Monday, January 10, 2005

There’s 100% Chance of Rain, Tornado Advisories and a Winter Storm Warning in Effect for the next 24 Hours…In My Heart, Brad and Jen.

Say it ain’t so! Brad and Jennifer broke up. It’s the big news story of the morning. Well, that, and the incessant rain that’s pounding southern California bringing with it highly destructive floods, mudslides and horrendous mountain snow.

But really, what’s a little death and mayhem compared to the breakup of one of history’s most powerful celebrity monarchies? Nothing, that’s what! Lets’ just take a little time to reflect on what used to be, shall we?

It all started seven years ago. I was still in college then. Life was simpler. “Friends” was still going strong on Thursday night television. But “Beverly Hills 90210” was on its last legs. Brad Pitt was not on Beverly Hills 90210. He didn’t attend my college either.

But somehow I seemed to feel a great connection to Brad Pitt. Like a person may feel with a celebrity. Sure, we didn’t know each other. Sure, I didn’t think about him much. But we had a connection. It was more like a mutual disregard. It was bliss. We were both better people because of it.

As for Jennifer Aniston, well, let’s just say that we had something more. I thought she was cute. I didn’t have that with Brad. But the mutual disregard was still there. She’ll always be my special gal. Or, at least, my “so-so” gal. But a gal nonetheless.

Since that time our relationship has grown into something that can’t be explained. But let me try. Splendiferousness? No, that’s not it. How could it be? They’ve been in the tabloids together for the last seven years. I’ve been inundated with their ups and downs. Oh, I’ve got it, the perfect description of my relationship for Brad and Jen…


It’s our complete lack of regard for each other that brings us closer. They care for me as I care for them. Not one iota.

That’s why this is important. That’s why this is worthy of being national news. Brad and Jennifer is us! They’re bigger than floods and snow and death and destruction. They’re celebrities!

We all are in our own little way.

Brad and Jen's lives are so important to me! Thank you media for bringing me every detail that I was afraid to stalk them for.

Here’s a poem dedicated to the top news stories of this morning entitled “My Heart is Flooded with the Rain and Melting Snow Runoff that is Brad and Jen’s Trip to Splitsville.”

My Heart is Flooded with the Rain and Melting Snow Runoff that is Brad and Jen’s Trip to Splitsville

You were just in the Caribbean
Canoodling for the cameras

Was it real?

Inside you were knee deep in the standing waters of sorrow
With occasional swells that threatened the homes on the beaches of your secret feelings

Then it hit
Didn’t it?
Didn’t it?

A mudslide.

Your love was like owning a home in the Hollywood Hills
The view was spectacular
And it’s monetary worth seemed to only increased with the passing time

But you ignored the neighbors
Didn’t you?
Didn’t you?

They told the truth.

When it rains, it floods
When it’s dry, it catches on fire easier than my stovetop gas burners
Was it worth the risk?

Now you’ve done it
Haven’t you?
Haven’t you?

Now your house lies in a heap at the bottom of Laurel Canyon

You wanted her to be as ripe with babies
As the black clouds over my apartment are with rain
Let’s face it, Brad, You’re not getting any younger

Watch out
Watch out

Angelina Jolie is like the lake-sized puddle at the end of my driveway
Through the murky water you can’t see what kind of ickies live in its moist depths

Wear a raincoat
Wear a raincoat


Fun Fact: A car can hydroplane on a wet road at 30 mph. However, a hydroplane cannot “car” at any speed.

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