Monday, March 07, 2005

Really, We Had It Coming

The U.S. Insurance Institute for Highway Safety has determined that small cars are hopelessly under-protected if a Hummer slams into them at 30mph. The drivers of the small cars could be killed instantly.

Obviously, the problem here is the cars. Not the SUVs. SUVs are holy, blameless creatures. Especially Hummers. Hummers are too completely practical to be considered a nuisance.

And thank god they made Humvees cheaper!

But not just SUVs. After all, the institute’s side crash tests didn’t just focus on SUV impact. Mini-vans and those gargantuan v10 pickups were also considered.

The study concluded that the general car-driving population isn’t safe because their side panels are just not up to snuff. That’s not acceptable. SUVs are a fact of life now. It’s time that the “car people” came to grips. I have a suggestion for all the car driving people of the US.

Buy an SUV, pussies!

You’ve been warned. Not indulging in the all-American notion of selfish excess may result in grisly death. And while you’re out buying that new SUV, why not take the opportunity to add some 30inch woofers, stereo surround sound, a playstation and a DVD player for the tikes. You know, kids can’t be expected to just do nothing during the 15 minutes it takes to get from school to karate class. And don’t worry about the distraction, you’re safe…you’re driving an SUV!

All hail the SUV! They’ve rendered automobile safety obsolete. That’s something to be proud of. And thank you to the U.S. Insurance Institute for Highway Safety for conducting a study that, in the interest of personal safety, will spur more people to buy the very type of car that’s causing the problem in the first place.

Wait, I just thought about something really scary. What will protect the SUV against the semi truck?

And why are semi trucks called semi trucks? Do they make some bigger?!

I can’t think about this right now. My head is spinning. I have to put together a complaint against Old Navy. After conducting several independent tests, it turns out that my polar fleece half-zip pullover won’t actually stop a bullet! I could be killed!

Guns don’t kill people, weak-sauce half-zip pullovers do!

Fun Fact: Anthropomorphic car engines that eerily crawl from their engine block, scoot across the driveway and vomit up oil onto people legs with disgustingly accurate sound effects make me little ill.

That’s a fact.

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