Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Advice for Squatters

If you ever find yourself illegally living in an abandoned house, don’t go spreading your crazy around at the top of your lungs at 7:15 in the morning as if you’re murdering someone.

Your new neighbors will call the cops on you.

Yes, the house next door, while now pleasantly free of drum-bashing drunken morons, is instead inhabited by wall-bashing mentally ill morons. Well, one moron anyway. A guy who likes to yell at the emptiness.

But I’m glad he did. Tanya has suspected that there was a person squatting in that house. But I hadn’t seen them or heard them until today.

We knew it was only a matter of time before someone started living in that place. The house is a squatters dream. It’s large. It’s unlocked. It has a couple fireplaces. It has running water. And it’s located just steps from every Los Angeles homeless person’s favorite destination – my dumpster.

Do I feel bad about calling the cops and having that unfortunate soul evicted from his temporary $700,000 domicile?

Hell no.

He was nuts.

But I was feeling a slight twinge of guilt while I watched from my kitchen window as the cops arrived. There was a female cop laying down the heaviest guilt trip I’ve ever seen.

And it was very effective. The homeless dude didn’t know whether to shiv her or apologize profusely to the entire neighborhood.

And that’s why we need more women on the police force. Any man with a significant other knows the profound power of a self-righteous woman with the truth on her side.

Fun Fact: While I was on hold waiting to talk to the police, they were playing automated messages in my ear. “All officers are busy at the moment, please stay on the line…” Then, of course, the same message in Spanish.

Fine, okay. I get annoyed at that kind of thing, but I’ve gotten accustomed to it.

What I’m not used to is “this message is for the hearing impaired:”


The loudest, most obnoxious and grating sound since the phone modem and fax machine. And let me tell you, it was excruciatingly loud. Without any real warning. And incessant.

Why do they do that to me? Blast computer signal noise in my left ear? What have I done? I’m the one craving a little law and order! I didn’t call so that I could be attacked by messages for the hearing impaired.

Although, If I have to listen to that deafening noise any more I suppose that eventually I’ll be happy that it’s there.

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