Tuesday, April 06, 2004


You Only Live Once. Really? I swear we’ve done this before?

Average Joe: Adam’s Revenge was on last night. I feel I need to tell you because you may have been watching a more interesting program about Jesus and Paul (from the people who brought you ecstasy).

Same old crap, different gender (Average Joe, not Jesus).

You know, I used to kind of respect Adam. I thought for sure that he would do the right thing. He didn’t. But, it will be interesting to see how most men feel about that.

Once again, the fear of real commitment has reared its ugly head. Once again, there were casualties. Maybe it was because of the short run, but Adam didn’t waste much time with his choice. After some initial eliminations, it came down to haggard Samantha and schoolmarm Rachel.

Rachel should have read TAM before she went on the show, then she would have known that you can’t win the game if you actually want a serious relationship. Stupid, stupid girl.

In all fairness, yes it’s true that leather faced Samantha didn’t actually audition for the show. She was picked because of some creepy stalker letters that she sent to NBC. Obviously she liked the guy. I’d be willing to bet that she liked being on TV better.

So they go on their final dates. Unlike the first two shows where the guys were being picked, Average Joe: The Return of the Jedi didn’t take us to the homes of the hopefuls. Instead, we went to the big man him self’s house (well, his parent’s house).

“Sexism, you cry! Sexism!” No? You should! Hell, I was even a little insulted. I guess the producers of the show know who wears the pants in these relationships. I suppose that they know the importance of taking a woman home to the man’s house, I mean, how else is the money grubbing chick supposed to know how much wealth the dude (or his family) has and thusly make her choice? After all, I suppose she will have to know where she’ll be spending the rest of her Christmas’s, right?

Am I making too much of this? Probably. Let’s move on.

So the home dates went well. Adam introduced the girls to his crazy mother and his male and female clones. But seriously, Adam looked a lot like his sister, but really, really looked like his father. At least for Adam, there will be no rude awakenings. He’ll know exactly what he’s in for. Plus, if Adam ever goes missing for like ten years, there’ll be no need for those computer aged police photos.

There were some recaps of previous dates: Adam making out with Samantha. Adam talking with Rachel.

Adam gave Rachel a bracelet that says YOLO after she said “you only live once” during one of their dates. What are the odds!? "You only live once?!" “The postman always rings twice!” “It takes two to tango!” “A penny saved is a penny earned!” “Only the good die young!” "What would Jesus do?!"

As he so eloquently put it to her:

“That’s my…I use that as my…it’s my…I say that.”

You just know that the entire camera crew was biting their tongues trying not to yell out the word “MANTRA!”

Samantha and Adam made out on their final date and Adam’s mom accused her of being a materialistic Jewish princess (not in so many words).

Adam made out less with Rachel on their final date and Adam’s mom cried tears of joy at the prospect of having her for a daughter in law. Big mistake. Mom obviously doesn’t understand child psychology. Adam felt like she needed to have more passion. (Here’s a secret, buddy, elementary school teachers are full of surprises. Let’s face it; they hang around little kids and gay men all day. And sometimes they’re just aching for some “adult” time. Missed opportunity.)

Then the choosing came and, as I said, it was a bit anticlimactic.

Samantha, you look lovely…let’s do it in the plane!”

Rachel, you look lovely…I hope that mascara’s water proof, hop on the bus.

But then Rachel did something kinda’ cool. She didn’t say something stupid like “well, I hope you two are happy. I just want you two to be happy. If only you two would be happy!”

She called him out.

Adam tried to make his choice sound better than Melana’s or Larrisa’s. Nice try, bud.

Everything about this finale was the same as the last two shows. The more sincere one gets the final date. The more sincere one gets out of the limo last. The more sincere one gets the royal shaft.

I would accuse the producers of making it look like Rachel was the better choice by leaving out little facts about Samantha, like she runs an orphanage for terminal babies or something, but these producers couldn’t even change up the format of their show! They’re morons.

The only thing that would have made this insipid show worth my while would have been if Rachel would have ripped off her YOLO bracelet, thrown it at Adam, and shouted,

“Here, Give this to your WHORE!!”

Fun Fact: Here’s a sure fire way to get a pot bellied pig to squeal on cue: Have the DA exchange immunity for testimony.

Yuk, yuk, yuk, I got a million of ‘em.

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