Monday, April 18, 2005

TAM’s Reading Corner

I hope that you’ve done your homework because today I’m going to be discussing one of the great classics from American literature. The May 2005 issue of Glamour Magazine.

As timeless as it is topical.

Yes, okay, occasionally I read Glamour Magazine. Tanya gets it and sometimes I can’t help myself. I have to see those latest Do’s and Don’ts.

But I’m not here to talk about women with black bars over their eyes and ill-fitting swimsuits crawling up their rears. I’m here to take issue with one of this month’s featured “articles.”

Glamour, like all magazines, likes to tease potential buyers by boldly printing their “headlines” on the front cover. Headlines like “Figure Flattery Special! 102 Ways to Dress Your Body Better” and “Better Skin from Head to Toe.” They’re usually fairly generic and the articles are little more than glorified advertisements for high end fashion chains. But that’s what women expect. After all, if a woman needs a boatneck shirt to accentuate her narrow shoulders, then it’s always good to know that you can pick one up at Banana Republic for just under $75.

But headlines like that won’t bring in everybody. Women’s magazines need some edge. They need some sex. And although the O.C.’s Mischa Barton is indeed a cute chick, she can only really hope to sexually satisfy Glamour’s lesbian readership. And from the lack of articles about Ellen DeGeneres, I can only assume that lesbians aren’t Glamour’s main concern. In any case, it’s not like it’s the Utne Reader or anything.

I kid the lesbians.

No, Glamour needs to hook the sexually enlightened 30-something women with engaging articles about the sexual desires of men. Ironically, most of the time the articles are all about how men can better satisfy women in bed. Which doesn’t seem to do the women a lot of good unless the men in their lives happen to thumb through a copy of Glamour. And if a woman’s boyfriend/husband is secure enough to read through his wife’s/girlfriend’s chick mag then there probably isn’t much of a problem anyway (I’ll keep telling myself that). And if their hubby/b-friend refuses to read that “chick crap” or goes out to purchase a copy of his own, then there are bigger issues than some poorly written, one-page article can begin to fix.

Get to the point, you say? Sure. This months sexy foray into the minds of men brings us an article titled “Woah! The 15 Secret Sex Fantasies Every Guy Has.”

Catchy, no? Especially in bold-faced type on the front cover. And the “Woah!” sure does titillate. I mean, there’s an exclamation point after it! It must be steamy! Fasten your seatbelts, ladies! Get ready to gain an intimate knowledge of every man’s deepest desires!

Ben Coates (40) loves to see two women kissing. But only women with “natural breasts.”

Okay, I can dig it. But why qualify it so? Natural breasts? Here’s the real scoop ladies: guys don’t care. It doesn’t matter if the woman has natural breasts. It doesn’t matter if she’s got big breasts. It doesn’t matter if she’s got no breasts…or if she’s missing the left side of her body. If two women start kissing, a guy will watch. Sure, a guy might not fantasize about a horrifically maimed woman, but I doubt that when private time comes Old Ben is going to quibble about his imaginary lesbo’s boob size.

Women kissing, sure. Breast size, why discriminate?

Malo Hutson (31) is really into jewelry. He digs his wife in a toe ring and an anklet…and high heels. And he also likes to lather his woman up in whipped cream and strawberries.

Ah, it’s nice that his fantasy includes his wife. What a guy. Looks like Malo has a bit of a foot fetish. I can appreciate that. Whatever raises your flag. But I wouldn’t assume that this is every guy’s fantasy. I could care less about toe rings and whipped cream.

Besides, I’ve never met Malo’s wife. She could ring bells at Notre Dame for all I know.

Nick Morales (29) Wishes that some random girl would walk into his room and wake him up with sex.

Aside from seeming a little desperate, Nick’s fantasy lacks some serious imagination.

Ret Taylor (26) has a fantasy very similar to Ben’s except that his involves two Hawaiian girls.

Dark Hawaiian girls, by the way.

But here’s the one that really lost me:

Raleigh Murphey (28) wants to have sex on the beach with a beautiful brunette – on a horse!

He actually fantasizes about making it on the back of a horse. He doesn’t specify if the horse if trotting, watching or just waiting for the whole horrible, uncomfortable, messy ordeal to be over with.

I suppose the less I know about the small details, the better.

Raleigh should read Equis.

But my point is that this article is a complete sham! These aren’t the 15 sex fantasies every guy has. These are 15, too specific, fantasies that 15 guys have. I didn’t even go into the pilot’s “stewardess orgy” fantasy.

I mean, sure, some of them seem like good ideas, but for the moist part, I haven’t had fantasies like these. I’m a man.

Glamour Magazine lies to women. Don’t believe their lies, ladies.

There is one fantasy that every guy has.

It’s called “having sex.”

Fun Fact: My neighbors are jerks and the cops are slow.

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