Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Woman of a Thousand Feces

Could Tyra Banks be more full of crap? Oh, it seems that her well of crapulence never runs dry. In fact, she’s up to some old stunts this week. Turns out that there have been some things nagging at her supple soul for a while now.

“How do men act at strip clubs?” “Why do they go?” “Is it for the $15 Long Island Iced Teas?” “Do the naked women help to draw an audience?” “Why do men want to look at naked women?” “Is that stripper pole cold on the crotch? I mean if there hasn’t been someone writhing on it right before you?”

Only one way to find out. Stick on a fake nose, hit the stage and hump a pole. For only pretending to be a stripper can you truly understand the strip-club-going male’s true intentions.

Oh yeah, and treating this as some kind of “experiment” is a great way to legitimize the fact that you’re really just living out one of your more “colorful” fantasies.

Hey, being a stripper is way different than being a model. I mean strippers are viewed as “objects.” Whereas models are viewed as “objects who wear clothes….most of the time…sometimes not…” There’s no pretense to stripping. Stripping goes somewhere. The strippers actually tantalize and the deliver on their promises for cash. Supermodels are really just call girls for designer jeans.

Okay, there are a few fundamental differences. Models don’t sometimes sleep with the clients after the show for the right amount of money. Models do it for cocaine. But being a stripper and being a model are pretty much the same, I think we can agree.

So why would Tyra want to go “undercover” to expose the true feelings of strip club clientele?

Well, it’s because she’s clueless.

It’s pretty much obvious when you listen to her report on her experience. Turns out that Tyra was shocked – shocked – to learn that a lot of the men who go to strip clubs are married! No! And they sometimes go home to their wives and then – get ready for this – have sex with them, but while having sex with their spouses they – get ready for this too – fantasize about having sex with the strippers! It turns out that these men are actually turned on by the naked women on stage who flash their vagina’s suggestively at them!

Tyra was especially grossed out about this. See, she was pretending to be a stripper. Granted one that didn’t strip. But the thought that someone would be fantasizing about having sex with her while sticking it to their wife was almost too much for her to take. Those naked gyrating women are trying to do their job, they’re not just fantasy fodder for marital intercourse!

No one would treat the Victoria’s Secret Catalogue that way!

Nope. Never.

Tyra also learned that a lot of the men who go to strip joints are lonely and some of them spend way too much money on private dances because…well…they’re lonely.

So men go to strip clubs to ogle and fantasize about the women? Very interesting. Well done Tyra! You’ve infiltrated the sleazy underbelly of the otherwise saintly industry of strip clubs. And it only took some prosthetic makeup and ridiculously conspicuous undercover cameras to do it.

Tyra is one sharp cookie. I think she’ll be on the air for a long, long time.

As you may also remember, some time ago Tyra had to get to the bottom of what it’s like to be fat. So she donned a “fat suit” and hit the streets to go on a couple blind dates. But to be fair to the study, she also went on dates as her svelte self. What did she learn?

That it sucks to be fat. People are mean to fat people.

Man, I’ll bet she’s glad she never actually swallowed any food while she was a teenager, huh.

So, now that Tyra has finally discovered what it was like to be fat and a stripper and reported back to the rest of us sheltered ignoramuses, what’s left? Here are a few other suggestions for her:

Tyra, do these things! I need to know! Help!

1. Why not actually gain 250 pounds? I would like to know if it’s harder to wear a fat suit for a couple dates or actually be fat. Which is harder? I mean, I could guess…it’s the suit right? Yeah, it’s probably the suit.

2. What about fat strippers? You’ve already got the suit and the rubber nose.

3. Is it hard to have no arms and legs? You could cut yours off and tell me. I’ll bet their lives are pretty much exactly the same as everyone else’s. Except, of course, that they get to use the handicapped ramps and stuff.

4. What is it like to have a mental handicap? You could get a lobotomy and learn what prejudices are out there in regards to people with limited intellect.

Or, I suppose you could just tell me now.


Am I being too hard on ol’ Tyra? I mean, America’s Next Top Model was a pretty good show once after all. I mean, do I really know what it’s like to be Tyra Banks? I should walk a mile in her shoes.

Does anyone have some high heels, lingerie and a set of angel wings I could borrow?

What?! It's for science!

Fun Fact: Tyra and I are the same age. But she’s like waaayyy richer.

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