Monday, June 20, 2005

Now I’m Walking Through My Front Door *chir-r-r-r-rp*

What the hell *chir-r-r-r-rp* is the purpose of *chir-r-r-r-r-rp* two-way pagers? *Chir-r-r-r-rp.*

Did the people who have and utilize two-way *chir-r-r-r-r-r-rp* pagers flunk the policeman’s aptitude *chir-r-r-r-rp* test? *Chir-r-r-r-rp*. Did they always want to be cops? *Chir-r-r-r-r-rp*. I’m just trying to figure out *chir-r-r-r-rp* why in hell people would want to walk around *chir-r-r-r-r-rp* holding their cell phones two feet away from their *chir-r-r-rp* mouths like walkie-talkies. *Chir-r-r-r-r-rp*

The only thing more aggravating than reading all this *chir-r-r-r-r-r-rp* “chirping.” Is having to actually listen to it. *Chir-r-r-r-r-rp.*

My neighbor is a horrible offender. Whenever he comes home, I feel like I’m being surrounded by the swat team. Because I’m pretty damned sure that my apartment isn’t being prepared for a mission to the moon…over.

I realize that the “chirp” is there to let the moron on the end of the phone know that the other moron is done speaking. And while I’m really glad that the miracle of technology has finally been able to save us all the added effort of saying the word “over” at the end of each sentence…over…does the damned chirp have to be so loud? I’ve heard car alarms with more subtlety.

But seriously, why two-way pagers? People actually want this feature. I guess it’s one way to get attention. It’s simpler than faking your own kidnapping or auditioning for a reality TV show.

Personally, I don’t want everybody at Starbucks to hear my phone conversations. But that’s why my cell phone has this really interesting feature; it’s called – the phone! It’s a lot like a two way pager, but the conversation happens in real time. And there’s no chirping so you can keep the receiver to your ear without the imminent threat of becoming deaf. It’s like some kind of telecommunications miracle.

Of course, I’m assuming that my cell phone conversations are important or private. Of course, they’re not. If they were, I wouldn’t be having them in line for cheap Chinese food at the Panda Express.

And I know that other people’s conversations aren’t any more important. I’ve heard them. I’ve eavesdropped on them.

In college I had this really old and cheap TV set that had a radio-type dial. You had to “tune in” the TV stations. But if you slid the tuner all the way to the top of the bandwidth, you could pick up other people’s cell phone conversations.

My god they were boring.

98% of them were simply a running commentary on what the two people were doing. Seriously, has it gotten so bad that we can’t go on with our little lives without knowing what street our loved-ones are turning onto at any given moment?

Which reminds me…I have to call Tanya so I can listen to her as she reads this post silently to herself.

Fun Fact: Doing little household “fixit” projects can make you feel great about yourself.

But here’s a warning. Don’t snake out the bathroom sink if you’re not prepared for the slimy monster that you’re inevitably going to release from the underworld.

Trust me.

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