Monday, January 23, 2006

Feeling Gloomy?

According to University of Cardiff health psychologist Cliff Arnall January 23rd is the gloomiest day of the year. But he didn’t just come up with this arbitrarily. No! He’s gotten all scientific and devised a formula.

W + (D-d) x TQ / M x NA (as I saw it printed)

Here are the variables: (W) Weather, (D) Debt, (d) monthly salary, (T) Time since Christmas, (Q) Time since failure to quit a bad habit, (M) low motivational levels and (NA) the need to take action.

So as you can see, the outcome of the formula is anything but arbitrary. The variables however…

I would plug in my own stats, but I can’t figure out what numerical value to assign my “motivational levels.” But let’s just say that it’s 1,000.

Okay, here goes…

W = 73 (I’m guessing that it doesn’t matter if it’s Celsius of Fahrenheit?)
D = about $300 (I’m not counting student loans, only debts that I intend to pay off in the next ten years or so. And my emotional debts can never be repaid. Which begs the question, is there such a thing as an emotional debt?)
d = 0 (this one’s going to kill me)
T = 32? (do I count today or not? I did.)
Q = 0 (Ha! See that’s why I don’t make New Year’s resolutions!)
M = 1,000 (Obviously)
NA = um, let’s see…5 ( I like the number 5, plus if it’s an “on a scale of 1-to-10” sort of thing, it’s nice and average…like me!)

So my formula looks like this:

73 + (300 – 0) x (32 x 0)/1,000 x 5

Which equals…0!

Gloominess level of 0?!

What a crock! I’m way more gloomy than that! I’m at least a 1. I might even be pushing 2, pal! But my math could be wrong. Bad math! That's someting to be gloomy about!

But if Arnall’s formula is correct, then I’ve discovered the keys to happiness (on day’s that aren’t Christmas). It helps to not have a job, but the main thing is…don’t make resolutions! You’ll always come out with zero. Especially you losers that are clogging up the machines at my gym! Give up! Get it over with! Get out of my gym and never come back!

Sorry, it was a tough morning at the gym today.

But don’t take anything Professor Arnall has to say too seriously, after all, another study of his determined that the people of the United States are as happy as those from Guatemala.

Yeah, right. Guatemala has guerilla fighters, disease and poverty like no one’s business. All we have is George Bush.

I’m sure they’re way happier than us.

Fun Fact:: According to the CIA World Factbook, Guatemala’s terrain consists of mostly mountains with narrow coastal plains and rolling limestone plateau.

“Rolling limestone plateau.”

Is it just me or does that sound like fun? And tasty! Limes!

I would like to ride and/or eat it some day.

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