Don’t Mess With My Mouth

You don’t want to, you say? Well, my friend, there are those who would. I’m not just being paranoid here because I’ve been to the dentist every Monday for the past month and I have to keep going back every week until the end of time.

I was watching the news this morning and amid the Amish funerals, stupid weddings, stories about local FOX news-teams being harassed by protesters and Republican Congressional page scandals (seriously though, the Republicans have built their entire political platform on lies, exclusion, greed and denial of civil liberties and the thing that might bring them down is a bunch of lame-ass “sexy” emails?! We care more about who knew the truth about this stupid crap than we do about who knew the truth about Iraq’s WMD program…my god, we’re all doomed) I saw something truly frightening.


That’s right, look at that image above. Look closely. It’s not a joke. The people at Oscar Meyer actually want kids to sprinkle “Sour Tongue Teasing Fizz” on their little Ritz pizzas. That “fizz” is pretty much like powdered Pop Rocks. They also want kids to put it on their mini tacos and hamburgers (not pictured…you’re welcome).

Now I could be crazy and I haven’t been a kid for a long time now so it’s hard to remember, but I don’t believe that there was ever a time when I was younger – not ever – that took a bite of a hamburger, taco or pizza and thought to myself “golly, if only this was a little more SOUR…!”

And the sad thing is that we adults looks at stuff like this and think “damn, kids will eat ANYTHING!” but the fact of the matter is that kids aren’t coming up with these products. Oscar Meyer doesn’t have a 10-year-old in charge of research and development. It’s some jerk in a suit. And he’s surrounded by other jerks in suits who sit around a table somewhere and say things like “kids like hot dogs, kids like Snickers bars, lets make an all beef hot dog with a caramel center!”

“Peanuts too?!”

“Hell yeah peanuts! Wouldn’t be a Snickers Dog without the peanuts!”

Why?

What has happened?

Are we so starved for stimulus nowadays that we have to market nauseating “food” for kicks? Aren’t Lunchables disgusting enough? I’ve actually eaten the tacos and the hamburgers. They already taste like vomit. Is sour vomit really an improvement? I don’t know. I haven’t tried the “Mess With Your Mouth” variety yet. Chances are, I won’t. Ipecac is cheaper.

And while we’re at it, let’s discuss that Air Heads “Mystery” flavored treat that’s included in the meal. Is it really a mystery? I’ve had it, it’s good. It’s not a mystery what flavor it is though.

It’s sugar.

Actually, I believe that it’s a mixture of every flavor Air Heads makes. That’s my theory anyway. But if they wanted it to really be a mystery they’d make it some inexplicable flavor.

I say make it bacon flavored!

Bacon flavored Air Heads. Why not? Kids would go crazy trying to figure it out. They would never suspect bacon…or maybe they would. They eat some crazy shit these days. But as for the Lunchables, bacon flavored taffy is the perfect end-of-the-meal compliment. I mean, what do you eat for dessert when your meal is covered in candy?

Bacon flavored taffy, that’s what.

Oscar Meyer, you’re messing with more than my mouth here. Damn you.


Fun Fact: I’ve been neglecting this blog lately because I’ve been busy working on “the Project.” We started rehearsals for the second part of it and they are great fun. I can’t wait for you to see the finished product.

Here are some new labels I’ve had to make. Think of them as a really lame “preview.” Enjoy.