Monday, May 22, 2006


You know, I’ve got a bone to pick with the president. No, it’s not about his gross ineptitude. It’s about his address to the Nation last week on immigration reform.

Dear Mr. President Bush,

I have a bone to pick with you.

If you would have just kept your damned, idiot mouth shut for a second, then Oprah could have aired her “Legends Ball” as planned – and today it would be over with and forgotten.

But noooooo, you, Mr. President, had to go and try to propagate your impotent policy on the very same night that Mme. Oprah was going to show the world just what a great – and wealthy – human being she is. Your actions, Mr. Bush, forced Oprah to postpone her television event until tonight. This means, that I had to watch her on GMA this morning. Well, I didn’t have to watch her. In fact, I tried my damndest to avoid her. But Katie Couric is leaving the Today Show soon and ever since she made that decision, the Today show has been one big annoying Katie love-in. And who wants to watch that?

And don’t get me started on CBS. It’s for old people.

So this morning I was forced to endure Oprah. And I’m a worse human being for it. What are you prepared to do, Mr. President? You must be held responsible for your own actions. I have a proposal. Actually, I have a couple of them.

1) We take away Oprah’s freedom of free speech (I figure that this suggestion is one that you can really get behind). Then censure the hell out of her. Thus leaving her about as effective as your Social Security reform plan. Brilliant!

2) You make a presidential mandate that all future history textbooks include an entire chapter on Oprah Winfrey. In fact, go ahead and order that all existing textbooks be required to print supplemental updates. I figure if we do this, then we’ll never have to hear from Oprah ever again. Make sure that the textbooks name all of the really important celebrities that Oprah knows (and hell, throw in some unknown “regular people” too, just so that Oprah can maintain some credibility). Also make sure to have the textbook publishers note that Oprah was instrumental in the following historical events:

Fighting AIDS and poverty in Africa

Proliferating the career of John Travolta

Single handedly keeping the African American culture alive

The Emancipation Proclamation

The end of the Cold War

The fall of the Berlin Wall

The discovery of America

Hypercolor clothing

Thank you for your time, Mr. President. I’ve never seen one person so single-mindedly intent on being a part of history. With maybe the exception of yourself.

Please give Oprah what she wants. Immortality. Maybe then we can all be done with her. She makes me tired.

Thanks again,

The Anthropomorphic Male

P.S. As president, could try not to suck so much?

Fun Fact: Hypercolor clothing was treated with a heat-sensitive pigment that was invented by Oprah Winfrey, manufactured by Matsui Shikiso Chemical of Japan and distributed by Generra.

Oprah! You cruel bitch! There’s nothing more traumatic than being a sweaty, hormonal adolescent. Except maybe being a sweaty, hormonal adolescent whose armpits turned a bright pink ever time a hot girl walked by!

Why not just invent a pair of pants that would sing “Happy Birthday to You” ever time I got an erection?!

I hate you, Oprah.

No comments: