Happy Birthday, Mother

Yes, it’s my mom’s birthday today (it’s also Vince’s birthday and my brother-in-law Josh’s as well, happy birthday Vince and Josh).

So it’s a busy day for birthdays. I’m coping with that by not buying a single present for any of them. I feel like that’s the best possible way. It’s bad enough that I’ve had to remember that it’s all those peoples’ birthdays, I figure why add stress to my day by being truly thoughtful?

My birthday is in August and, the closest holiday being the Fourth of July, I’ve never had to compete with a major gift-giving event. So I’ve always felt a little bad for people who were born near big holidays. The worst are those unfortunate jerks to have been brought into this world in late December and early January. That’s got to suck for them. Not to mention for their parents. I’m sorry, but if my kid was born on, let’s say, December 24th, I would probably just celebrate his/her birthday on Christmas Day and make them think that the whole world loved them just as much as I did. By the time they were old enough to learn the truth, their ego would be so large that my white lie would be like water off a monstrously egotistical duck’s back.

Sure, you’re thinking, “Valentine’s Day is not Christmas.” And you’re right. You’re needlessly pointing out the blatantly obvious…but you’re right. If born near Valentine’s Day, most people could probably manage to get the usual amount of birthday gifts and still score a box or two of conversation hearts.

But my mother is single.

Now, I haven’t been single in a long time, in fact, living in constant fear of being alone, I’ve worked very hard at not being single – ever – even to the point of poor judgment and a few instances of “girlfriend hoarding.” But I do realize that there a few days of the year when a single person can grab as much attention as they possibly can and still not come across as desperate (and I’m not saying that my mother is desperate).

Valentine’s Day and Birthdays are not only good for grabbing a little extra attention; they’re also perfect tests of a potential girlfriend/boyfriend’s commitment capacity. If a person asks you out on a date for Valentine’s Day or your Birthday, chances are that they’re ready and willing to become a more permanent fixture in your life. And that leaves the ultimate decision about the relationship up to you.

But when those two special days are right next to each other, there’s a problem. Because while having someone new ask you out for V-Day or B-Day can be something really special, when those two days become two nights in a row, signals can be muddied.

Either your potential girlfriend/boyfriend just wants you to feel special, realizing that it’s not your fault that your birthday happens to be the day after Valentine’s Day and you should not be shorted out of either based on proximity and therefore, even though the relationship is very new, asks you out both nights because he/she is genuinely interested in making you happy no matter that it makes them look a little desperate to get your attention.

Or, holiday’s aside, they would have asked you out two nights in a row even though they hardly know you because they are desperate.

And they want to make a lampshade out of your back-skin.

So what am I saying?

Happy Birthday, Mom. Keep an eye on your back-skin.


Fun Fact: Skin is the largest organ of the human body and if treated properly can make fine lampshades or leather book covers.

As an adult, you might have up to 20 square feet of skin on you right now! That’s enough to make a blanket!

There’s nothing finer than curling up with a good book in the soft diffused light of a nice lamp under a warm blanket, especially if all of those things are made of skin.

Gross.

Happy Birthday again, Mom.