Monday, June 05, 2006

Numbers Racket

My blog readership has declined. Taken a nose-dive really. I suppose it could be a byproduct of the warmer weather. Or, it could be a result of infrequent posting by me. Maybe it is my fault. Perhaps I haven’t been discussing the things that people really care about. Perhaps my thoughts on certain subjects, from epidemic hazard light usage to poor postal service, are just way off base. Who knows? Who cares? Not me. I don’t really care what the “reason” is, I just care that nobody’s really reading at the moment.

So, I’m doing something to boost my numbers.

I’m calling for a ban on gay marriage.

That’s right. I need to connect to the people (well, some of them anyway). I need a good old fashioned “moral war.” It’ll be good for my blog. War is always profitable (until someone finally wins). After all, a good war takes resources. A good war creates jobs. Where once an impoverished unemployed Christian had nothing to do but sit at home having marital sex with his goodwife, popping out child after child, there is now a respectful 9 to 5 waiting for him at one of the many “Family Morals for the Morality of Families”-type organizations. Where once there was an out-of-work gay actor in Los Angeles with nothing to do with his free time other than to sit around feeling sorry for himself and wondering if his acting “coach” has been ripping him off, there are now parades to march in and signatures to collect.

A good war distracts people from the bigger issues.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trivializing the issues of this war on marriage. It’s perhaps the biggest problem facing the country today. In fact, the President himself is going to propose a constitutional amendment today! And if the president thinks it’s important, it must be! I mean, he’s got that thing going on over there in Iraq. The American economy is going down the toilet. Frankly, things are just bad right now. But he’s still taking time out of his busy schedule to try and rewrite the constitution of the United States to keep fairies from marrying other fairies. That’s dedication to a just cause there.

Don’t tell him that something’s “not constitutional.” He’s the freaking President of the United States! He writes the damned constitution! That’s his job! And he’s doing one hell of a job at it too.

I mean, imagine if gays could legally marry! Where would this world be? I’ll tell you where. In hell. That’s where! We’d have guys running around “loving” each other willy-nilly. And on the lesbian side of the issue, there would be nothing but shaved-headed women as far as the eye could see! I’m talking real lesbians here! Not the cute kind you see in porn movies!

Over my dead body, friend.

But now I’m just getting on my high horse a little bit. I should be more sensitive. Let me try to appeal to the gays here. You know, build some bridges. Now, I can’t type with a lisp, but hopefully, they’ll get the idea.

Dear Gays,

Please do not read the above paragraphs. Just start here. The stuff I said up top is really nothing but a lot of garbled words that you wouldn’t understand. So don’t even try. It’s nothing, I tells ya’.

Here. I’ve included a picture for you to look at. It’s a gay “wedding.” Don’t those two “men” look happy? Godless and hedonistically happy. Nice tuxes, “boys.” Hope the “ceremony” was held before Labor Day.

Anyway, I just wanted to write a letter to you gay type people to let you know just how much you’re hurting others with your desire to enter into ungodly wedlock (ignore the word “ungodly,” it’s means nothing, we’re all friend here)(he, he, he, stupid gays)(oh, and ignore that last part too).

Don’t you understand how much your actions are affecting others? Try to have a little compassion here. Your lifestyle threatens a lot of innocent people who just want to go about their lives and be left alone. They want to marry members of the opposite sex in peace. They’re tired to having the institution of marriage attacked on a daily basis by a tiny minority of weirdoes who only want to get “married” in a desperate attempt to legitimize their perversions.

Frankly, the idea of gay marriage hurts the feelings of normal people who want to live normal lives. Your bastardization of emotions like “love” and concepts like “devotion” demeans their real and honest feelings.

Gay marriage chips away at the sacred institution of “real” marriages. You gay people, with your relationships made from so much cardboard and muslin, are turning actual marriages into hollow farces. Soon, marriage will be something that’s not taken seriously anymore. Straight people will start to get married on whims. Divorce will run rampant. Soon, the reasons that straight people get married, sacred, holy reason like “love,” “devotion” and “unexpected pregnancy” will be gone. In there place will be left but a shadow of what marriage used to be. A grim, characterless reminder of something great.

And then what’s next? Where will gay people stop? Will they ever stop? Are our Oreo cookies going to start tasting like Hydrox?

So, we’re friends right, gay peeps? Yes, of course we are. Because I don’t talk down to you, that’s why. You see the error of your ways. But let me make one last appeal.

Stop trying to get married. Okay? It’s bad. It hurts people. There are people all over the country right now, holy, pious, god-fearing people who are being made to suffer because of your callous selfishness. Why do you want to hurt them? They have done nothing to you have they? Other than defend themselves from your assertions, of course. And why shouldn’t they? They’re being threatened. They feel excluded for no good reason other than the fact that they disagree with you. Now, most of the time, you won’t be able to tell who these people are. They look just like people. But they’re different. Trust me. But they have feeling just like any other human being. And you’re making them uncomfortable at the moment. You’re scaring them.

Why are you persecuting these fine upstanding people with your perverse idea of marriage? Because they’re different? Because they have a different set of values than you do? Is that right?

How would you like it if they did that to you?

Thank you for your gay time,


Fun Fact: It’s hard to sell a home. What’s yours worth? How does it stack up to the other houses in the neighborhood? What’s the house next door worth?

Well, you can stop peeking into your neighbor’s windows when they’re on vacation to see if their kitchen still has its original Formica countertops. You can stop sneaking into the house across the street at 3am while the family sleeps to see if they’ve remodeled the downstairs bathroom or done any other cosmetic work that would improve the value of their home.

Just go here and type in an address ( You might not find a ton of useful info, but it’s sure fun.

It’s a bit outdated. It still shows the house next door to me and it’s been torn down for a while now.


Here was my second option for a gay wedding picture. I thought the men looked better. But I wanted to share this one anyway because you can’t have a lesbian wedding without Lesbian Al Roker performing the ceremony. She's awesome!

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