Friday, April 01, 2005

Fool Me Once, Shame on You

Fool me twice…you’re a dick.

It’s April Fool’s Day. I hate April Fool’s Day. How can I get behind any day designed solely to make me look like an idiot? I can look like an idiot the rest of the 364 days of the year. I’m very good at it in fact.

I think they should invent a holiday designed to make me look smart. We could call it TAM is Smart Day! It would be the bestest holiday ever! And we could all get together and sing songs about my brilliance. Sure it would be a hollow celebration. But if we can have Women’s History Month…?

I kid, stop it. I think women have done many great things in history. If there were no women, the greatest people in history…would have dirty wrinkled shirts!

HA! Zammo! Another zinger! I’m just kidding. I think women are great, I think Women’s History Month (which was March, by the way) is very important. In fact, if you love WHM as much as I do, don’t forget that June 14th is Flag Day!

Stop it. I’m not here to display misogyny. I’m here to talk about April Fool’s Day. A useless holiday.

But some people live for this holiday. My friend Tosha, for one. She loves it. Is it because she’s a jerk? Perhaps. But it’s more than that, I expect. In fact, I’d be little sad if she didn’t even try to make me feel like a dumbass this year. I’m sure she’s plotting something as I type this. Maybe not for me. But for some poor sap. If Tosha calls you tonight, you’ll know why. Don’t believe her when she says “No, I swear, it’s true! You’d know if I were lying! I wouldn’t lie about this…” There’s something afoot.

And don’t accept anything she has to offer. Those little powdered donuts are actually coated in baking soda and flea and tick powder. And those delicious looking chocolates? They’re baking chocolate…dipped in strychnine.

I hate not being able to trust people simply because of the calendar. I like to not trust people for other reasons. Mostly having to do with socioeconomics or racial profiling.

But even the president’s getting into the sprit this year. He’s announced that he’s going to get to the bottom of the US intelligence failure that “forced” him to bomb Iraq.

April Fool’s!

I have to admit, the president knows how to commit to a prank. But, as I’ve said a few times, I hate April Fool’s Day. I’ve been pranked one too many times. The worst was by my own, sainted mother.

She decided that a 9-year-old was old enough to understand a cruel joke. But my sister really fell for it. She was one gullible 7-year-old.

We were living in Deer Park, Washington at the time. We had just settled into a new house. A big new house. But an old new house. A creepy house most of the time. There were two bedrooms downstairs and one upstairs. For some reason my sister got the upstairs bedroom. Upstairs there were just two rooms. My sister’s bedroom and a big open room which I loved. The reason was because when the last tenants moved out, they left a bunch of crap in there. And a lot of that crap was toys and stuff.

I used to spend a lot of time up there playing with the dirty leftover toys.

Anyway, one day we’re sitting at the dinner table and my mom starts talking to herself. Mumbling. “Yes…” “Okay…” “I’ll tell them…”

My sister and I were confused. But my mom explained the “sinister” truth. She said that she was talking to a little girl. A little girl that used to live in the house. A little girl who had died in the house!

As if we kids weren’t freaked out enough, mom tells us that the little girl is upset that my sister has take over her old room. And if we didn’t want to be haunted forever, we would have to move Mandy’s stuff out of there before midnight.

Of course we were terrified. Not only were we supposed to move my sister’s crap out of the upstairs, there was also a ghost up there too.

Now, I suspected that something was going on. But my own mother wouldn’t do something as mean as this, right?

Wrong. She did it.

After moving a dresser, a side table and about 6 boxes of Barbie crap, as my sister and I were trying to heave her mattress down the narrow back stairs, my mom finally felt guilty enough to let us in on her dumb April Fool’s prank.

Needless to say, we were not amused. And it took my sister a week to get up the courage to move back into her room.

Thanks mom. April Fool’s Day sucks!

Fun Fact: As you may have already guessed, that last story isn’t true. My mother is a saint! she would have never done that to her young children. Shame on you if you believed it! What kind of person do you think my mother is anyway?!

Besides, it was a really bad story. Obviously fake.

If my mom had decided to do something like that to us, she would never have told us she was joking.

I really do hate April Fool’s Day though. Hate it, hate it, hate it!

Oh, and the new TAM Cartoon is up! Foolicious! And happy TAM is Smart Day!!

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