Friday, April 15, 2005

I Want an Old Drug

One that will make will make my heart explode.

A judge has just lifted the ban on ephedra in Utah. People want their speed, I guess. But the question remains, are people insanely stupid because of the drugs or in spite of them?

When the “supplement” was banned back in 2003 there was a run on the drug stores. Everybody had to have the stuff before it went the way of the Dodo. I know. I was clocking the ephedra industry at the time. I’ve taken it. I took it for about a week. I was desperate to lose weight. Diet and exercise were just too hard for me at the time. But when my central nervous system started to feel like the finalist in a swing dance competition, I had to stop.

Of course, I have a low tolerance. I’m the guy who can’t drink coffee on the mornings that I’m going to draw the cartoon because after two cups I can’t make a straight line. I also can’t drink Red Bull without shimmying worse than my old ’71 Nova for the rest of the day.

I’m a stimulant wuss. Cigarettes and Diet Pepsi, that’s my limit.

Now, the FDA isn’t too happy about the judge’s decision. After all, ephedra has been connected to a number of deaths. I don’t think anyone really knows how many for sure. And was it the drug’s fault or the morons who were taking 5 times the recommended dose?

That’s the problem. That’s why I’ll bet that this drug hits the shelves again soon in your neighborhood. Personally, I don’t care. I’m not taking it ever again. It’s nasty stuff. But it is the most effective “supplement” of its kind. And people everywhere will be clamoring for it. Cocaine and heroin also work remarkably well.

The only reason that I don’t want to see ephedra back on the market is because I don’t want to be inundated with the news of the inevitable lawsuits that will follow. People will take it knowing full well the dangers, die and then their families will clog up the courts with wrongful death lawsuits.

“Wrongful death.” Half the time, the person who died should be the defendant in the wrongful death case. “My son Billy got stoned and drove his Explorer off a bridge into a river and drowned. I’m suing Ford for not making a waterproof SUV…”

But I guess it could be considered “disrespectful to the deceased” to sue them for dying. And you wouldn’t make a hell of a lot of money off it. But, damn it, the record would show that you were right! And being right is priceless. Take that, dead idiot.

These days, if you choose to go swimming with the sharks…the sharks better have a good lawyer.

Some people are just plain dumb. And bewilderingly fickle.

Doctor: Here’s some medication to help alleviate the pain of your arthritis. But you should know that it could make your heart stop beating.

Patient: What’s the matter with you, Doc?! I’m not taking that stuff! My mind numbing pain is no reason for me to put my life in danger.

Doctor: You’re right. You could probably relieve some of your arthritis inflammation if you simply lost some weight. You could diet and exercise…or you could take some ephedra. But I have to warn you that ephedra could make your heart stop beating.

Patient: Ephedra, eh? No diet or exercise? Could make my heart stop beating? ...Oh, well, no one said weight loss was easy…I’ll take the pills!


Fun Fact: The latest TAM Cartoon is up. With a timely weight-loss theme! Fattastic!

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