Tuesday, March 29, 2005


What would Jesus smell like if you made a candle out of him? According to Psalm 45 it’s myrrh, aloe and cassia. And now you can have the smell of Jesus right in your own home.

A South Dakota couple has started making the candles, bizarrely called “his essence.” It’s nice to know that Jesus’ essence is as simple as that.

But this brand new scent is very exciting to me. I’m not Christian as you already know, but I think it would be cool to have my living room smell like he’d just spent the night on the couch.

I’m a huge candle lover. I really am. I’ve recently discovered that Ross has a large selection of great candles at a very reasonable price. We just bought a wine scented candle there. It’s fantastic.

But now that there’s the Jesus candle, I’ll be on the lookout for a bread scented candle. I’m taking this thing to the next level. I’m going to get my candles together. Wine, bread and Jesus. It’s going to smell like the last supper in here before too long.

But I’m not sure if I can get my hands on “essence of 12 sweaty guys” and “bitter betrayal.”

You know what really amazes me about this whole Jesus candle thing? What the hell took so long? There should have been Jesus candles for years. It’s not as if myrrh, aloe and cassia are all that difficult to get your hands on. There’s no reason for it. It’s as inexplicable as U2’s popularity and longevity.

And why stop at candles? Why not let all of us smell like Jesus all the time?

I want Jesus cologne! We could call it “Savior” or “Emmanuel” or “J-Man” or something.

Actually, I have the perfect name for it. “SON” It’s hip, it’s apropos, it’s stylish. The men want to be Jesus, the women want to be near him. Maybe I’m just excited to see the television commercials for the stuff. It would be the ultimate perfume commercial ever made. All artsy and cool and conspicuously aloof.

FADE IN on white room filled with staircases and crucifixes.

Willowy Woman: (sad and sexy) He died for me…

Scrawny Man-Boy: (strong…and sexy) He died for all of us…

WW: Son…

SM-B: Son…

Enter Jesus descending from heaven

Jesus: (sexy) I smell like myrrh…



Don’t worry. There’s no such thing as the over-commercialization of religion these days. In a recent poll of the popularity of religious leaders, Billy Graham beat the Pope. Right on. Testify Billy! But where was Jesse Jackson? He’s saving Michael Jackson and Terri Shiavo! How many brain-dead people does a brother have to protect to make a dumb list these days?!

Fun Fact: There’s was an exciting addition to the netscape yesterday. It’s a brand new blog. That’s right, the wait is finally over. Tanya is entering the fray. Sucker. Thanks to a nagging curiosity (and some encouraging words from Jo), she’s decided to give it a go. Visit her brand new blog Chez Sarcastica.

Of course I’ll be posting a link to the right. I expect you to go there every day. EVERY DAY! And YOU WILL LIKE IT!

So, no longer is Tanya my Joan Rivers, she is now her own Vicki Lawrence. Good luck! Now I just have to teach her how to link to my blog and raise my traffic. It’s a win/win.

Also, the wait is over in another respect. The brand spanking new TAM Cartoon is finally up! Mediocre-iffic!

Aaaannnndddd…. an extra added bonus today. This morning I heard a horrible remix of the fantastic “War” classic tune “Spill the Wine.” And I realized something – I have absolutely no idea what the hell the chorus of that song is saying! And then I realized something else – I doubt that anyone else does either. So as a public service, here are the lyrics to the chorus of War’s masterpiece “Spill the Wine.”

Spill the wine and take that pearl, Spill the wine and take that pearl Spill the wine and take that pearl, Spill the wine and take that pearl

…of course. “Take that pearl.” Turns out that I was hearing the lyrics right after all. I just figured I had to be wrong. I was wrong about being wrong. I underestimated the absurdity of the psychedelic movement.

Never again.

No comments: