Monday, June 06, 2005

Drivin’ Me Nuts

A pirate walks into a bar with a huge ships wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender asks him, “Hey, Blackbeard, what’s with the steering wheel?” The Pirate replies, “Arrrgh, I dunno, but it’s…(See title of post).”

GMAC, the financial and insurance end of General Motors, did a study on the driving habits of the general population and then ranked them best to worst, state by state.

Needless to say, California ranked very low. #43…out of 49.

I know what you’re thinking. “Aren’t there 50 states?” “Didn’t we force ourselves on Hawaii a while back?”

Well, if you’re saying that second part, you’re probably Hawaiian. And yes, we did. There are still 50 states. But nobody cares how people drive in Hawaii or Alaska.

Again, your math doesn’t check out does it?

Don’t forget that included on the list is that one “weirdo non-state thingie,” Washington DC.

Confused? In that case, chances are you’re from Rhode Island. And a moron. A moron who can’t drive.

That’s right, Rhode Island tested the worst with an average driver’s test score of 77%.

I should clarify here. GMAC re-administered driver’s test to 5,000 fully licensed drivers. A 20 question test with basic driving rules. And the results concluded that nearly 1 out of 10 drivers on the road right now would fail to qualify for their driver’s license if forced to take the exam over again. And a vast majority of bad drivers come from the Northeast.

The study revealed that many drivers find basic practices, such as merging and interpreting road signs, difficult. And one out of five drivers doesn't know that a pedestrian in a crosswalk has the right of way.

One out of three drivers speeds up to make a yellow light, even when pedestrians are present.


Is it any surprise to anyone that so many people would fail? If you want to catch a bad driver in the act here in California all you have to do is look at the street. No one uses turn signals. No one appreciates the basic principals of “right-of-way.”

No one understands that when I flip them off, the need to get out of my way.

But I’m one of the horribly cursed. Cursed with exceptional driving skills. Sure, I only passed the driving portion of my driving test by one point. But to be fair, I was tricked. A half a percent slope in the damned road does not constitute parking on a freaking hill! You bastards!

Sorry, that was for my test administrator more than it was for you. They’ll understand. And I hope they’re ashamed.

But I did get my license in one try. That’s something, I guess.

But my real curse is being one of the enlightened among pagans. See, I was taught to drive in Washington State. #2 on the list. Second best only to Oregon.

All I can say is that, as great driver here in Southern California, sometimes it’s lonely at the (black) top.

Fun Fact: I came across as a little…overconfident…about my driving skills in that post. I don’t like to toot my own horn…except when some ass-jerk is driving like an ass-jerk.

I’m the best driver on the road!

It’s a fact.

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