyed in hurricane Katrina, she sought refuge from New Orleans on the floor of her sister’s house in Opelousas. While there, she decided to do a little shopping at the local Wal-Mart (of course). But first she took a little detour to the local casino. She put some cash in a slot machine and out popped 1.6 million dollars.

Ah. Doesn’t that just warm the heart? Here’s what she had to say about it:

Thank you, Lord.... I told my aunt that God works in mysterious ways and that I had prayed that something good would happen for the whole family to be happy.”

Indeed, the lord does work in mysterious ways. He rewards gambling now. Who knew? I always thought that God frowned on stuff like that? But what do I know? I’m an atheist after all. Maybe I should convert. Maybe then I’d finally hit it big at the blackjack tables.

And maybe I could get Him to clear up this horrible case of the clap while he’s at it? How does God feel about soliciting prostitutes these days?

I’m kidding. I don’t have Gonorrhea and I don’t solicit prostitutes(really. It was a joke…I’m serious).

The news reported on this story as if the clouds had parted and the hand of god pushed through with a wad of hundred dollar bills just for Jacquelyn Sherman. I mean, come on…

Perhaps the better question is why the hell was a woman who had lost everything in a tragic disaster at a freaking casino plopping her much-needed cash into a soul-sucking slot machine?!

Man, some people were just programmed to be poor. Don’t even get me started on the state lottery. Jacquelyn is just lucky that the Lord had a soft spot for hard-luck cases…and the one-armed bandit.

The other story that they played on the news also had to do with Hurricane Katrina. It was about a couple who had met during the aftermath. They both ended up in the same evacuation center. Then they both ended up on the same refugee plane to California.

Then they took the next most rational step and got married.

Now, I’m not here to bad-mouth their relationship. I sincerely hope that it all works out for them. I won’t mention the fact that they only knew each other for about two weeks before they tied the knot. I won’t mention that relationships spawned from traumatic events have little or no chance of surviving.

And I definitely won’t point out that Keanu Reeves makes that last point in the movie “Speed” because that would make me a supreme geek who watches Keanu Reeves movies (but what would you do? What…would you…do?! Now who’s the geek, huh? Oh…still me).

But I will take issue with the way that the local news station reported the story. They tagged the item with the line, “At least for two survivors of Hurricane Katrina there is a happy ending.”

A happy ending?!

I knew it! No matter how much certain ex-girlfriends might have tried to convince me of the contrary, I always knew this to be true…

Marriage really is the end of the world!

And now I have proof. The Los Angeles WB affiliate said so. Take that!

So, happy endings. Do they exist? I like to think so. Somewhere. Sometime. But where do things end? Do they actually end at all? Do we really want to get into a philosophical debate right now?


Why? Because this is the end of this post, that’s why. Which is good because it started off on such a grotesque note. What with the massage parlor joke and all. I shouldn’t have been so blue. I know that cheesy news “human interest” stories about happy endings and massage parlor happy endings are two entirely different things.

But after both I can’t help but feel like I’d been jerked around a little.

And we all lived happily ever after.

Fun Fact: There’s a new link posted on the right. It’s to the Wren Forum. A happy place run by my friend Steve. Go there and check it out. If it’s as good as his mad improve comedy skillz and acting talent, you won’t be disappointed.

Plus it has something to do with Wrens. I don’t know what yet, but someday I’ll figure it out.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, the word “ebullience” means “overflowing with enthusiasm.” I had to look it up. I though it was some kind of pierogi dish. Which made me think that the Wren forum might be some kind of Polish support group.

Which it still may well be.

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