Wednesday, April 26, 2006

They’ve Done It to Me Again

The criminal element in Los Angeles has made me skip my morning workout.

As you know, there’s a new building being constructed next door to me. And it’s a crime magnet. It’s already invited arsonists to burn it down. Now it’s drawing in persons on the run from the cops.

At about 2:00am this morning Tanya woke me up. She heard someone shouting outside about police dogs and “come out with your hands up” or something. I don’t know. I was asleep.

But of course, I had to investigate. It turns out that she was hearing correctly. There was a cop standing on the street calling into the construction site. He was soon joined by quite a few others. They started poking around our building and the construction site, looking for whomever it was that they were chasing. But they never entered the site. They searched Tanya’s car with flashlights, but as for the hulking, perp-friendly shell of a building next door – it went undisturbed.

I don’t blame the cops really. I wouldn’t go rooting around a huge creepy skeleton at 2am.

Especially since I distinctly overheard the first cop say to the others the word “gun.”

But here’s the thing. I’ve been living in this city too long. The second that I heard the word “gun” (by the way, I never told Tanya this part, she was still lying in bed, why should I disrupt her sleep? Just because she did it to me?! No. That would be revenge.), the exact moment that I heard the cop say “gun” my first thought wasn’t “oh my gawd! They’re going to start shooting the place up! There’s a dangerous killer in the loose with a gun! Right next door!”


My first thought was, “This is just fan-freaking-tastic! Now there’s a gun involved, and a man possibly holed up in the building next door. This can only bring two things. Loud-ass police dogs – and that freaking helicopter! I’m never going to get back to sleep.”

Sure enough, the helicopter came. It shone that unholy “night sun” searchlight all over the place. It lit up the bedroom. It kept me awake. Not to mention the fact that the helicopter seemed to be hovering about 20 feet above the bed itself. And the worse part is that I just knew that the man they were looking for was probably not still in the construction site. He probably hopped the back fence, ran through the adjoining parking lot and was halfway to Inglewood.

I seriously thought about going down to tell the officers this fact, but I realized that they might shoot me, so I stayed in bed. And it didn’t matter much anyway, the helicopter didn’t hang around for long. Some of the cops did, but they kept pretty quiet, with the exception of one instance when the police mistook another cop for being the fugitive. That was almost comic. It might have been funny.

Except that the cops shot that other officer by accident.

No, that didn’t happen. They didn’t shoot him. But it would suck if it did, wouldn’t it? Yes, it would.

No, after keeping me up for about 45 minutes and solidifying the fact that I’d be too tired to hit the gym at 6:30 am, the cops all eventually went home. At least that’s what I thought, until I heard that damned police dog barking about a half hour later.

Freaking K9 unit. Always late.

Oh, and the man they were chasing got away. So there was an armed suspect loose in the neighborhood last night. And that’s fine by me.

As long as they keep the noise down. I’ve got to get to get up by 6:10.

Fun Fact: Squirrels can climb vertical stucco walls with their little claws. I saw it for the first time the other day. It was pretty cool (and a little creepy). They can even crawl down the wall face first. Squirrels are like tiny rabid Spidermans. They’re obviously genetically superior.

Bow down to our squirrelly overlords.

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