I’m moving up in the world. High society here I come! And I did it all without getting a real job.
Finally, the who’s who of Hollywood royalty have recognized my unlimited potential. I’ve been invited to possibly be invited to join an exclusive country club. I’m not going to name which country club that is because I don’t want to ruin my chances for membership (I’ll let my complete lack of money do that for me).
Even though my talent, education, success and sociability make me a shoo-in for membership, I was a bit puzzled as to why they would send me a letter of interest. Especially since they sent it to an apartment. I mean, if I can’t even afford to buy a house, what the hell would make them think that I could possibly pay the $30,000 or so in membership dues every year? Even if the letter does say that membership is “much more affordable that you might think.” They’re making another assumption here. An assumption that I have one single idea just how much an exclusive country club costs these days.
But upon closer inspection, I noticed that the envelope didn’t actually have an apartment number listed on it. I’m just lucky that my mailman put it in the right slot. Actually, I’m pretty lucky that my mailman put it in the right slot and it didn’t end up in a crumpled heap like the rest of my mail. I have a bad mailman. Does that disqualify me for membership? It should. Rich people don’t have bad mailmen. Rich people don’t have to flag their mailmen down, waiving that little pinkish “attempted delivery” notice, to get a package even though you just watched him deliver the mail and he didn’t make a single “attempt” of any kind to walk that package up your one flight of stairs! Rich people don’t have to stand in line at the post office for a half hour just because their mailmen are too goddamned lazy to carry a small box up some stairs!
I’m getting off task here.
I just really hate my mailman.
But really, what would inspire a famous country club to court me for membership? I mean, I did go to college for eight years, perhaps they assume that I’m some kind of doctor? They’re going to be real disappointed. Just ask my mom.
Perhaps they heard about my film “The Social Club” and thought that I was ripe for membership? After all, it is about a “club” of sorts. But the women in “The Social Club” are far less cutthroat than the people in Beverly Hills (I’m still not giving away the name of the Country Club, but you could probably make a few good guesses).
It’s not that I couldn’t “hang,” mind you. The letter lists their Board of Governors. I would totally fit right in. I mean what do Matthew Perry, Jimmy Connors, Barbara Eden, Merv Griffin, George Hamilton, Tommy Lasorda, Dr. Phil (mom, I could probably get you those tickets to his show if I joined), Jim Nabors, Wolfgang Puck, Tom Selleck, Nancy Sinatra, and America’s #2 Astronaut Buzz Aldrin have that I don’t have?
So my dreams of hobnobbing with film royalty (and more than a few plastic surgeons) will have to wait. Maybe if I start saving my pennies now, I’ll be able to join soon. But I think that there’s more chance that I’ll accidentally become famous (and therefore a real membership possibility) than there is of me just saving money to join without the hard work it takes to make some cash.
But if this invitation to a possible invitation to join has taught me anything…
It’s that I’m way better than you.
Wait! I’m starting to feel like a member already!
Fun Fact: Believe it or not, I’m not the only one I know to get an invitation from this same country club. My friend David also got one. I’m guessing that they’re trying to fill their “early 30s Caucasian Non-Jew” quota. But David at least has a good job. So he’s got a better chance.
But I would like to remind the membership committee at the country club that I am way more egotistical that David! And I won the “Thespian of the Year” award two years in a row at Central Washington University!
The only thing Matthew Perry ever won was some stupid TV Guide “Editor’s Choice” award in 2000. And he had to share that with rest of the cast of Friends!
Screw you Matthew Perry and your stupid country club.
Here are some of my favorite quotes from the letter:
“Many have found it a ‘safe’ and private place to meet, socialize and recreate away from the demanding public.” – Finally!
“…members find the Club a wonderful place to dine, socialize or merely escape the world ‘outside’ that so demands of our time and energy.” – That would be great. Especially if the cops have found a dead hooker in your hotel room.
“[The Club] is not for everybody or every family. If it were, it would not be a privilege to belong.” – That’s the same thing I was told when I tried to join the “Jr. Astronauts” in the 7th grade. As true today as it was then.
“The Members and staff…invite you to become acquainted with our friendly, neighborhood private club.” – Neighborhood private club? How private can it be? If the whole neighborhood can come? One question, is that guy who collects aluminum cans and yells at clouds going to be there?