Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Rescuing the World One Misguided Idiot at a Time

So, I’m watching the news this morning. As I do every morning. And there was stuff about Johnny Carson and the war in Iraq (although, disturbingly, not much about Iraq). There were a lot of stories about the Oscar nominations accompanied by speculation on who will win. Paul Giamatti was robbed. But then there were a couple of stories that really disturbed me.

The first one that I’ll bring up was about a prom dress designer who fashioned and marketed a prom dress so revealing that it would even make J-Lo say, “I’d look like a tramp in that thing!”

So, this dress designer is on the Today show this morning and Katie Couric is reading him the riot act, “how can you market a dress like this to kids blah, blah, blah.”

The slutty dress is this guy’s top seller at the moment. Seems that teens can’t get whory enough come prom night. He’s backpedaling and talking about the 300 other dresses in his line that aren’t guaranteed to get the wearer pregnant before her senior year and all I can think is “hey, Katie, leave the dude alone! If a girl wants to dress like a stripper at closing time, so freaking be it, right?!”

There was also a parent on the show or something to offer rebuttal to the designer, although she was not needed. Katie left any lingering shred of her journalistic integrity on the nightstand this morning. She was dishing it out to this guy pretty good without the angry mommy.

They even took a picture of the dress to the streets to get indignant comments from passersby.

Obviously, they wanted this dude to take the dress off the market. But why the hell should he? I’ve got a bit of advice for parents; now, keep in mind that I have no children so I’m no expert or anything, but if you don’t want your teenaged girl to dress like she’s giving away free handjobs, then don’t buy the gaddamned dress for her!

Why is it the designer’s problem that your teenager has the kind of self esteem that needs to be paid for with her breasts. The guy’s not manufacturing opium for chrissake. Your daughter will do just fine without the dress. And if she goes into DT’s because for one night her punnani’s not greeting the world, then she’s got bigger problems and should probably be removed from school altogether.

The dress isn’t the problem. The dress was never the problem, people. The dress is a symptom. But that’s what we do these days. We run around stomping out brushfires while our houses burn to the ground.

I’ve been really getting fed up with it lately because my damned cigarettes are so freaking expensive. Why do I have to pay so much damned tax? Aren’t cheeseburgers bad for you too? Where’s the 100% cheeseburger tax?

And see, here’s the problem. I’ll bet that for a second you thought, “well, he shouldn’t be smoking in the first place.” But I’m, a big boy now. A big, stupid boy. Why does the government get to put a tax on cigarettes just because they’re not good for me? And don’t say because cigarette smoking contributes to the declining health of the entire nation and therefore puts an unfair burden on hospitals caring for uninsured smokers. If that’s the case, then why can’t my cigarette tax go toward my impending health care costs?

My point is that, I get a bit tired of everyone trying to tell everyone else what to do. It’s perhaps the biggest problem that we face in this country right now. George Bush doesn’t want to allow people to have abortions or let gays marry, but telling gangbangers that they can’t own assault rifles would interfere with their constitutional rights.

Where’s the accountability? It’s always someone else’s fault, isn’t it?

“My daughter’s a slut…I’m going to sue Victoria’s Secret!”

“I’m fat…Damn you McDonalds, you’re going to pay!”

There was another story in the news this morning. One that’s a little more delicate. You can find out more about this story on the Smoking Gun. This lady in Colorado, Sylvia Johnson, admitted to giving alcohol and drugs to underage boys at her home (16 and 17-year-olds) as well as having sexual contact with them because she wanted to be the “cool mom.”

The chick is creepy. She obviously has some issues still swirling around from high school. But these boys came over to her house, got drunk and high and made it with a 40-year-old woman. Now one of them is making the media circuit telling the horrible tale of how he was taken advantage of when he was 17.

Excuse me?

Look, I don’t want to detract anything from this kid’s obvious pain, he can’t eat, he can’t sleep… But come on, man. He wasn’t 12. He was 17. People have fought and died in wars younger than that.

I’m trying not to be too cynical, because stuff like this should be taken seriously. But I can’t believe how much this guy has invested in his quest to dissolve any sense of personal accountability. I’m not saying that he should wander through the rest of his life with horrible guilt and self-hatred…

She didn’t make him go to her house. She didn’t make him drink beer and whisky. She didn’t force meth down his throat. But, because she’s supposed to be the mature adult, everything’s her fault. The lady is obviously not mature. Obviously, she has mental problems. What happened at her house was mostly her fault. But it’s time for teenager’s parents to wake up to the fact that their little angels aren’t three anymore.

If you can’t teach your kid to take responsibility for their actions, they’re not going to learn to do it by themselves.

George Bush still hasn’t.

Oh, look, I got all political right there at the end. What an angry post. I hate teenagers.

Fun Fact: SpongeBob SquarePants supports homos! He’s a homo-lover! And so are the Muppets! Homos, all of them!

The Rev. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, thinks so. He’s bringing his Christian beliefs of love, understanding and forgiveness to the fight against queers. Diversity and tolerance have no role in Christianity! Charity doesn’t extend to fags.

Boycott SpongeBob! He likes gays! He actually thinks that they’re people with feelings! What a stupid little sponge!

So put on your round pants and take a stand against the wholesale killer of the American family…homosexuals! And while we’re at it, let’s stick it to Czechs too. They think Prague is sooooo pretty.

Screw you, Czechs!

And the new Tam Cartoon is up for those of you who aren’t gay or Czech. Intoleriffic!

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