Wednesday, January 11, 2006

That’s Entertainment


Often times I feel bad about the way I characterize the public at large as a massive glob of undead baby sparrows, mouths agape, waiting for someone to regurgitate culture into their mouths. I get down. Who am I to generalize like that? My cynicism is unwarranted.

But then the People’s Choice Awards come back around and I’m refreshed.

Let’s be fair though. The Zombie Sparrows don’t come up with the categories. (Categories which are pre-determined to make the voters look like morons.) Best Female Movie Star. Sure, I can dig it. It’s a little nonspecific, okay (which is probably why Sandra Bullock won. She was only in a few movies this year. No one saw “Loverboy.” I don’t count crash because if asked, I’ll bet most of the voters would think it was that one with Keanu Reeves. This leaves only “Mrs. Congeniality II.” Which technically qualifies her because she starred in it and it was a movie of sorts. But really, Sandra Bullock? And I’m actually a fan but…Sandra Bullock?!), but I can understand the Best Female Movie Star Category.

But then things get more complicated. Once voters have wracked their brains trying to remember a single decent performance they watched this year (one that wouldn’t be too embarrassing to admit they thought was good enough to be considered for voting in an awards show, Jessica Simpson in The Dukes of Hazard doesn’t count no matter how few teeth you have) they have to come up with another favorite actress. Favorite Leading Lady. Different from the above mentioned category in…some way.

“Leading Lady” is code for “pretty actress.” So while Sandy might revel in the fact that she’s America’s favorite Female Movie Star, she’ll have to reconcile that with the fact that she’s just not as young as she once was. Not as young as Reese Witherspoon, winner.

The electorate has to cast their votes for 3 female movie stars and 3 male movie stars. Best Female/Male action star is also a category (Jennifer Garner and Matthew McConaughey. In case you’re shaking your head like I was, trying to figure out what action movie Mattie-Boy was in…”Sahara.” Ohhhh yeeaaahhh. I saw it too. Not a bad flick but I could have sworn it came out about three years ago.). Why do they separate action out but not comedy or drama?

Because “comedy” and “drama” is for fags, that’s why. Shut up.

They do have a category for Funny Male/Female Star. Also a little vague. Does their work in the past year have to be funny? The answer: No. Evidently they just have to be funny people. Otherwise how the hell did Adam Sandler win? The Longest Yard? Were movies really that woefully unfunny this year that the dude from The Longest Yard wins Funny Male Star? Or is the public more forgiving and less forgetful than I give them credit for? Perhaps a bit of both.

Definitely less forgetful. Star Wars Episode III won Best Movie and Best Movie Drama. Methinks something was tainting voters' perspective on this film. Something like rabid fandom.


Best Drama?

Don’t be a Zombie Sparrow.

Fun Fact: I was just talking to Kevin yesterday about the “Infinite Monkeys” theorem.

“An infinite number of monkeys typing eternally at an infinite number of typewriters will eventually, randomly, type the complete works of Shakespeare" (or every book in Le Bibliothèque nationale de France or every great work of literature known to man…depending on who’s proposing the theorem).

So Kevin sent me an MP3 of an old bit by Bob Newhart that dealt with this exact subject. As I opened the MP3 I was watching NOVA on PBS, and at the very same instant the MP3 started to play, they began discussing the infinite monkey theorem on NOVA as a part of a piece about the Avian Flu.

Which proves my theorem: “If two dummies who act like monkeys infinitely talk about the infinite monkey theorem, eventually one will send the other an MP3 that will download at the precise time that scientists begin to discuss the same thing on Public Television.”

Look out Journal of Science!

Also, I was going to state that an infinite number of monkeys typing on infinite keyboards wouldn’t need an infinite amount of time to type any of those things. In fact, and infinite amount of those monkeys would have typed all of those things on the first try. Infinity is a big thing to think about.

I was going to say that and be all proud of myself, but in my research for what to call the “infinite monkey theorem” I discovered that I’m not the first person to realize that. Damn. I knew I should have spent more time thinking about monkeys and typewriters in my early life!

That’s a fact.

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