You Mean That Penguin from Bloom County?

Of course not, I’m talking about Opus Dei.

For those of you who may not know, Opus Dei is a faction of Catholicism. And they’re on the march against the bad image they feel they’ve obtained from the hit book “The Da Vinci Code.”

In the novel, the secretive organization is represented by a fictional character named Silas, a murderous albino with a penchant for self-flagellation. But the members of Opus Dei want to set the record straight once and for all. Oh no, they’re not opening their doors to the public. They are a secretive organization after all, but they’re putting out some pamphlets.

I always love it when these types of organizations go on the defensive. They always try to present themselves as “just people.” And I’m sure that the members are just people. They just happen to be the kind of “just people” who belong to an ancient secret society of people who beat on themselves. You know, like 98° fans.

Opus Dei had a representative on GMA this morning to refute the claims that weird crap goes down in their organization. Exhibit A: a stockbroker from New York, just a regular guy. Exhibit B: a mother of seven (obviously a good catholic). Just people. And as for the self-abuse? The representative admitted that some members do practice self-flagellation, but they don’t beat themselves too hard. Well that clears it up. And what about claims that the organization is a little too exclusive? Well, they were quick to point out that there are 3,000 members – in the US alone!

3,000 members! Man, they’ll just let anyone in this thing. That’s like 0.0000001% of the population! Freaking joiners.

There’s no weird secrets going on. Their NY headquarters is a structure that cost 70 million dollars. And much has been made of that, but they could easily cover the cost if each member just kicked in $23,333.33.

That’s cheaper than being a Scientologist.

But every year we have to find some religious freaks to needle and point at. But I don’t feel too bad about it really. After all, no one likes secrets. And a secret organization is just asking for unwanted attention. If they want to be left alone, just let the secret out. That’s what I say.

If people in Opus Dei beat themselves, go ahead and admit it. There’s no shame in that is there? The members aren’t embarrassed are they? If the Scientologists want to believe that we’re all infested with residual alien spirits, so what? Go ahead and say so. If the Mormons want to wear special underwear and baptize people posthumously, go for it.

But that’s not the problem is it? There is certain information that these groups will give out easily. It’s when you get to the top of the organization that people get tight-lipped. And I’m sure that it’s not because the salvation they offer is for privileged eyes only. There’s usually some money stuff happening that they don’t want you to know about until it’s too late and your completely assimilated to their way of thinking.

I mean if you’ve already given years of your life trying to attain a Scientology ideal of “clear” I would assume that you’ve got a pretty good investment going there. And you’ve probably been steered in a certain direction. After all, they don’t want you to bolt for the door when, 20 years and $3,000,000 later, they finally tell you that the whole thing is just a giant tax dodge. They want you to share in the funny, have a good laugh and start recruiting some more saps.

I’m not saying that’s what the Scientologists do, mind you. I don’t know. They’re secretive!

So…the moral of the story?

Always make sure that your special underwear can’t be seen under your clothes, never air your dirty residual alien spirits in public and if you’re going to participate in self-flagellation, don’t leave any scars.


Fun Fact: Dan Brown’s book “The Da Vinci Code” has aggravated the Catholic Church. They feel that Mr. Brown has misled his readers into a false sense of history.

Personally, I’m a little more worried that there are people out there who get their history from a fiction novel.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to catch up on the news of the day.