Tuesday, May 16, 2006

I’ll Teach Them a Lesson

Being the qualified dentist that I am, I’ve just diagnosed myself with an abscess of the incisor. It’s pretty gross. It’s also my worst nightmare. I’ll have to get a root canal. Getting a root canal combines my two worst fears of all time, getting shots (needles) – and spending hundreds of dollars (just to have somebody jab me with a needle).

It seems that the Gods of Equilibrium heard about the PA job I got last week. They learned that I had made a few extra bucks (which was supposed to go to financing a trip to North Carolina this summer). I’m convinced that if I ever get any extra money, the entire universe will implode. I’m pretty sure that’s why the Gs of E hit me with this dental problem. Granted, I started to have symptoms of the abscess before the PA job came to me, so one could argue that, somewhere, fate was looking out for me by offering me a means to pay for the procedure…but screw that. I like to complain. Fate can kiss my swollen gums!

Some people like to tempt fate – I like to taunt it.

Seriously, though, I’m tired of this crap. I mean, sure, this is “life” and all that. But I’m sick of the unexpected costs. I feel like a drug addict. Really. I had to pay that stupid ticket for running a stop sign a month back and now this. The part that makes me feel like a drug addict is that, like the stop sign ticket and subsequent traffic school, when this procedure is done I’ll just be back where I started. I have to pay hundreds of dollars to maintain my level of “normal.” They’re not going to put like a “super tooth” in my mouth or anything. They’ll just rip all the guts out of my existing tooth and cement it to my jawbone.


So, what’s a man with a toothache and a small puss problem supposed to do when he needs to pay for an expensive dental procedure but has no insurance?

I’m going to the UCLA Dental School!

Horray! All the fun of a root canal with the added bonus of having it take up to three times longer! But they charge half of what other dentists do, so that’s enough for me.

And I’m always willing to help out education. I think that I could be a really valuable patient. When I was a kid, I got kicked out of about 7 different dentist offices. Those milquetoast dentists couldn’t handle my kicking. Pussies. Eventually, my parents just gave up trying to get me to the dentist. And now look where I am! I have an abscess!

But I’m an adult now. I can control myself at the dentist office.

I just hope that the students at UCLA Dental School wear shin guards.

Fun Fact: “Milquetoast” means one who has a meek, timid, unassertive nature. Its etymology derives from Caspar Milquetoast, a timid 1920s comic-strip character created by Harold Tucker Webster (Webster described his character as a little guy who “speaks softly – and gets hit with a big stick.” HA! The 20s!).

Milquetoast was also a bland type of food usually served to infants and invalids that consisted of soaking a piece of buttered, toasted bread in milk.


It’s also probably the only thing I’ll be eating after I get this stupid root canal.

Here's what happened the last time I was in the dentist's chair!

Yes, that's me in "Little Shop..." I'm the one in the chair, in case you can't tell. (thanks for the pic, Eric) The guy playing the dentist is Simon. You know, I could pay for this root canal easily if I just had a dollar for every time that dude stepped on my balls during that production.

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