Tuesday, June 27, 2006

And This is My Youngest Brother who we Just Call Pansy-Ass

Is this the way you introduce your youngest brother? If so, your parents probably had a lot of boys. There is a new study out that seems to show that the more full-blooded older brothers a man has, the more likely he is to be gay.

Oh, and if you introduce your youngest brother like that you’re also a homophobic jerk. He’s your brother. Show a little respect for the guy. He doesn’t introduce you as his older asshole (at least not while you’re around anyway).

Incidentally, the picture above is from “My Three Sons.” Which begs the question, why the hell did they need this study? Wasn’t “Ernie” proof enough?

Okay, you know what? I didn’t really want to post about this today. Well, I did, but I changed my mind a little while ago. Steve was nice enough to give this blog a shout out yesterday. He liked my Old School blog post. He even linked to a letter that he wrote to himself in 1990. It’s great. Go here and read it.

I was inspired to find an old note that I wrote to my girlfriend in high school. I also have one that I wrote to another (later in high school) girl that I liked. I don’t have a lot of notes that I wrote to girls in high school because…well…I gave the notes to them. I suppose I could have said “hey, baby, you know I love you like the moon loves to shine, but, when you’re done reading it, would it be possible for me to get that note back? You know, for posterity?”

I may have come off a bit arrogant if I had done that. Sure, I was arrogant, but no self-respecting teenager wants to look arrogant. So, all of my old masterpieces are now sitting at some girls house, with the exception of a couple that inexplicably never got delivered. Hopefully the girls kept the other notes I wrote. Most of them probably didn’t. I kept there’s! (some of them) Maybe I’ll post them sometime…if I can ever find them.

So, instead of walking down memory lane today, I get to post about the gay child study.

The study suggests that a man's sexual orientation may be influenced by the conditions in his mother's womb when he was a fetus. I’m not sure how. Maybe after having so many boys, the mother’s womb tries to create a more inviting atmosphere for future residents by decorating with lacy curtains and frilly throw pillows thus dooming any future males to a lifetime of Republican oppression (but possibly creating ├╝ber-women as well)?

Man, I really wish that I could find those old notes.

Anyway, back to the study. The question of “Nature v Nurture” has been raging for years now…

You know, I bet that I put them in the storage closet downstairs. But it’s a real pain in the ass to get into that thing. I have to climb all over my dirty car and dig past all the Christmas decorations…

Tell you what, let’s just agree that gay men are born and not “turned” and leave it at that. After all, we don’t say that people “turn” heterosexual. To say that homosexuality and heterosexuality are somehow different “urges” is simply asinine.

Let us also agree that this study, with its scope and funding, answers another important question.

Yes, it’s true…no one cares about lesbians. In fact, I’m starting to think that they don’t really exist outside of a “raging kegger” setting anyway.

Who cares. I’m distracted. I’m going to try to find those notes.

Fun Fact: I’m the oldest child in my family. If my parents had liked each other more and had a couple more sons, I could have been a “gay maker!”

Man, I miss out on everything.

See, kids. Divorce hurts everyone.

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