Knot Your Father’s Halloween Attire

Tanya has taken up knitting. I think knitting is cool. Sure, it’s not a sunglasses and cigarettes kind of cool. But making stuff is cool. Making stuff out of yarn…über cool.

However, all I can think when Tanya is sitting and clicking the two wooden needles she got as a gift a while ago is “when they knit, do old ladies curse this much?”

My grandmother never knitted anything for me when she was alive (she doesn’t knit anything for me now that she’s passed either in case you were creeped out or something about me receiving sweaters from the great beyond). But I like to think that if my sainted grandma did knit stuff for me, she would do it with the same copious amounts of blasphemy.

Okay, I’m implying that Tanya is struggling with the finer points of knitting. It’s true. If knitting were easy then handmade scarves would be a hell of a lot cheaper.

With her permission, I’ve posted a couple examples of Tanya’s early works.

This is her first masterpiece. Don’t laugh at it. There’s an old lady mouse somewhere that is going to be much warmer this winter because of Tanya’s rat shawl.

This is her second sample.

Not so much a garment as a yarn representation of an ancient Indian arrow head.

I scoffed at these pieces, I made fun, I teased and belittled Tanya until she was reduced to a quivering mound of shattered self esteem. That is until she revealed their true purpose to me this morning.

She made me a costume! A pink Abe Lincoln beard and an oversized pink novelty Hitler moustache.

And I teased her!? What a heel. Sure anybody can give you a pink Abe Lincoln beard and an oversized pink novelty Hitler moustache. But Tanya knitted these herself. Way better than, let’s say, human hair or felt. Knitting is tedious, tiresome work. When you receive a knitted gift, you’re receiving love. A knitted moustache and beard is all about the love.

‘Cause it sure ain’t about the pink.

Fruity.


Fun Fact: According to a knitting site I found, the origins of knitting are widely debated. Some people believe that it originated in Persia. Others claim Israel, Jordan and Syria. And still others claim that it started in the mountains of North Africa.

I say that it was started in the mines of West Virginia as a way for the coal miners to keep the dust off their caged canaries.

Sure, it’s probably not true. Sure, I’m just fueling the great “origins of knitting” debate. But the way I see it is…nobody cares.