Monday, April 19, 2004

Me, Me…Did I Mention Me?

It’s no secret that we live in a society that’s been preoccupied with one thing lately – ourselves.

We’ve turned into a bunch of selfish brats over the course of my lifetime. (MY lifetime dammit…get your own!) Why is that? I’m only thinking of it because of that ridiculous “riot” at Iowa State. I used quotation marks around the word “riot” because, I was under the impression that riots, while extremely irresponsible, are supposed to have some kind of purpose?!

Not to say that a riot is a good way to work out troubling social problems, but they should at least have something to do with something?! Not just a bunch of bored college “students” looking for something to do on a weekend.

I used the quotes that time because I was also under the impression that students were supposed to actually study something.

Remember when a riot was a way to express anger at a police beating, or our favorite sports team losing the big game…or winning the big game?

Don’t blame the students though; they probably didn’t get enough sleep the night before. Iowa State should take a cue from Duke University and cancel their 8:00 classes! After all, it’s the school’s responsibility to make sure that their students aren’t lazy ass-heads, right?

We have to blame someone. I’ll blame the school, you blame the police, and you…over there in the corner…you blame the kid’s parents. If we wanted to get really creative we could go after reality TV, popular music, and the fashion industry. You want to get even more creative, let’s hit the entertainment industry, advertising, and the Federal Government.

The truth is…it’s all of those things, isn’t it. You could seriously make a valid argument for any one of them. And if you can do that, then they must be partly responsible.

However you feel about it, a good irresponsible riot isn’t for everyone. I have devised a little quiz for you to see if you’re rioting material. Here goes:

1. You’re stuck in traffic; you only have an hour to go three blocks. You can see that the left turn lane is wide open, and even though you need to go straight, you…

a) Stay where you are. The left turn lane is for left-turners.
b) Wait to see if anyone else is using the left turn lane to beat traffic and once they do, follow them like you would an ambulance during rush-hour.
c) Drive in the goddamned lane. You’re a taxpayer; you pay for the whole goddamned street. It’s not your fault that everyone else is a bunch of stupid suck-jobs.

2. It’s time to set your sprinklers. You turn them on and notice that one of them is soaking the entire sidewalk, the street, and the neighbor’s cat, you…

a) Leave it, that cat’s filthy goddamnit.
b) Try to change it, but it’s too hard to move, besides, the neighbor needs to water too, right? It’ll only be on for a little while, and hey, maybe the street will grow hahaha.
c) Turn the water off and figure out how to get the water to stop hitting everything in the neighborhood.

3. Old Navy is having a terrific sale that would make the 99 cent store jealous. Your significant other already owns the entire catalogue, but just in case there was something missed, you are drug to Beverly Hills to perhaps pick up a fake fleece half-zip pullover made by a Taiwanese toddler. You take your merchandise into the dressing room to try it on, however due to the extreme inconsistency in the sizes at Old Navy, nothing fits. So you…

a) Gather up all of the ill-fitting clothing into one giant ball and head back out to the dressing room clerk. Before you do though, you grab the hangars; she’ll need ‘em.
b) Try to fold the clothes as neatly as possible and put them back on their hangars, if there were any to begin with. But honestly, they fold the shirts using those wooden things, you can’t really expect perfection…or can you?
c) Just leave the goddamned clothes. That’s what the employees get paid for, besides, the rest of the store looks like it’s been hit by a tropical storm so why should the fitting rooms be any different? Anyway, the workers should just be happy to have a job, especially one that gets them out of Inglewood for the day.

4. You’re walking down the street when you notice a nice shiny storefront window behind which are cheaply made yet expensive imported items that you couldn’t possibly be able to afford. You…

a) Pick up the nearest trash can (that’s not nailed to the ground) and throw it through the window. That’ll teach those goddamned elitists!
b) Window shop and dream of the day that you finally hit it rich and stop buying clothes made by the tiny fingers of Taiwanese toddlers. Then weep for the children…won’t anyone think of the children?! But never once think of the WTO.
c) Scoff at the US’s preoccupation with material goods and then put you cigarette out on the side of the building, but think twice about throwing the doused butt in the trash can that could be used to smash the window. Then you curse NAFTA.

Now that you’ve taken the quiz, do you have what it takes to riot like an LA superfan?

Score yourself:

1. A = 1 point, B = 3, C = 5
2. A = 5, B= 3, C = 5
3. A = 3, B = 1, C = 5
4. A = 5, B = 1, C = 3

16 – 20: You’re ready to rock mo-fo! Pick up a brick, dude, the party’s just commens- comensor- …getting started!

12 – 16: Maybe you could riot. Maybe you couldn’t. Is there anyone else doing it? Aw, crap, you only live once right?!

8 – 12: Is it a worthy cause? Can we live with the tyranny of the World Trade Organization? Did the Canucks really lose that badly? If you weren’t such a Leafs fan, you’d be there right now. Oh, who are you kidding?

4 – 8: Riot? You? Heavens no. Violence only begets violence, you know. It’s nothing that a strongly worded letter couldn’t fix. Oh there will be a riot alright…at the polls come election time!

Less than 4: You forgot to answer one, stupid.

Now you know.

Fun Fact: Tanya and I went to Bath and Body Works this weekend. Being the least macho man that I’ve ever met, I decided to buy something called Warm Vanilla Sugar body splash. Now I smell like dee-sert! Dee-lish! It’s like a riot in my nose! Uh-oh, cheese it, here come the pigs!

No comments: