Thursday, April 06, 2006

Almost Famous

Yes, I was almost famous. Just like the stars in the movie of the same name.

My mom’s in town. When you live in a large city, sometimes the only way you get out to do anything really interesting that the city has to offer is when a person comes to visit. So what did we do? We went to see Dr. Phil.

Now before you get all down on the good doctor let me say this, I actually like Dr. Phil. He’s not my favorite all-time TV personality or anything, but I like him. I genuinely believe that most of the time he gives good advice. I just wanted to say that up front. Sure, it may make me look like a moron, but hey, if you’re basing your opinion of my stupidity on my affection for Dr. Phil then you’ve obviously been ignoring this blog. I’ve given you many, many other reasons to think that I’m an idiot.

So, my mom and I went to Paramount to be in the studio audience. It’s not far from here. So while I did have to sit with a hundred or so strangers, at least I didn’t have to get on a freeway to do it. The freeway is a deal-breaker for me.

They herded us into the near-freezing waiting area. We’d been warned about the temperatures at the Dr. Phil Show. To get tickets, you have to go through a little bit of a screening process and then they send you an email. The email made it abundantly clear that it was going to be cold. It was. Storing meat, ex-girlfriend, “10th grade English teacher with a bug up her ass” cold (that last one may just be relatable for me).

Not long after we had all drank our first cup of coffee (more for warmth than anything else) a producer got on a mic and told us that they were going to be doing a show tomorrow about male reproductive rights.

A man in Saginaw, Michigan named Matt Dubay got his girlfriend pregnant. Before the pregnancy, according to him, he and his girlfriend had an understanding that he didn’t want to have a baby with her. Furthermore, Matt claims that the girlfriend told him that she was unable to have children.

Of course, she got pregnant. And she decided to keep the child. She also decided that since Matt was kind enough to donate his sperm, he should also be kind enough to donate around $800 a month for child support. Matt wasn’t to keen on this last part since, he claims, he never wanted to be a father in the first place and thought that the issue was going to be a mute one since he was dating a woman with a womb as hospitable to human life as the Sea of Tranquility. (Matt should have known that someday there would be life on the moon.)

Now Matt's suing to get out of his child support payments, claiming fraud.

So the producers of the Dr. Phil Show asked if anyone in the waiting area had an opinion on this and would be willing to give their opinion on camera to be aired on the next day’s show.

I’ve been known to have an opinion or two in my life, so naturally, I offered mine.

They liked it. Maybe it wasn’t so much my opinion as my dashingly handsome face, but they took me and 4 others up to the Dr. Phil dressing rooms to tape our pieces.

After it was done, they asked me if I would be willing to come back the next day and sit in the front row so that Dr. Phil could follow up with questions about our taped opinions in person.

Well, sure.

Who am I to deny the nation? Housewives everywhere deserve to know how I feel about male reproductive rights, don’t they?

Well, they’re going to have to wait. After a call from the producers telling me that it was a go and I would get to tell the world what was on my mind and meet Dr. Phil and that more importantly I would have a drive-on pass to the Paramount Lot and a special parking spot in the highly venerable “visitor parking lot,” they called back to tell me that they had cancelled the segment.

That’s so LA.

But they told me that I could come to the show anyway and sit in the audience again. But I wouldn’t get the pass and stuff. Yeah…no thanks. I’ve grown accustomed to a certain treatment. I can’t just go back to hanging around with the rabble! Don’t they know who I am?!

My Hollywood dreams have been dashed yet again. Damn you Dr. Phil!

The rest of you can get my opinion here! You’re so lucky.

I think that if we support the reproductive rights of women then it only makes sense that we also support the reproductive rights of men. There are a lot of tricky logistics involved, but don’t you think it’s about time we at least discussed this? Hopefully without a bunch of “this is just an excuse for deadbeat dads” crap. That’s like saying that reproductive rights for women is just an excuse for heartless chicks to kill innocent babies.

It takes two people to make a baby (or so I’m told). Ideally, it takes two people to raise a baby (don’t tell my mom). So why shouldn’t it take two people to decide to have a baby?

Screw Dr. Phil. We can have a discussion right here! And it won’t take two weeks to air.

Should men have reproductive rights? Or should we stick with the old “you break it, you buy it” policy?

I’m talking mostly to the Pro-Choicers on this. I would assume that Pro-Lifers have the usual take on this subject?

And, if you watch Dr. Phil and have any idea what I look like, keep an eye out for me in the audience of the “Ask Dr. Phil and Robin” episode. I’m almost positive that I’ll be shown. Either that, or the steady cam operator had a crush on me.

Which begs the question, can I resist a man with a greasy pony tail?


Fun Fact: Apart from almost being on the Dr. Phil Show, I’ve called in to two talk radio shows and was actually on the air with the host of another where I gave my opinion on gun control.

My opinion on gun control?

Does anyone really care about gun control these days? No one ever discusses gun control during a war. Did you hear me?! I said NEVER!!

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