Thursday, May 26, 2005

I Want to be Bo Bice When I Grow Up

Partly because that means that I'd be a few years younger.

But mostly it’s because he got to perform with Lynyrd Skynyrd. The ultimate southern rock band. A band so kick-ass that they can usurp the power of over-used vowels in order to let a sometime-vowel, “Y,” finally get the spotlight it so richly deserves.

The letter “Y” is like the “tomato” of the alphabet. Is it a fruit? Is it a vegetable? Depends on how you use it.

But poor disenfranchised “Y” is punished for its versatility. A renaissance letter forever doomed to be yoked with the dubious prefix “and sometimes…”

Lynyrd Skynyrd knew this and came to the rescue. And Bo Bice loved them for it so much that they let him perform with them on national television!

Bo Bice got to sing “Swyyt Hymy Ylybymy” with freking Lynyrd Skynyrd!

That’s enough to make any person feel cool…forever.

Fun Fact: Another short post today. I have to get to work on the cartoon. But I will leave you with a little something “special.”

I had another set of callbacks last night. For a couple of shows. For one of them, the children’s theatre show (ugghh…kids), I was presented with a piece of paper and two envelopes. I was instructed to pick a slip of paper from each envelope, one containing a character and another containing a trait.

Okay, sure, whatever. Sometimes theatre auditions can be a bit…weird.

My character was a “Cow” and my trait was “Clown.”


I was to take the sheet of paper, give my character a name and write a brief first-person paragraph describing my typical day as a “Clown Cow.”

So I wrote a little thing in a couple minutes, thinking that I was going to improvise something based on my paragraph.

I was wrong, my paragraph was my stinking monologue. I had to perform my dumb monologue for the director (who happens to be a friend of mine which makes things worse if you ask me).

Today, you’re in luck. I’m going to share the monologue I wrote with you. Think of it not so much as entertainment (that should be easy), but rather a resource. If you ever need a monologue about being a “Clown Cow” you can use this one for free! Lucky you. Don’t forget to make cow noises. And remember, this is a children’s theatre thing. I wouldn’t use it for those RSC auditions. You’ve been warned for legal reasons.

This monologue has not been edited or revised, so you can get the entire feel for my personal humiliation.


There is nothing better than making people laugh…except for chewing cud. I love cud. Plain cud. Broiled cud. Fillet of cud or cud au-gratin. Many great jokes can come from cud also. Like, “why did the cud cross the road?” “Because it was chewed out by the cow!” Ha! Isn’t that funny? It’s the opening of my clown act. Then I spray a little seltzer, cram myself into a tiny car, dive off a 100 foot platform into an 8 ounce glass of water and end with a little audience participation. My favorite thing to ask the audience is “who left the door open?! Were you born in a barn?!” Which of course they all were…being farm animals and all. And that’s pretty much my fantastically exciting day! As my clown cow business cards say…it’s udderly entertaining!

At least that’s what my day would be like if I actually had the courage to do any of those things. Crowds scare me. After all, my name is Clarence! It’s a boy’s name! I’m a COW!

Besides, it’s hard to do clowny magic tricks when you have hooves for hands.

...Aaaannnnnd scene.

Fantastic! I thought that I’d add a little fear and bitterness there at the end…for the kids.

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