Wednesday, June 01, 2005

We Must Rescue the Women Folk

After all, they’re defenseless and…let’s face it…more than a little, well…dim.


That’s why all of us burly men must raise up our rugged, strong arms in a fit of rage at what the tobacco company tried to do to the weaker sex.

They tried to sell them cigarettes!

The nerve of some people.

A recent study from the brains at the Harvard School of Public Health has uncovered a dastardly plan from the late 90s to market cancer giving cigarettes to chicks. The researchers studied insider documents, now made public, and found that tobacco marketers did a study of men and women in order to discern key differences in the sexes.

I mean besides the obvious penis-vagina, Mars-Venus type differences.

They then took the findings from this study and developed a line of nicotine-laced products that would appeal to women. One of which was a chocolate flavored cigarette that curbs the appetite.

The study determined that women are more health-conscious. Therefore they prefer pretentious cigarettes that have lower tar and a sweet smell to mask the promise of a slow, expensive death.

I have to say a few things. First, I’m a smoker. A half-a-pack a day smoker. Secondly, I know that smoking is bad for you. I’m not a complete moron. I just act like one. Thirdly, I don’t condone the underhanded marketing strategies of the tobacco industry.

But what the hell kind of stupid-ass news story is this?

Hate it or tolerate it, smoking is legal. Selling cigarettes and other tobacco products is legal. Marketing cigarettes is legal (unless you do it during a NASCAR event. Leave auto racing sponsorship to the alcohol companies. Don’t smoke and drive, kids). So where is the wrong here? Why is this news?

Because women were targeted, that’s why.

And women are weak. Women need men to protect them. Women need group therapy and support groups and a collection of bestest friends and quilting bees. Women can’t handle the tobacco companies alone.

Women are no match for chocolate flavored cigarettes that curb the appetite.


I’ve noticed a large resurgence in sexism lately. I think it’s a byproduct of…and god do I hate to say this…9-11. Firefighters and “real heroes” and the Iraq war and Jessica Lynch...

Look for it. It’s everywhere, I tell you.

But back to the study. Marketing is marketing. When you have a product, you have to sell it. It’s about money. Everything is about money. Why should the tobacco industry be vilified because they’re trying to find ways to get people to but their products? Because it kills people?

In that case, can we stop marketing SUVs to middle aged women?

See, sexism. Everywhere.

Cars kill people. But they keep making them bigger and faster and more deadly. Alcohol kills people, but now it can be part of your “low carb, active lifestyle

But there is a lighter side to this whole thing, the lead researcher and author of the study, Carrie Carpenter.

A fine woman out to do some good, I’m sure. A pawn to her male oppressors? Maybe. She had some really great quotes. She feels that this marketing plan goes far beyond normal marketing strategies.

She feels that women were unfairly targeted to become hopeless addicts. She also feels that the research done by the tobacco companies should have been used for a better purpose – to help women quit smoking.


I don’t think Ms. Carpenter has a very firm grasp on market research.

Tobacco Researcher: Gentlemen of the board, our studies have been completed and we’ve uncovered a great deal about the smoking habits of women.

President of Some Big Tobacco Company: Good job, Phillips! Lay it on us! *cough, cough*

TR: If we implement the findings of our study, we can help more women quit smoking than ever before! Then we can all close up shop and start a new business! I was thinking we could make and sell teddy bears! Our market research shows that women love teddy bears. Especially ones they can smoke!

PoSBTC: Ummm....*cough cough*

Fun Fact: This news story scrolled across the bottom of my TV all morning.

I’ve never wanted a chocolate, appetite suppressing cigarette so much in my life!

But they don’t make them.

Damn tobacco companies! Where’s the follow through?! Stupid chicks.

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