Tuesday, January 18, 2005

The Golden Calf

Not just the nickname for my lower leg. It’s also the false idol made famous in the Old Testament.

And how I see the Golden Globe Awards. Much ado about nothing. Well, they were this last weekend as you know. I didn’t watch them. How’s that for a story, huh? A blog post about an event that I didn’t even witness. I should get a job with USA Today.

The evening started out well enough, I’m sure. The celebrities all walked the red carpet in their formal regalia, I expect. And everyone was all a twitter to see how Tinsletown would turn out on this most festive of occasions…I suppose.

Who would win? Who would…not win. Who really gives a leaping crap? The Hollywood Foreign Press Association does. This is their big night really. It has been for a while now. After all, when you’re a member of the Hollywood Foreign Press, what else do you have to do?

Be foreign?

I have always been baffled about the HFPA. What the hell do they do? Are they from Hollywood? Are they really foreign? And what exactly passes for “press” these days?

I’ve found the answers through an exhaustive search of the HFPA website. You can read all about it there. But I’ll give you the gist of it, in case you’re lazy like me.

WWII was gripping the entire world. Hundreds of thousands of brave soldiers were being slaughtered every week. But perhaps the greatest casualty of this brutal war was the entertainment news. It seems that foreign reporters were having trouble getting the hard-hitting stories back to the multitudes. Sure, the French were being marched on and taken over town by town. But more importantly, Orson Wells was loosing his battle with obesity, getting fatter and fatter and, with the Nazis ravaging Paris, the poor French were woefully unaware.

Enter a group of intrepid entertainment reporters determined to inform the world. They banded together to form a syndicate dedicated to sharing stories and spreading Hollywood hype to the four corners of the globe.

It worked for a while. But soon disbanded. Then started up again. Then split into two groups. Then combined again to form the HFPA in 1955.

And the world has been a better place ever since. Now all of the world, not just America, can be inundated with the painfully inane details of the obscenely rich and famous.

Thank you Hollywood Foreign Press Association. We are eternally grateful. And thank you for having the most obsequious awards show on network television. You make the VIBE award look like the Nobel Prize Competition.

Not that I didn’t agree with some of the choices. I like that lady from Law and Order and Jason Bateman. But really, did half of the cast of Desperate Housewives need to be nominated? That show’s brand friggin new! Give it a while to start sucking at least. Just because you think it’s “cool,” HFPA, doesn’t mean that it’s the best. Now who’s desperate, huh? Desperate to be hip?

I’ll wait for the Oscars if you don’t mind.

At least those are voted on by industry people. Not just gawkers and toadies.

And buying an Oscar costs exponentially more. That must mean something, shouldn’t it? You get what you pay for, right? Right, Teri Hatcher?

Fun Fact: I’m wearing a green shirt today. See:

Told you. Man, I need to shave.

Also, there’s no new TAM Cartoon this morning. I didn’t draw one yesterday. I was too busy living Dr. King’s dream. I hope to have it up maybe later today.

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