Wednesday, April 20, 2005


That’s French for “shut the hell up!”

I’m writing again today, but I thought that I would leave you with a list of people who I would like to…shut the hell up:

My Next Door Neighbors: Your “band” makes me want to stick 1,000 galvanized finishing nails in my audial canal. The left feet of each of the Rolling Stones are spinning in their graves.

The News Media: We get it! A new Pope was elected. Sheesh, you would think that the entire world actually give a rat’s anus!

The USDA and CDC: For your baffling food pyramids and conflicting information about the dangers of being overweight. For one, exercise isn’t a food and doesn’t belong on a “food pyramid.” I would think that’s obvious. And second, no one ever thought that being 15 pounds overweight was going to significantly shorten your life expectancy. People aren’t as dumb as you are trying to make them feel.

Rampaging Korean Elephants: You think you’re so cool. Look, I could escape from a zoo parade and ransack a restaurant too. But I posses a little something I like to call “decorum.”

George Bush: Just because I have a standing request.

Paula Abdul: Stop incessantly interrupting. Simon is supposed to be the mean one, but at least he has some manners. And, please, get yourself to NA or AA or AFTRA or wherever you need to go...immediately. Vous êtes un serpent chaleureux froid.

That’s French for…shut the hell up.

Fun Fact: I’m a bit chilly this morning. Not fun, but oh so factual.

And 7-Eleven was the first convenience store to advertise on TV. Their animated commercial ran in 1949 and had a singing rooster and owl [selling cigarettes to minors].

I added that last part.

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